Rule 1.Don't multitask .I mean, be present.Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get outof the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it andhalf out of it.
Rule 2.Don't pontificate. If you want tostate your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushbackor growth, write a blog.
Rule3.Use open-ended questions. in this case, take a cuefrom journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to themost powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and theanswer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." "Were youangry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it.
Rule 4.Go with the flow. That means thoughts will comeinto your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heardinterviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then thehost comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out ofnowhere, or it's already been answered.
Rule 5.If you don't know, say that you don't know. Now,people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're goingon the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be anexpert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution.Talk should not be cheap.
Rule 6.Don't equate your experience with theirs. Ifthey're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking aboutthe time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they'rehaving at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not thesame. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, moreimportantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to provehow amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawkingonce what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag abouttheir IQs are losers."
Rule 7.Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending,and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in workconversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so wejust keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.
Rule 8.Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't careabout the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're strugglingto come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you.They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget thedetails. Leave them out.
Rule 9.This is not the last one, but it is the most importantone. Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people havesaid that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skillthat you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouthis open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man everlistened his way out of a job."
Rule 10.Be brief.[A good conversation is like aminiskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover thesubject. — motto]