Dale Carnegie said 'When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic, we are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bustling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity'.
Here are 5 essential people skills which would help you know better about how to assert yourself, listen to others and resolve conflicts, and they are: rapport building, curiosity, communication, ambition and conflict resolution. And there is one aspect of people skills which is the foundation of all, assertiveness: the ability to speak and act in ways that naturally cause people to respond attentively and positively.
Suppose, for example, you make an appointment with manager in question to air your feelings. Even if you're personally hurt by the fact that someone else seems to be getting too much credit for the work your whole group performed, it would be a mistake to start by bringing those personal feelings into the discussion. This is a business setting. So keep the focus on business, no matter what you may think it's going to sound like you're wondering, you only talk about your personal feeling. If you say something like' I did just as much work as George. And now he's getting all the credit'. You'll sound very unprofessional.
A more assertive approach would sound something like this. I understand that you're pleased by George's work on the project. And i'm really glad to hear that, because he made some important contributions. There is one thing that concerns me. This was a group effort. And all of us devoted a significant amount of time to the project, including me. When the time comes for performance review, I want to be sure that I receive the same recognition that George does. This is really important to me while it would be gratifying, of course, if each of us could also receive a personal thank-you, my main concern is how this will affect my career opportunity in the organization.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is an antidote to fear, shyness, passivity and even anger, all of which are childlike emotions. in any business setting, the person who seems most mature always comes out best. There are many techniques for implementing assertive behavior, but most are based on what can be called the three-part assertion message:
1. Summarize the facts of the situation
2. Express your thoughts and feelings
3. Clearly state your wants and need, including benefits to the other party
This three-part formula let you express your concerns without being personally aggressive. It has similarity with process in 'Non-Violent Communication'(NVC), written by Marshall.B.Rosenberg, and the four components of NVC, observation, feeling, needs, request, the process as below:
1. The concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being
2. How we feel in relation to what we are observing
3. The needs, values, desires, etc, that are creating our feelings
4. The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
The approach can be taken when discuss a mistake or disagreement, avoiding forces the other party into a defensive mode. While assertive approach about include benefits for the person you're giving speaking with is very important.
By far the most common negative response to assertiveness is simple aggression by the other person, such as raise voices, red faces and fists pended on the table, along with all kinds of threats and intimidation. The challenge here is to avoid being drawn into those kinds of behaviors as anger is highly contagious, you need to create immunity from other people's anger by being aware of just how 'catching' it can be. and even if people don't get angry in your presence during an assertive conversation, it's a mistake to let them leave before any harsh feelings are resolved. Otherwise, you may find them expressing their anger about you to other people in the workplace instead of to your face.
Rapport building
What takes to connect with another individual is self-confidence and the ability to build interpersonal rapport. Developing a personal rapport will not only make business dealing more fun but can also serve as the foundation for mutually beneficial interactions. Some people set up interpersonal obstacles without even knowing it, more like a matter of habit, and change that is the first step toward assertive rapport building.
Smile. People like to be around happy and energetic people, and smile is crucial to building rapport that we need to spend a moment focused on it, you should pay attention to your eyes, are they congruent with your smile?
Speak up. Be sure to speak clearly and articulate your words, you should know how to vary your voice quality to build rapport in different situations, pay attention to volume, pace and inflection, pay attention to what you're saying as well as to how you say it. these should be conscious choices, not just habitual behaviors.
Be specific. Always follow praise or criticism with a word about reason behind your comments. For example, it's better to say 'I was really impressed with the way you handled that customer, by listening to her argument instead of interrupting' rather than to say 'you are quite good with difficult people'. The second comment is so general that it doesn't provide specific feedback about what was done well. In the same way, 'in looking at our production schedule, I see that you missed the deadline for that report' is more effective than 'your time management skills are terrible'. the second statement is too general, subjective and attacks the person.
Build respect. Respect is the fundamental element of rapport, it's difficult to like people unless you also respect them. Build self-respect, as well as gaining respect, have everything to do with respecting others, knowing what works best for you, believing in yourself, and feeling comfortable with your individual style.
Ask yourself these questions as you consider how to build rapport with the people in your life.
