生日给你带来什么意义？年轻的时候倒还会出去吃饭喝酒唱K庆祝。但什么时候这一天突然变成平凡的365日之一呢？而且一旦过了40， 你的生日还有啥意义？快到50了呢？哎呦喂！也许我的80后90后朋友无法想象人老了的感受：人到了垂暮之年，还有什么盼头？
今天我47了。老实说，我也麻木了。也有些懊悔：年纪一大把了还没闯出什么名头。长了一岁只是往前一步走进了棺材罢了。
哎呀! Hubert! 你也这么闹情绪呀！Yup! That’s me!
但这篇文章不是为了要吐槽。因为我心里明白，无论我有多可怜，这世界可不会为我掉几滴眼泪的。所以生活的意义还不是得靠自己把它找出来，不是吗？
到了这个年纪了，我们更需要给自己创造希望。这就是最好的生日礼物。
其实夕阳的黑暗是自找的。
怎么说？首先人比人，气死人
还记得你年轻的时候，不也是经常跟别人相比吗？但那时候比不过也不会过于气馁。反正心里这么安慰自己：”咱们有的是时间。还有本钱提高自己，然后拼过他们。“
但现在年纪大了，已经没本钱说这句话了。况且眼看四周后浪推前浪，尤其是做我这一行的在互联网里摸爬滚打，经常感觉技不如人。
打开微信就看见同事转给我一章关于秋叶大叔瞬间报满的社群。这时候我还头疼在自己的社群尝试期间挣扎，看是否能找出活路。
打开朋友圈又看见好几个不知名的90后做出热销百万的爆款课；而我做的训练营假如能报上300+人我就谢天谢地了。然后想不到两年后，它也无声无息的挂了。
Shiiiiit!
活了一大把岁数真没用。除非有奇迹，不然怎么九九六，十十七，我也赶不上这一帮年轻人。如何破？
最近开始研究Growth Mindset，作者Carol Dweck，明确的指出来了：我这种攀比的反应起于我的固定思维：我认为聪明能干就是我的一切：如果别人比我好，就证明我笨我无能，也证明了我没价值。能不桑心吗？
相比之下，我周围很多朋友心态更积极：他们有成长思维。也就是说，他们的满足感，或者从另一个角度看就是他们心里的成功，来自于自我成长。他们把别人做的更好这件事，当作学习、参考、目标。他们更在意的是今天是否比昨天更有长进。
没有成长
这就涉及到下一个我自找的麻烦：限制了自己的成长。或许是因为我太舒服了。或许是因为我太太把重要事情都放在她的肩膀上了。我就无忧无虑。其实，我的忧虑一直在。只不过是另一类的忧虑。给我压抑的不是事业不成，也不是金钱不足，而是方向不清。
怎么会方向不清楚呢？其实我知道我想做什么。但我怀疑能不能做成呢？
我有自知之明：我如果要在中国做什么事，必须要提高中文写作演讲；如果我要继续走培训这条路，我必须多输入知识输出内容。然而道路虽清晰，借口却容易找。我这个糊涂蛋把很多宝贵时间用在看Youtube,Espn…以及八卦特朗普走投无路的新闻(追这种新闻真的很上瘾)
我们年纪大了，就容易想：有车有房有事业，有家有孩有健康，夫复何求…
夫复何求这四个字真是害死人。 不追求长进，则不长进，而不进则退；只能眼巴巴看后浪往前冲的都不见影了。
想当初，年轻的时候，我们学习也不全是为了跟别人一比高下呀；经常也就是出于好奇，想要做的更好，不是吗？这个精神跑到哪里去了？难怪47岁了，就觉得要进棺材，往前走只有老痴呆，穿尿布。还能有什么盼头？
我能不能成为什么？我缺少这个动力还是因为我没好好的想我的故事。
没有故事
是的。这都是因为我没把心思放在梳理并巩固自己的故事。自然而然就没法活出我故事里的英雄。
2011年我从企业里出来抱着一个梦想了。之后建立有意思教练，这个梦想不但更成熟也更雄伟。也不知道为什么这几年脑子里渐渐淡化了这个故事。（其实我知道，but that’s another story）
我们年龄大了，如果不再有梦想，每天过的不就是那个舒适区吗？温水煮青蛙。如果我们的故事依然停留在“平凡的世界里”，每年过的生日还有什么意义？吹蜡烛许的愿望就是“今年平平安安的过，没有担心没有压力，快快乐乐的享受”。但这说白了就是，“让我安静的等死吧！“
你知道一个英雄的故事应该是啥样的。主人公从平凡世界走出来，追求梦想的路途中，会面对困难和怪兽；所以我们需要学习成长，才能克服困难打败妖怪。这才能成为英雄。
我们年龄大了，为什么要忘掉那个做英雄的愿景？我们还是能潇洒的过好几十年呢！
我们一起找意义！
如果你也要过生日了，我们来一起这么庆祝这一天：给自己这个礼物：生命的意义。
从宠爱自己开始
其实关于这一点我也比较糊涂。很多人（我太太）看镜子，能真的欣赏自己，含情脉脉的看自己，这个“宠爱“油然而生。
