He cares about me! I am happy to hear that especially after still feeling hurtful by that rubbish boy for ignoring me, for not caring about me. 24 hours passed, I had been in a heartbreaking for 24 hours, all things around me seemed to lost color, and very boring. Why he had to do this to me? What is wrong? Why young boys always made me hard to understand. Or just scorpion men like Rene and Max. Although that was just friendship, why would I feel so sad? I don’t understand myself either. But I still not gave up, because I think he must feel the same way as I am, he must care about me too, otherwise, all his words and reactions didn’t make sense.
I sent my last requirement after losing contact for 24 hours, “I miss you, can you add me back?”
Surprisingly he added me back at last. I was so happy and excited.
I asked him” Do you miss me?”
“I can’t resist it.”
That is the sweetest words I ever heard for so long time. I knew it, I knew it.
The first time he talked to me in a soft way, sweet way, not disagreeable way.
I can’t help telling him my emotions for the past 24 hours tortured me. But I felt embarrassed to tell him I actually cried for half hour desperately. I won’t tell him about this forever.
He said “I am sorry. How was your day? What did you do at work?”
“Not much, basically nothing because of no mood doing anything at all. I think of you, think of what we talked and why you didn’t want to contact me all the time.”
“I can’t get you out of my mind either. I played squash just now and just came home.”
I was so happy we were back together again, we can chat like before, sharing our life and opinions about everything, although we never meet. I felt so happy about it especially after this torture. He must be the sweetest man I ever met if he can fall in love with me. It will be like fire burning you. I want to feel that feeling, feel alive, feel passionate, feel extremely happy. If he could cry for a falling leaves, he must can feel what I feel too, can give what I want to experience. I already started to dream a lot about him and me.
Ten minutes later, he suddenly said.”You know one thing I need to tell you” he paused to wait for my response.
I had the feeling that would not be a good thing he was going to say. I held my breath, my excitement, happiness and dreaming frozen for a second to wait for something I don’t want to hear, must be like that. I didn’t say anything.
He continued, “My real name is Ben not Max.”
“ Ok!” I relaxed a little bit, feeling he had more things to say.
“I really don’t think we will be together, if no future, isn’t it a waste? Better never begin.” He obviously had feelings for me, why he said like this to me now? Why? To make happiness shut immediately.
I asked firmly “Why can’t we be together?”
“Wow, that is a complicate question. We don’t live in the same city, and we don’t like each other’s place either. I still want to be back to school and be a professor in the future. But you probably settle down in Shanghai, and now it is your last chance to find a husband to have your own children. We are at different life stage. And……”
“And what?”
“Nothing”
My excitement suddenly cooled down to icy zero by his practical analysis. Meanwhile I was very surprised to find out actually he had thought through everything already before started something. He would think from my side not just taking advantage of me to have fun.
I am more a dreamer, believe in a simple epicurean philosophy. I am that kind of person who cares about present life than future life since sometimes plans always can’t catch up the changes. Or after so many times failures about a relationship or thinking about the result thing, I kind of more enjoy having fun first. That is also a kind of life just living in now since I always can’t get what I planned although I have been such a good planner about everything.
I said with a solution “ We can get married and have baby first, then after 3 years you can be back to UK to further your study, after you settle down there, I will move to live with you.”
“That is not going to happen.”
“Why?”
“We western people won’t marry a person if not in love and I will only have a baby with a woman when I really love her.”
That is hurtful. He was saying he didn’t love me and didn’t want to have a baby with me either directly without any hesitation. Then now what is this missing means? Just means missing right? Just means hesitation?
I hate that he always wants to turn down my fire, always gave me red light.
We kept science again.
I checked his wechat moments, surprised me he let me have entrance to see his life moments there. Yes, he did show the picture he played squash that night. For some zero IQ woman, he looked so handsome in the picture.
At least we made some progress now, he told me his true name, he opened his life to me and he said he missed me too. He seemed to worry about many things.
During this unhappy moment, I went through his posts there. It seems he share many photos about sports. He likes sports, surprised me a lot. He can do ice hockey, squash, tennis. He likes cats too, he catty around.
The next day I posted a party gathering with another 3 girls, he commented under it, “Your friend is a fox.”