What do you want to accomplish? (it's essential to have clear results in mind)
How will you evaluate your progress? (focus on specific, verifiable changes)
How can you adjust your actions in line with your evaluations? (thoughts and behaviors)
What can you do right now to get started? (do it now)
Your world is not my world, or is it? (in here & out there)
Every interaction between you and another person has two components, what you intend to communicate, and what the other person actually takes in. You must determine the extend to which your words have not just been heard but have been understood. To do this, you must pay close attention to the response you’re getting. if what you are doing is not working, you should have the resources to vary your behavior and do something else.
Assertive curiosity
People are naturally curious, everybody wants to learn what's going to happen next.
First, you need to realize that assertive curiosity is an emotional as well as an intellectual experience. It's more about passion than about simply gathering facts.
Second, its about substance as well as emotion, they want to get facts and the know they haven't got all of them yet, what's more, they know they'll never get all the facts, and they're very happy about that.
Third point concerns the operational, interactive component of assertive curiosity. It's about finding what's best in people while also respecting their limits and being professional at all times. it can be as easy as saying 'that sounds interesting, how can i help?' or 'I've been thinking about something new, I'd like your opinion.' It's not just mean finding answers to problems but finding out what people think.
Four, being interactive with people. if you're really interested in what another person cares about, the best way to access that information is by sharing something about yourself, and as you do so, you need to remember that you're only doing it as a way of inspiring the other party to talk.
Five, share your personal stories with flare, you got to put some drama into them and ,make them exciting and heartfelt, as if you're sharing an important secret.
Six, humor, which create the kind of relaxed atmosphere that makes everyone want to listen and learn. Humor and curiosity go together, because both depend on the pleasure of surprise and unexpected.
Seven, recognize what others need to learn. Assertive curiosity means recognizing not only what other people want to learn but what they need to learn as well. Then it means sparking their curiosity to go ahead and learn it.
Eight, reinforce with institutional support. Assertive curiosity has to be supported by he company culture as a whole, it means a strong and visionary leadership, if you're a lone voice in the midst of an essentially conformist environment, your impact is going to be limited.
Nine, senior management should mentor curiosity for team members. The success of entire enterprise is based on nothing more than the importance of curiosity and the power of junior and senior employees working together in an unstructured, no-pressure environment.
Ten, create a fun environment. Assertive curiosity should be fun, the rewards should be spontaneous and intrinsic.
The four must-have essential elements of assertive curiosity.
Frequent contact. Assertive curiosity requires face-to-face meetings with team members continually, just to get to know each other, it begins with knowing whatever you don't know and then taking action to get that information.
Time management. It’s important to schedule group meetings and also for manager to spend time with individual team members. The single most effective time management tool is to create a time log. As a time log will reveal, different people work well in many different ways, people need opportunity to find out where their talents lie and to use them in the ways that work best. Then as time passes, they can be motivated to move into areas that don't come so naturally.
Seek help from management. Upper management has the power to shape a environment that is favorable to curiosity and achievement, you need and deserve a lot of help.
Goal setting- asking the right questions. There's a deep question you must ask: are your goals driven by ego or by a higher sense? Is your goal superficial, or will it really benefit your work and your life. State your goal positive and detailed, align it with your values.
Communication
We live in a society that values communication skills very highly. There are some cardinal rules of communication in the workplace. In order to mask them children, you have to internalize them and make them part of you. Faking the process will not get you very far.
Call people by name. Admit when you're wrong. Hold people to high standards. Show sincere interest. Offer praise. Keep your word. Show your gratitude. Be considerate. Give of yourself. Be humble. Help others save face. Avoid saying always and never. Be descriptive rather than judgmental. Use C-R-C(Commend-Recommend-Commend) approach. Make yourself clear.
To solve conflicts, bring them to the surface. Not many of us are born knowing how to handle conflicts. It takes years of practice. And practice can be painful. But first step to conflict resolution is full disclosure. How to proceed? Stay calm encourage communication, focus on a Win-Win outcome. Set the ground rules. Respond don't react.
To get the best of an argument. Avoid it.
Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never tell a person he or she is wrong.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly, emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way. Get the other person saying yes immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Be sympathetic to the other person's ideas and desires.
Appeal to nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Speak softly.
Maintain open body language.
Smile appropriately.
Maintain appropriate physical distance.