我从没过这感觉。镜子里的Hubert，有时看着他还有点陌生感。奇怪吗？其实已经进步多多了。至少现在不讨厌不自责了。以前还真经常觉得自己一文不值。书里说，要经常夸自己，脑子里就会慢慢产生这个反应。 好吧。我先关着门试一试，不然我儿子会认为他爸早年痴呆了。
对我来说，最重要的自我宠爱，就是别跟别人比。不是吗？其实我们就是最好的自己。别人做的好是他们的生活。这是他们的路。他们获得的方块放不进去我们心里的圆洞。我们得更往内心看：给我们幸福感的到底是什么？
当然，我们脑子里的小妖经常会提醒我们把世俗观作为标杆：收入、地位、粉丝量、销售量、等等。我们需要做的就是忽略那些声音。当然，说的比做的容易。我现在还经常感到羡慕嫉妒恨。但我也知道得更注意内心的需求：Hubert真的想要的是什么？真能满足Hubert的是什么？你呢？从这一点，才能开始宠爱自己。
其实这也就是自己的故事的开始。
所以我的故事是什么？
今天我要冥想一下我的故事。其实你也应该经常这么做：每天20分钟。把愿景刻进去你的脑细胞里。我的未来将会是什么呢？我80岁的时候是什么样子？能看出画面吗？
今天我虽然没有一个生日礼物，但上个月我参加一个教练式培训师的课程，算是最好的礼物。因为我看见了未来的我：一个快八十岁的老太太，埃里克森的玛丽莲老师，她连续八天在前面又蹦又跳的给我们讲故事，使我们茅塞顿开醍醐灌顶。她就是我的榜样。
如果你现在还看不到自己的故事，我建议你找一个榜样。话说回来，我的这位老师也是可遇不可求。如果我早几年参加她的课程就好了。
咦？也许这就是答案？如果你有机会参加某大师级别的讲座培训，就去吧。我佩服玛丽莲老师，并不是因为她教了我很多，而是她的状态，她的精神，她的使命感，皆是我所追求的。 (她具体是什么样的女神，以后我再写一篇描述)。
或许你心里已有一个榜样，只是你怕做不到，或怕太辛苦，或怕别人说你在做白日梦，你就没敢去成为ta。但别忘了，一旦你有了刻骨铭心的愿景，能看到你要活出的故事，就能开始走出舒适区开始探险。每一年的生日就有意义了。
你就能开始行动：翻开新的一页
所以今年的生日，我给自己的第一份礼物就是写这篇文章。 啊？这是什么鬼礼物？
而且这篇也许写的很粗糙。毕竟我还在练中文。但这不就是故事的意义吗？如果我已经那么拿手，写作不就是我的舒适区吗？
我的生日礼物就是翻开新的一页，开始我的成长。
正好我和太太一起出的书，“故事力”要提前在八月底出版。我能看出来我故事里的英雄。他就是用故事帮别人活出自己。帮更多人茅塞顿开醍醐灌顶。我要一直分享，到80岁，成为大师，再成为后人的榜样。
而第一步就是写这篇文章。输入输出。练习中文。
有志不在年高。以前我也没想到，在我们这个年龄，最好的生日礼物竟然是行动，最深刻的意义是成长。
祝我生日快乐。
祝你生日快乐。
《备注：此文是俺亲笔之作。作为一个中文不是母语的”外国人“，这毕竟是一个挑战。希望朋友读了文章可以给我建议：哪里写的不顺？哪里不清晰？哪里可以用更好的词语/成语？欢迎你的建议》
中文版是先进入”中文思维“写出来的；之后写出对应的英文版（也尽量用英语思路写的）。如果你有兴趣，可以用来学习英语。
What’s the meaning of a birthday? Is it a day of celebration? Maybe if you’re still young. When did it become just another day? And once you’re past 40, close to half-a-hundred, what the hell do we do with a birthday? My more youthful friends no doubt have no idea what it feels like to be an old man…
Today I turn 47. Damn! And honestly, I’m numb to the idea of birthdays. I even see it as a day of regret. You’d figure after so many years, one should have bigger accomplishments…In the words of Les Miserables, I’m just one year closer to dying.
