Our culture strongly inclines us to the view that genuine love must involve complete acceptance of another person – in their good and especially in their somewhat bad science.
我们文化常常告诉我们，如果真正爱上一个人，我们一定会接受他／她的全部人格，包括他／她的优点，尤其还包括他／她的缺点。
In moments of fury with our partners, we may be tempted to dismiss their complaints against us with the cry – “Just love me as I am”.
我们有时会对自己的伴侣勃然大怒，不愿接受他们向我们提出的抱怨，反而冲对方大声叫嚷，“爱我本来的样子不就很好嘛！”
But in truth, none of us should want to remain exactly as we are in love, and therefore, none of us should too strongly want another person to love as supposed to tolerate or simply forgive what is warped within us.
事实上，恋爱中的我们没有谁想一成不变，因此也没有谁应该强烈要求另一方容忍或者哪怕只是原谅我们内心的扭曲。
Genuine love might be defined as gently and kindly helping someone to become the best version of themselves, not accepting themselves precisely as they are.
真正的爱情可能有不一样的定义，它就是以温和体贴的方式帮助自己的爱人成为最好的自己，而不是一味接受他们现在的状态。
It isn’t a betrayal of love for someone to try to help us to evolve, to teach us, to become better people. In fact, it may be the highest proof of genuine commitment.
事实上，帮助我们的伴侣改变自己，或告诫他们，使他们变得更优秀，这些都不是对爱的背叛，反而可能代表了最真挚的承诺。
Unfortunately, under the sway of a romantic ideology that makes us suspicious of emotional education, most of us end up being terrible teachers and, equally, terrible students in relationships.
不幸地是，受浪漫的爱情观影响，我们总是质疑情感的教育。最后，我们大部分人都会沦为爱情关系中最糟糕的老师，同样也可能会成为最糟糕的学生。
We don’t accept the legitimacy, let alone the nobility of others’ desire to teach us and we can’t acknowledge areas where we might need to be taught.
我们无法接受他人渴望教导我们的心意，不会认为它具有正当性，更不会觉得它有多么崇高。
We rebel against the very structure of a lover’s education that would enable criticism to be molded into sensible sounding lessons and to be heard as caring attempts to rejig the more troublesome aspects of our personalities.
我们反叛来自自己的爱人的教育。这种教育让使批评变成一种很有说服力的经验教训，听上去只是一种关爱的举动，目的就是重新打磨让我们性格中今人讨厌的部分。
Our stance is deeply understandable. To the mother, everything about her tiny infant is delightful, they wouldn’t change even the smallest thing.
我们的立场是可以理解的。对于一个母亲来说，有关她孩儿的一切都是令人满意的，她们往往不想孩子改变什么。Their baby is perfect just as it is. Our idea of love has taken this kind of attitude very much to heart.
孩子本来的样子就很完美了。我们对爱的理解就表现为这种心态，并且已经根深蒂固。It’s what we grow up thinking that love is supposed to be like.The suggestion that another person could want us to change, grow, or improve is taken as an insult to love.
于是，我们长大后，也认为爱就应该如此。如果有人建议我们改变，成长或提升自我，我们便觉得它是对爱的侮辱。
The problem is – the mother never in fact loved us just as we were, she hoped we would keep growing up.
真正的情况是，母亲们不爱原初的我们，她也希望我们可以一点点成长起来。
And the need to keep growing up is still there. Our bodies may be fully formed, but our psyches always have some growing up still to do.
我们仍有继续成长的需要。尽管我们的身体已经发育完全，但是我们的心理永远处于不成熟状态。
We should never hold it against our lovers if they don’t love us just as we are. They’re doing something far more generous, wanting us to be a little better.
即使我们的恋人并不爱我们现在的自己，我们也无需认为它是一种爱的背叛。他们无非就是更加宽宏大度，想让我们变得更好而已。