“You mean I am ugly?” I gave him an angry face.
“You are also gorgeous.”
“You seem to be more interested in my friend?”
“What is wrong with that? I said you are gorgeous too.”
Stupid man! I was thinking silently.
“Why did you say my friend is a fox, what does it mean?”
“Come on, kitten”
“You mean she is clever and attractive?”
“You pretend not knowing those words, do you?”
“I really don’t know.” I showed him a shamed face.
Immediately he sent me an explanation about those animals call searched from internet. That basically just shows the intimate relationship.
The next few days, each time we started chatting, he will start a new animal name for me.
Little bear, kitten, bunny……
I couldn’t help laughing at his animal names, I felt like he was building his zoo, in all his zoo it is full of me, I need to act as different animals every day, although I am such a serious girl at this aspect, I even can’t recognize this animal is a bear, dog or pig when seeing cartoon pictures of them. And I also can’t understand why so many young girls like those fuzzy toys even when I was young. When my internship teaching was over during my 3rd year in college, I was young like 21 too, a male student in my class gave a huge fuzzy bear, half size of me, to say good bye to me, I remember clearly this because I didn’t feel very happy about it, but wondering where to put it in my tiny dormitory.
Since no boyfriends ever called me this way, all just called my name in a formal way, I found he called me different animal names quite interesting. I heard a saying people who like animals normally mean they have a child’s heart, if this is true, I agreed with it, he is cute and a bit childish by doing it, but I liked it, and enjoyed the intimate relationship created by those calls.
I asked him what I should call you then.
He thought for a while then replied confidently. “My lion.”
When I saw my lion, I burst into laughter. I guess every man wants to be a lion to show they have power or lions can eat all animals he named me. But for some reason, I feel so shy to call him “my lion”, feeling like I am naked before him, feeling like he can see through my heart crystal clear by calling him “my lion” although I guess he must know it, even the idiot knows it.
And I can’t help wondering “Is this the difference between science guys and literature guys? Is this the difference between boring guys and interesting guys in some way? Am I such a boring person too?”
The next few days, we all talked in the intimate way. He was not so mean to me any more, I had a few sweet days.
Then I dare ask him” Why are you so conceited?”
“Am I? Well, that is me. No, not at all……I am aware of my own lack of knowledge. And I am aware of where I am in the hierarchy.”
“Really!”
“Of course.”
“Where are you? I am in bathroom now, going to take a shower soon.” Then I sent him a shy expression.
He laughed immediately, and said “Also gonna have a shower, Let me see you naked then.”
“No.”
”Why?”
“Why to show you?”
“You said you want to have my baby, you should know how to generate a baby, do you? Lol, so the first step is to show your naked body to me.”
I had no words to fight back, also don’t want to admit I was not clever enough to give a better reply, so I said. “Don’t want to talk to you any more. Good night, stupid lion.”
Of course he showed his inflatable laugh “ Lol, good night, kitten.”
Since then I began to be curious about his body, I guess he had the same thoughts if he said so, especially for a young boy.
The next evening, we tried our first time video chat, at the beginning, it was a bit awkward, although we chatted a lot online, but when face to face, it is a bit different feeling. We can hear each other’s voice, we need to response immediately without so long time thinking like chat online, we can see each other’s body movement, facial expression, and know the tone and mood. That was quite a challenge to me.
He was topless, a very calm face with proud expression, no smile at all, and started from asking me how about your day, “you asked a few hours ago, and I told you already.” He showed no sorry or nervous like most men at this situation, the first time meeting someone I mean. I was wearing sun-top since it was mid July, very hot here. I mixed exciting ,shy and nervous feelings together, I was shy to see him, but my curiosity always kept my eyes on him, his hair is messy, his body is not fat, not thin either, he looks like his photos, wearing a cross around his neck, his room seems not very tidy up, he just lied down on his sofa in a very relaxed way. The only thing attracted me is the expression on his face, he seemed very calm and confident. I just stared at his side without moving my eyes, he seemed sometimes looked at me, sometimes he looked at somewhere in his room maybe he was just trying to avoid eye contacts.
“Show me your boobs.”
Order again. He must think he is a boss, isn’t he? Didn’t he worry that would be very offensive to a girl? How can he be so sure I wouldn’t dislike him by his rude asking?
And how can I be so tolerant to a rubbish man like this, to a totally not a gentleman like this? I didn’t feel so annoyed, although wish he was more gentleman.
“No boobs, but I can show you my room.”
I moved away my camera from myself to my room, and said to him, “Look, I put many paintings on my wall, some of them are pieces of my work, some are bought when I travel. I took photos of them to show you before.”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Except the famous artists like Monet and Van Gogh, I bought that St. Peter’s last year when I travelled there, it was amazing. I bought a man too.”
“Dare you?”
“Look, this Statue of David, naked. Lol. And also a picture with two beach boys with surfboard I bought in Bali last year too.”
“You are a bad girl.”
“Maybe, actually that is mainly for my northern room, you know room located in north, Yin qi is too heavy, it needs some Yang qi to balance.”
“Good excuse. Yin&Yang is like Taiji’s thing, it is about风水。”
“Yes, it is. Men represent Yang, like sun, women represent Yin, like moon. I need some Yang qi to make the whole atmosphere is stronger.”
“Maybe you just need me to company you living there. I am going to move your shoulder straps away slowly, your boobs will show out graduately, and I begin to kiss your forehead, your cheek, then your mouth…..”
“Stop it!”
“Are you excited already?”
“No.”
He laughed at me.
“Your face is blushed.”
“I am not. I am wearing a red underwear, so it reflects the red light on my face.”
“Yes, very clever. Your physics and biology must get zero score when you were a student.”
“Totally opposite, I have been always top students from little to my postgraduate. So do my boyfriends too. They are either the experts in that area now or the CEO or president of a big company. I have summarized my No.1 spouse choosing standard is intelligence.”
“Because you are lack of that? ”
“Jesus, because I am the same kind of people, can communicate at the same level.”
“Really! BTW, your red silk lace short is lovely.”
“You saw it? OMG”
“Yes, my eyes have gone through it already.”
I can’t stand talking this way, he turned me on. I tried to distract his attention away from my body or sexual things. I showed him my piano, I played very simple song for him, he immediately said “Ode To Joy”,a good song to match our mood at that time I guess.
Then he asked me, “What is your dream?”
“Wow, I dreamed a lot every night.” I tried to be a little humorous.
“But I don’t have a real dream, there is nothing I really want very much.”
“Include me?” He was teasing me.
I can’t help laughing. For that moment, I did want him very much. But I wouldn’t tell him that way to make him even more proud.
Such a conceited man! So I ignored his question and continued,“But I think that would be cool, if I can creat something like a song, a fiction or an architecture, or anything I can left for this society after I die, something which can influence people positively. Yes, J.K. Rowling is my idol. I want to be a writer, to write something, people like it. And I can make money by it too.”
“ Lol, at least you have the same boobs as her”
Here he is again! I guess he got lots of pleasure to mock others, that is why he can’t help keeping on doing this to me again and again.
I pretended to be angry, “You know what? Megalomania，the main reason is your Chinese is too bad to communicate anything with you,I cant fight you back fluently in English. You are just taking advantage of your English, native speaker’s English. ”
“Lol, nice try.”
After a while, he said” Show me your boobs, I want to see them.” He ordered again!
“No way and improve your EQ, sir.”
“Lol, ok good night, kitten.”
We had chatted like that for 1.5 weeks, finally Ben had his summer holiday, that is the good thing I miss being a teacher besides receiving a huge bear fuzzy toy. I wondered what he would be like when doing teaching job, is he a good teacher, are his students afraid of him like I am? Does he treat them the same way as he treats me? But why I seemed to enjoy his “bad things”, am I a masochism?
He had more spare time to chat with me, he still thinks a lot every day, sometimes he posted some of his thoughts on his moment. He didn’t tell me first. He seemed also have no clear plan to how to spend the summer holiday except going south China, he asked me if I have holidays, we travel together, I said “Sorry I don’t have any holidays. But at weekends, we can meet”. Then he suggested me to come to Ningbo, his city. I said I didn’t want to go to Ningbo, because I had a sad memory there, he said he would make me happy again there. Then he suggested to come to Shanghai to live in my place, also refused by me, I don’t think that would be a good idea to let a man I never met to sleep in my place for the first night. Finally I said “How about you book a hotel near my place? I can pay all the expense when you are in Shanghai.”