You probably don’t know that I can be an emotional mess at times.
But this post isn’t to complain. Let’s face it, myself-pitying isn’t going to earn anyone’s tears, right? So, shiiiit! We can’t twiddle our thumbs waiting for good things to happen, so let’s define our own meaning of life!
Because at our age, it’s up to us to create our own hope. Wouldn’t that be the best birthday present ever?
We paint ourselves in the corner.
Yes it is our fault.
We foolishly compare,we comfortably remain stuck,and we mindlessly forget our story.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Well put.
When we were in our twenties, it seemed ok to compare. So what if they’re better? I have time to catch up. But now at our age, time is not on our side. And it is the younger generation overtaking us by the hordes. Especially in my line of work, they have the edge playing the Internet game. You have any idea the frustration and jealousy that overtakes me whenever a colleague forwards me an article about so-and-so millennial,who just came out with an online program that sells like hotcakes, while my product barely scrapes by.
Good lord. With my attitude, I don’t know how I didn’t quit and go back to my corporate life. Old and useless. Is there any hope?
So, lately, I’ve been doing more research on the growth mindset. The author Carol Dweck pointed out, that my helpless tendency for comparison is due to my fixed mindset. That is, I assume that my “born-talents” defines me; If I lose to others, that proves that I have no talent, which proves that I am not worthy. But I have many friends who are much more positive. They have a growth mindset. Sense of fulfillment, or their definition of success, comes from personal development. They view other people’s success not through the lens of jealousy, but as a learning, a reference, for them to improve and evolve. That’s their fundamental goal.
Which points to the second failure: failure to learn andgrow.
Maybe it’s because I am too comfortable, that my wife is the CEO, taking on the main responsibility. I don’t have any worries. NOT! My stress isn’t about lack of success, or money, but lack of meaning.
Because in the back of my head, I always realized this: I need to improve my Chinese: in writing and speaking. I need to learn more, not only with more input, but also output. But instead, I spend my leisure time watching You tube, ESPN, and savoring over any news that points to Trump’s downfall…
I guess when you’re my age, it’s easy to think, “I have a home,a steady job, a family a child of two, and my health… This is life well deserved…”
When we could care less about growth, we aren’t going to eat well or exercise, are we? Our bodies will only atrophy away. And you think the rest of the world will wait for us?
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Remember when we were still young? We learned and grow not because we want to best others, but because we were curious, and we had our own intrinsic desire to be better. What had butchered that spirit? No wonder at the age of 47, I feel like I’m stepping one foot into my coffin. Might as well, because what else is in my future but Alzheimer’s and adult diapers?
But all this is coming around to bite my ass because I had forgotten my story.
How can I become the hero of my story?
Back in 2011, when I left my corporate life to pursue this training career, I had a dream; When I started Message Coach, the dream took a stronger more powerful form. I wondered why that dream had faded away, into a mirage, a shadow? Actually I know the reasons…but that’s another story for another day.
When you’re my age, and you no longer have a dream, what kind of life do you have left? It’s a comfort zone. That’s all. If at every passing birthday, our story is still stuck in the backstory of Chapter One, how can we find meaning? If our birthday wish is merely to “be safe, be at peace, where there’s no stress and worries,so I can be happy…” Isn’t that just saying “leave me the F* along and let me die….”