Keep posture attentive. Lean forward slightly.
Don't interrupt.
And if a confrontation can't be avoided. Don't feel you have to get an unconditional surrender. Always give the other person an opening for an honorable retreat.
Some people devote their lives to mastering the art of persuasion. But basic methods are quite straightforward. Becoming more aware of persuasion techniques arm the average consumer with knowledge on how to resist unwanted or unnecessary purchases. A typical sales strategy follows these steps.
Get the customers attention.
Create or identify a need, problem or desire.
Offer solution.
Close the sale.
Also asking the right question is at the heart on effective communications and information exchange. Open questions elicit longer answers, usually include what, why, how. An open question asks for information, an opinion, or feelings.
Listening is an art, a skill and a discipline. And like other skills, it needs self control. You must learn to ignore your own needs and concentrate attention on the person speaking. It's more than just hear words, it's truly understanding other people's message as well as their circumstances and feelings.
( A colleague of yours tells you he is afraid about asking for a raise. Instead of responding to what he wants you to hear (that he is afraid), you tell him what to write in a memo to the boss, or, along the same lines, you could devalue what he's feeling under the guise of reassurance. Your might say something like, 'Oh, everybody gets nervous about asking for more money. Just don't let it get you'. In other words, I don't want to hear anymore about it.) It's about respond to his feelings instead of telling him what to do.
Assertive ambition
In simplest terms, ambition can be defined as wanting to achieve something that is desired or planned. In more poetic terms, it is having a dream and experiencing success when that dream is attained. Your ambition is rewarded when your dreams come true. Let's make a distinction between what might be called intrinsic and extrinsic ambition. When people are extrinsically ambitious, their ambition is directed toward a target outside themselves, toward an external pay off or reward, and usually that reward is of a physical or material nature. But for an intrinsically ambitious person, the payoff is more emotional or even spiritual.
Leading by example, not only instructs your team members, but also inspires them to achieve great results in this way, in this way it ignites assertive ambition.
It's easy to see why it's better to have an ambitious team than a complacent one. In practice though, what specifically can you do to make that happen? To answer the question, let's look at a three step process that you can put into action starting today.
1. Creating a culture of learning in your team.
2. Send your team members to live seminars and training programs.
3. Any time or money you spend on education is wasted unless the lessons are put to use.
Conflict resolution.
Conflict is a reality in the workplace. And it's essential that leaders learn tools to effectively deal with and resolve the issues before they escalate.
Nuts and bolts assessment of the situation, including your needs, is the first step toward resolving it. Making this assessment is your responsibility, but it's not your only responsibility in assertive conflict resolution, you also need to give the other side whatever information is necessary for them to make a decision and reach the same level of clarity that you have.
So far in out discussion of conflict resolution, we’ve focused mostly on what is said, but the truth is that 90 percent of a human interaction takes place through nonverbal communication, including facial expression, gestures, and body language in general. Good non-verbal communication is a critical skill for conflict resolution, and positive body language means smiling, making eye contact, and standing neither too close nor too far away from another person. Conflict resolution is mostly based on intention, you know I your heart when you're ready to stop fighting, when you fell that impulse, don't let your ego prevent you from responding to it. Assertive conflict resolution means picking up on any positive sign and making the most of it. When a conflict of interests exists, don't deny it, but don't escalate it either, commit to and hold a positive attitude about negotiating it, a better alternative is using conflict as a setting for your creative and assertive people skills.
Skilled negotiators begin with a key concept in mind, they know that it’s important to satisfy their own needs, but they also see the value in satisfying the other party. The truth is almost all negotiations have at least some elements of win-win, the trick is to find the and here’s three fundamental strategic principles.
First, make a commitment to an all-win approach.
Clarify what you want and why you want it
Have a focused picture of your ‘Plan B’, or walkaway position.
In a walkway situation, it is critical to address future possibilities, not current problems, and definitely not personalities. Make it clear that you know the conflict is about the issues, and it's not personal.
Besides, use the word and instead of but, but discounts everything that was said previously, whereas and sends the message that you’re interested in the other party and are seeking common ground. Having unlimited patience. Never corner other people, and always assist them in saving face. Above all, take action. Inaction breeds doubt and fear, action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer the negative elements in your life, don't sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy!