What I just want to do is throwing away a brick in order to get a gem.
在此抛砖引玉，欢迎指正。
All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Wechat or QQ? OK, another question, have you ever been unfriended by someone on Wechat or QQ?
好的，有多少人曾经在微信或QQ上拉黑过好友，还有，你曾经被人拉黑过吗？
Because they said something offensive or they always share some “Chicken Soup for the Soul”.
因为他们发表不恰当的言论,或者是他们常常分享一些心灵鸡汤？
You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation.
要知道，在过去想要一段礼貌的交谈，
We just had to follow the advice of our junior, senior, university teacher or our experienced boos: Stick to the weather and health.
我们只要牢记初高中和大学老师以及经验丰富老板的忠告：只谈论天气和你的健康状况就行了。
But these days, we get the information from western country that with climate change and anti-vaccine, those subjects -- are not safe either.
了解到西方国家但这些年随着气候变化以及反对疫苗运动的开展--这招也不怎么管用了。
And we make decisions about where to live,
我们做的各种决定，选择生活在何处，
who to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe.
与谁结婚甚至和谁交朋友，都只基于我们已有的信念。
Again, that means we're not listening to each other.
再重复一遍，这说明我们没有倾听彼此。
A good conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, but we lost that balance.
交谈需要平衡讲述和倾听，我们却渐渐失掉了这种平衡。
Now, part of that is due to technology.
技术进步是部分原因。
The smartphones that you all have in your hands everyday.
比如智能手机，每天都握在手里。
WeChat active users are nearly about 1
billion in china，we almost spend 5 hours per day on Wechat, and we are more likely to text to our friends than to talk to them face to face.
中国微信活跃人数达到10亿，我们几乎每天花5小时在微信上，我们更倾向于给朋友发微信，而不是面对面的交谈。
It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves:
这听起来很好笑，但我们必须问问自己：
Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent,confident conversation?"
21世纪，有什么技能会比维持一段连贯、自信的谈话更为重要？”
So I'd like to spend the next 10minutesto share you how to talk and how to listen.
所以我希望用接下来的10分钟教你们如何谈话，以及如何倾听。
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,
你们中间很多人已经听过无数建议，
Things like thinking of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,
提前想好可以讨论的有趣话题，注视，点头并且微笑来表明你的专注，
repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.
重复你刚才听到的，或者做总结。
So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.
我想让你们忘掉所有这些，全都没用。
There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
根本没必要去学习如何表现你很专心，如果你确实很专心。
Now, I would like to share some skills as a professional interviewer.
我其实是把作为职业访谈者一模一样的技巧用在了日常生活中。
So, I'm going to share something actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.
这其实会帮助你们学习如何成为更好的沟通者。
The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,
那种结束之后令你感到很享受，很受鼓舞的交谈，
or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood.
或者令你觉得你和别人建立了真实的连接，或者让你完全得到了他人的理解。
So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to share all of them,
我有10条基本规则。我会一条条给你们解释。
Number one: Don't multitask.
第一条：不要三心二意。
And I don't mean just set down your cellphone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.
我不是说单纯放下你的手机、平板电脑、车钥匙，或者随便什么握在手里的东西。
I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.
我的意思是，处在当下。进入那个情境中去。不要想着你之前和老板的争吵。
Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation,
get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.
不要想着你晚饭吃什么。如果你想退出交谈，就退出交谈。但不要身在曹营心在汉。
Number two:Don't pontificate.
第二条：不要好为人师。
If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.
如果你想要表达自己的看法，又不想留下任何机会让人回应、争论、反驳或阐发，写博客去。
"Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't."
“每一个你将要见到的人都有你不知道的东西。”
May be we can say it in another way: Everybody is an expert in something.
换个说法：每个人都是某方面的专家。
So don't pontificate.
The topic, you are talking about, is so familiar
to your friends and actually boring.
所以不要好为人师，你所谈论的话题如此熟悉，你朋友会无比的厌烦。
Number three:Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from journalists.
第三点：使用开放式问题。关于这一点，请参考记者采访的提问方式。
Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.
以“谁”、“什么”、“何时”、“何地”、“为什么”或“如何”开始提问。
If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.
如果你询问一个复杂的问题将会得到一个简单的回答。
If I ask you,
"Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,
如果我问你：“你当时恐惧吗？”你会回应那句话中最有力的词，
which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."
即“恐惧”，而答案将是“是的”或者“不是”。
"Were you angry?"
"Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.
“你当时气愤吗？”“是的，我当时气得很。”让对方去描述，对方才是了解情境的人。
Try asking them things like,"What was that like?""How did that feel?"