He laughed at me again “So you often took your boys in that hotel?”
What was he thinking! What boys? Is he jealous?
“No, never.”
Then he said next week he may come to shanghai to make a suit for his friend’s wedding in August. I looked forward to seeing him in real,I have so many good places I want to show to him in Shanghai.
As I just expected it coming, he suddenly said “Maybe we should not meet.”
“What?”
“If we meet, I think we will do something, then you will get pregnant, but I won’t marry you, and you don’t want to be a single mother, and you will be hurt. Then what is next?”
The old question comes again.
“You think too much!”
“I just care about the consequence of my behaviors to others and the society.”
“Maybe we meet, and we do nothing, and I won’t get pregnant, and I don’t want to marry you, no single mother thing, and I won’t be hurt.”
“Really?”
“Yes, megalomania.”
I thought he liked me already, but turned out still back to the original place. I felt very frustrated, said “If you don’t want to meet, we don’t need to meet.” I don’t want any man to think I was begging to meet them.
“But if I don’t storm your castle, other men will do.”
When I saw other men, I felt cold again. He pushed me to other men. I replied him immediately.
“Ok, wish you find a girl you like.”
He answered coldly “Ok” too.
The next morning, I talked about him to my closest colleague, I complained a lot about him. I was so angry. I never had been in a relationship so torturing like this. I want romance but can’t get, I want to give up but feel so terrible. I want everything simple, why he always makes things so complicate. I was in a dilemma.
My colleague said maybe you misunderstood him. He seemed in a very complicated situation too. He obviously likes you, and want to see you, but at the same time, he seems want to keep distance from you too. What is making him so struggled?
I answered “I guess he must think I am too old, although I still look young. He knows he will not end up with me at the very beginning, so don’t want to waste time on me, and don’t want to hurt me.”
But I just want to do things following my heart, I want to meet him, I want to feel the feeling to be with him.
Life should not only pursuit result, care about consequence all the time, should not be so practical all the time. If do everything for some realistic purpose, isn’t it like a deal, isn’t it like a job? If so, where is your soul? Where is the purity? If not ending as marriage, then the love is a shit, has no value at all? Are all people in marriage happy or still feel love?
I used to care about consequence very much. Before when I was young like 20s, each time I met a man for a date, I always let them know what I wanted, I told them I wanted to get married in 1-2 years dating, I want 1 child, I cared about how much they earn, their background, education, family situation, all those practical things, the result is I found no man to get married. I tried to keep my virginity for my husband, but I had searched so many years, still can’t find a husband, and I was almost 30 by that time.
I live according to all normal standards of our society, had been a “good girl” all my life, but what I have got from it, I lost many things from my youth, if I could be back to my 20s, I will not live like that, I would like to live in a more colorful way with splendid youth experience, that is what it supposed to be.
Now I am almost losing my youth, maybe that is why although Ben told me several times about not meeting me, but I still insist on it. I just want to do everything following my heart.
And I hope he has the same feeling and heart as I have. But it is obviously he reserved a lot for himself. After going through all those, I planned to give up him if he still showed me this kind of unclear or hesitating attitude. That is just too boring and not worthy anything from me.
I asked Ben again that morning. “What is the meaning of ‘if I don’t storm your castle, other men will do’. Are you hoping me to look for other men?”
He said” No, I mean I will be jealous if you are with other men.”
He will be jealous, he will be jealous, I repeated his words with a big smile on my face, he likes me the same way as I like him. I know he must like me.
At the same time I felt fainted, I totally misunderstood his meaning, and felt miserable the whole night and the whole morning and the whole afternoon. I have tortured myself the whole 24 hours and he probably had no idea what I had gone through and he must think I am very stupid as he always think like that.
I immediately explained to him with myanxious mood, “I majors in science, my English is so so, and I am a very simple person, so it is a bit hard to understand your complex English and your complex mind.” This sentence will be repeated again and again when I can’t understand his complex English with nature of literature and academy, or when I don’t understand why he is so angry.
