JULY 19.
"I shall see her today!" I exclaim with delight, when I rise in the morning, and look out with gladness of heart at the bright, beautiful sun.
"I shall see her today!" And then I have no further wish to form: all, all is included in that one thought.
JULY 20.
I cannot assent to your proposal that I should accompany the ambassador (大使) to _______.
I do not love subordination (从属); and we all know that he is a rough, disagreeable person to be connected with.
You say my mother wishes me to be employed. I could not help laughing at that. Am I not sufficiently employed?
And is it not in reality the same, whether I shell peas or count lentils (扁豆)? The world runs on from one folly to another;
and the man who, solely from regard to the opinion of others, and without any wish or necessity of his own, toils after gold, honour, or any other phantom, is no better than a fool.{1}
JULY 24.
You insist so much on my not neglecting my drawing, that it would be as well for me to say nothing as to confess how little I have lately done.
I never felt happier, I never understood nature better, even down to the veriest stem or smallest blade (叶片) of grass;
and yet I am unable to express myself: my powers of execution are so weak, everything seems to swim and float before me, so that I cannot make a clear, bold outline.
But I fancy I should succeed better if I had some clay or wax (蜡) to model.
I shall try, if this state of mind continues much longer, and will take to modelling, if I only knead (揉捏) dough (生面团).
I have commenced Charlotte's portrait three times, and have as often disgraced myself.
This is the more annoying, as I was formerly very happy in taking likenesses.
I have since sketched (素描) her profile (轮廓), and must content myself with that.
JULY 25.
Yes, dear Charlotte! I will order and arrange everything. Only give me more commissions, the more the better.
One thing, however, I must request: use no more writing-sand with the dear notes you send me. Today I raised your letter hastily to my lips, and it set my teeth on edge.
JULY 26.
I have often determined not to see her so frequently. But who could keep such a resolution?
Every day I am exposed to the temptation, and promise faithfully that to-morrow I will really stay away: but, when tomorrow comes, I find some irresistible (不可抗拒的) reason for seeing her;
and, before I can account for it, I am with her again. Either she has said on the previous evening "You will be sure to call to-morrow," -- and who could stay away then?
--or she gives me some commission, and I find it essential to take her the answer in person; or the day is fine, and I walk to Walheim;
and, when I am there, it is only half a league farther to her. I am within the charmed atmosphere, and soon find myself at her side.
My grandmother used to tell us a story of a mountain of loadstone (磁石).
When any vessels (船舶) came near it, they were instantly deprived of their ironwork: the nails flew to the mountain, and the unhappy crew perished amidst the disjointed planks.{2}
JULY 30.
Albert is arrived, and I must take my departure. Were he the best and noblest of men, and I in every respect his inferior, I could not endure to see him in possession of such a perfect being.{3}
Possession! -- enough, Wilhelm: her betrothed (未婚夫) is here, -- a fine, worthy fellow, whom one cannot help liking.
Fortunately I was not present at their meeting. It would have broken my heart!
And he is so considerate: he has not given Charlotte one kiss in my presence. Heaven reward him for it!
I must love him for the respect with which he treats her. He shows a regard for me, but for this I suspect I am more indebted (负债的) to Charlotte than to his own fancy for me.
Women have a delicate tact in such matters, and it should be so. They cannot always succeed in keeping two rivals (竞争者) on terms with each other; but, when they do, they are the only gainers.
I cannot help esteeming (尊敬) Albert. The coolness of his temper contrasts strongly with the impetuosity (冲动) of mine, which I cannot conceal.
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He has a great deal of feeling, and is fully sensible of the treasure he possesses in Charlotte. He is free from ill-humour, which you know is the fault I detest most.
He regards me as a man of sense; and my attachment to Charlotte, and the interest I take in all that concerns her, augment his triumph and his love.
I shall not inquire whether he may not at times tease her with some little jealousies (嫉妒); as I know, that, were I in his place, I should not be entirely free from such sensations.
But, be that as it may, my pleasure with Charlotte is over. Call it folly or infatuation, what signifies a name?
The thing speaks for itself. Before Albert came, I knew all that I know now.
I knew I could make no pretensions to her, nor did I offer any, that is, as far as it was possible, in the presence of so much loveliness, not to pant for its enjoyment.{4}
And now, behold me like a silly fellow, staring with astonishment when another comes in, and deprives me of my love.
I bite my lips, and feel infinite scorn for those who tell me to be resigned, because there is no help for it.{5}
Let me escape from the yoke (束缚) of such silly subterfuges (托词)! I ramble through the woods; and when I return to Charlotte,
and find Albert sitting by her side in the summer-house in the garden, I am unable to bear it, behave like a fool, and commit a thousand extravagances (放肆的言行).
"For Heaven's sake," said Charlotte today, "let us have no more scenes like those of last night! You terrify (使害怕) me when you are so violent."
Between ourselves, I am always away now when he visits her: and I feel delighted when I find her alone.
AUGUST 8.
Believe me, dear Wilhelm, I did not allude to you when I spoke so severely of those who advise resignation to inevitable fate.
I did not think it possible for you to indulge (沉溺于) such a sentiment (观点). But in fact you are right. I only suggest one objection.
In this world one is seldom reduced to make a selection between two alternatives (选择). There are as many varieties of conduct and opinion as there are turns of feature between an aquiline (钩状的) nose and a flat one.
You will, therefore, permit me to concede (退让) your entire argument, and yet contrive means to escape your dilemma.
Your position is this, I hear you say: "Either you have hopes of obtaining Charlotte, or you have none.
Well, in the first case, pursue your course, and press on to the fulfilment of your wishes.
In the second, be a man, and shake off a miserable passion, which will enervate (使堕落) and destroy you." My dear friend, this is well and easily said.
But would you require a wretched being, whose life is slowly wasting under a lingering disease, to despatch himself at once by the stroke of a dagger?
Does not the very disorder which consumes his strength deprive him of the courage to effect his deliverance?
You may answer me, if you please, with a similar analogy, "Who would not prefer the amputation (截肢) of an arm to the periling of life by doubt and procrastination!" But I know not if I am right, and let us leave these comparisons.
Enough! There are moments, Wilhelm, when I could rise up and shake it all off, and when, if I only knew where to go, I could fly from this place.
THE SAME EVENING.
My diary, which I have for some time neglected, came before me today; and I am amazed to see how deliberately (故意地) I have entangled (陷入) myself step by step.
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To have seen my position so clearly, and yet to have acted so like a child! Even still I behold the result plainly, and yet have no thought of acting with greater prudence.