But deep in your heart, you know about the hero’s journey: Out of that normal world, the the road to your dream, you will face difficulties and monsters. So we need to learn and grow to conquer these obstacles, so we can become heroes going into a new marvelous world.
We’re at an age now, where we can’t afford to forget what it is like to be a hero.
So, let’s find meaning together
If your birthday is also coming up, then let’s celebrate that day by giving ourselves this present: meaning of life.
Let’s start by loving ourselves.
But I suck at this. Many, including my wife, can look in the mirror, and genuinely appreciate themselves, and have this emotional feeling of love and kindness. Ugh…so cheesy.
I’ve never had this feeling. That Hubert in the mirror?Sometimes I look at him, and it’s like looking at a stranger. Strange huh? Well, it is an improvement: at least I nolonger look at myself with self-loathing and criticism. What can I do now? Self-help books that advise us to praise ourselves out loud. Do it daily. Do so often. Then our brain will come to believe it. Alright damn it! Let me give it a try…behind locked doors. Otherwise, my son will think his dad is crippled with early dementia.
But for me, the first and foremost form of self-love is stop that damn social comparison! After all, WE are the best US. How other people succeed… well, that is their business, their life, their journey. Their reward comes in square pegs and won’t fit into the round holes in our heart. We need to look inward and ask, “What is it that truly fulfills us?”
At the same time, I know our inner voice will always be there to remind us of the worldly values of what is worthy: income, status,subscriber base, sales, etc. What we need to do is to block out those voices, ignore them…Yet I know this is easier said than done. I still often fail, and get bitten by the viper of jealousy. But what I need to focus on is my deepest needs: What is that that Hubert wants? What will fulfill Hubert? Well, what about you? This is step one to loving ourselves.
And this is the first chapter of our own story.
So, what is my story?
Well, today, I want to meditate on my own story. In fact, you should do this more often as well. 20 minutes a day. We need to have that vision burned into the recesses of our brain cells. What’s my future going to be? What will I be like when I’m 80? Can I see it in living colors?
I didn’t get a present today. But last month I got the best present ever. I attended a“coaching-based trainer” TTT program, and I saw my future. The instructor was Marilyn Atkinson, founder of Erikson Coaching, was almost 80. Yet she was full of energy, telling us stories, complete with body language and style,opening our eyes and mind. She is whom I aspire to be.
If you don’t have your story yet, I suggest you find you rrole model. Yet, I have a feeling the best role model is hard to come by. If only I had attended her training 10 years ago…
Hold on…Maybe this is the answer? If you ever come across a chance to attend a training or seminar by a world-class guru, don’t hesitate. I love Marilyn. Not because of what she taught me, but because of what she demonstrated: Her state, her energy, and her purpose. All of which is what I hope to embody in my 80 year old self.
Perhaps you already have a role model in mind. Perhaps you are wary you can’t achieve it, or that it’s too hard, or other people will say you’re crazy, so you don’t dare to become him or her. Yet remember, it’s only when you can take hold of that vision, and see the story you want to live, that you can walk out of your comfort zone and start your own adventure. Then your every birthday will be meaningful.
Then you can take action and turn over a new page.
So, for my birthday, the first present I will give to myself is…… write this article.
WTF?
Yeah, this writing my suck, since my Chinese is just not up to par….but that is precisely the point isn’t it? If I’m already skilled at writing, then this task is merely my comfort zone.
This is a new page, a new chapter. This is my growth.
Coincidentally, my wife and I will come out with a book in August:Power of Storytelling. And I can see in my future, the hero of my own story. I see a man who will use stories to help others live fully, to realize their potential. I see a man who travels to speak and teach and spread the message even at the ripe age of 80. A man who is becoming a master.
And the first step is to write this article. Input and output. Improve my Chinese to a “not-laughable”level.
Yeah, I know. I’ve never thought that at our age, the best birthday present isn’t gadgets, or dinner, or any material stuff. But a willingness to take action, and embrace the most profound meaning to grow.
Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to you.