Sometimes he showed me a laughing at me face, sometimes he just ignored me. He acted exactly like Rene, my scorpion men. I hate them. I hate both of them.
In one way I like his beautiful language as I never know English can be spoken by this way, witty, humorous, winding, indirect and beautiful, to be honest, for a science major girl like me, I never care about languages so much in my total life, both Chinese and English, Words and communications to me should be simple, short, clear, logical and efficient. I dislike reading, he and Rene like reading a lot.
I especially dislike reading novels, novels to me are just wasting time, I used to try to find out searching key words, the main characters in the story, and draw a craft for their relationship, summarize it in a very short sentence, then the book is finished, and I hate those background description a lot.
I think those so called writers try to use so many wasteful words to make the publish company to pay them more, most words are wasted.
My summarize and logical ability is very useful for my real work, since my boss is a billionaire, he has many companies and many people need to report to him every day, so I need to use the simplest and most accurate words to show directly and clearly what I need to report, even writing some reports it is more about analysis or logic, nothing really needs literary language.
But he spoke like a professor or a poet. That fascinates me. Why do I hate writers to do this kind of things, but I like him saying like this?
I was attracted to it, in another aspect, he made me quite frustrated by not knowing what he is saying, he made me feel I am so stupid, made me feel my English is so bad. And also I could not enjoy the happiness by communicating in a wise way although we had some interesting dialogues.
“Then why you are so struggled to meet me?”
“I don’t believe in love. Love doesn’t exist.”
“Why you said love doesn’t exist?”
“I will tell you when we meet.”
“When?”
“I don’t know.”
“I never want to hurt you, but I probably will lost interest in you after sleeping with you.”
“How? You don’t like me?”
“I like you a lot, but we won’t be together. You have to know it in advance.”
Why he always said like that. I hate it. What is that mean I like you but I won’t be with you. If you like someone, you want to be with them, isn’t it common logic? What is in his head? Why he made everything so complicated? Why scorpion men always make me so confused?
“If you want to meet me, you have to do that test. 好不好？”
I thought for a second, then said “OK, I will do it this weekend.”
A few days later, a weekend I went to the special clinic to do the test for HIV. Surprised me there are so many free test medical organizations for this in my city.
“I am on the bus to the test spot.” I told Ben.
“Don’t feel embarrassed to do it. Don’t think others will look down upon you by doing this.” He comforted me sweetly.
“I am fine with it. I don’t think I did anything wrong. Just hope I am healthy.” I answered.
‘Ok, don’t worry. Let me know when you finish it. 好不好？”He talked to me in a soft tune again.
“I was not worried before, just because you told me all those things, I began to worry.”
I blamed him. I was thinking if I did have the fatal illness, what will I do, how will I feel?
Will I hate Rene? Why I just don’t want to hate him? Even he treated me quite badly.
About half hour, the bus arrived. I searched along the road, finally found the place according to GPS. It was a very tidy clinic, only 4 small rooms and a waiting room. There were 6 young boys there already sitting there waiting for the result, two of them with the alcohol pad on their arms. I was the only girl there, that was a bit embarrassed.
I went to the registration room to write down my name and phone number. The doctor asked me “When did it happen?” “The beginning of April.” “OK, now you can do the test. Go to the next room to draw your blood.” “How long does this test take?” “About 10 minutes.” “OK, thanks.”
I took my files to the injection room. I closed my eyes to avoid seeing the nurse to inject the needle to my artery.Then waited outside in the hobby like other young boys. They looked at me with very strange eyes. I looked at them thinking what kind of girls they slept with? I was really curious about their stories, I guess they must feel more curious about me.
But I know better talk nothing. Ten minutes later, my name was called, the result was out, I am totally clear and clean, I am fine. I immediately told Ben the result.
“I am fine. No illness.”
“That is good.”
“But there are 6 other boys here, I am the only girl here. So ashamed.”
“That is fine.” He gloated.
“How about you?” I was thinking he insisted on asking me to do this test, I even didn’t know his situation.
“I am totally fine, I just did the test last month. You know being a teacher we need to do body health check each year, our school just did it last month.”
“So now we can meet? Why felt so wield saying like that?” That sounds like the preparation before doing bad things.