试着这样问对方：“那是什么样子？”“你感觉怎么样？”
Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,
因为这样一来，对方可能需要停下来想一想，
and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
而你会得到更有意思的回答。
Number four: Go with the flow.
第四点：顺其自然。
That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.
也就是说，想法会自然流入你的头脑，而你需要将它们表达出来。
What does that mean? OK，for instance, We're sitting
there having a conversation with someone,
什么意思呢？举个例子，当我们坐下来和某人聊天的时候，
and then we remember that we met Jack Ma in a coffee shop
last week. Stories and ideas are going to come to you.
突然想起来上个礼拜在咖啡店碰到了马云，故事和一些观点突如其来。
If you do not speak out and just let your friends continue talking, you may get nothing from your friends, because you stopped listening.
如果你继续听你朋友絮叨而没有讲出你的故事，也许你朋友后面讲的事情你会是一无所知，因为你已经停止聆听。
So you need to let them come and let them go.
所以，想说就说，顺其自然。
Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.
第五点：如果你不知道，就说你不知道。
Talk should not be cheap.You should pay responsibility for what you are talking about.
谈话应该是负责任的行为。你应该为你所讲的话负责。
If you really do not know, just be honest, ask your friends to searcher Baidu for help.
如果你真的不知道，就说不知道，可以让他们去百度。
But if they get the wrong information from you, the small friendship boat will sink for your mistakes.
如果你讲错了，友谊的小船会因你而翻。
Number six: Don' t equate your experience with theirs.
第六条：不要把自己的经历和他人比较。
If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job.
如果对方在说工作上的困扰，不要告诉他们你多么讨厌你的工作。
It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual.
这不一样的，永远不可能一样。任何经历都是独一无二的。
And, more importantly, it is not about you.
而且，更重要的是，这不是在谈论你的事。
You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered.
你不需要在此刻证明你多么能干，或者你经受了多少痛苦。
Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
交谈不是用来推销自己的。
Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself.
第七条：尽量别重复自己的话。
It's condescending, and it's
also really boring, and we tend to do it a lot.
这很咄咄逼人，也很无聊。但我们很容易这样做。
Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,
尤其是在工作交谈中，或者和孩子的交谈中。
we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.
我们想声明一个观点，于是换着方式不停地说。
Don't do that.别这样。
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
第八条：少说废话。
We all know that Mr. Tang is a Talkative,and someone ether to die nor to listen to him.
我们都知道唐僧是个话痨，有人宁愿死也不愿意与他交谈。
Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates,
说白了，没人在乎那些年份，名字，日期
all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.
等等这些你努力试图在脑中回想的种种细节。
They don't care. What they care about is you.
别人不在乎。他们关注的是你。
They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.
对方关心你是什么样的人，和你有什么共同点。所以忘掉细节吧。别管它们。
Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.
第九条：这不是最后一条，但是最重要的一条。
Listen.
I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most important,
认真倾听。我说不上来到底有多少重要人士都说过倾听可能是最重要的，
the number one most important skill that you could develop.
第一重要的你可以提升的技能。
Buddha said, “If your mouth is open, you're not learning."
佛曰，“如果你嘴不停，你就学不到东西。”
Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control.
为什么我们不愿倾听彼此？首先，我们更喜欢说。我在说话时一切在我的掌控之中。
I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention.
我不用去听任何我不感兴趣的东西。我是焦点。
I can bolster my own identity.
我可以强化自己的认同感。
And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone,
我知道这很耗费精力去真正注意听别人讲。
but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.
但如果你不这么做，你们就不是在交谈。
You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
你们只不过是两个人在同一个地方彼此嚷嚷毫不相关的话。
We have to listen to one another.
你们必须相互倾听。
"Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."
他说：“我们大多数人都不是为了理解而倾听。我们为了回应而听。”
One more rule,number 10: Be brief.
最后一条，第十条：简明扼要。
A good conversation is like a miniskirt.
Not only shout enough to retain interest, but also long enough to cover the
subject.
一段良好的谈话就像一件迷你裙。短，勾起你的兴趣，长，保持神秘。
All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.
所有这些都浓缩成同一个概念，那就是：对他人产生兴趣。
We should keep our mouth shut as often as possibly, and keep our mind open,
我们应尽量少说话，开放自己的思想，
and always prepared to be amazed, and you
will never disappointed.
永远准备着大吃一惊，你将不会感到失望。
So let us go out, talk to people, and listen to people,
走出门去，和别人交谈，听别人说，
and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.
以及最重要的，准备好大吃一惊。
by 求是
