Nothing's really changed

Two months into the new year, still couldn't find the urge to write. Reflections over the past year, or resolutions for the new year? Really, nothing has changed that much.

Didn't realize when you grow older, you tend to lay low in every aspect of your life--even in writing, expressing your ideas or feelings that normally wouldn't come out naturally in any given contexts or conversations. Holding back at certain time is perceived the right thing to do as a grown-up mature human being. What's struck me is that once you've chosen to "shut up", or switch off your emotions at that certain point, it's like they never existed, not even afterwards when you naively thought they would come out again. Guess this explains well enough why there is nothing left to be noted down--cause there is INDEED nothing left. 

Work still took up most of my time. "Work pretty much equals to your life" as they would always call it. Well,I've literally stopped arguing or struggling with it. At least eventually and proportionally, you reaped what you've sown, sometimes even more than you'd expected. Wouldn't that be nice? Can't really complain. 

Work,out of everything, is the only one thing in adult life that you can control and rely on, not men, not relationships, definitely not marriage.

As for the rest (not much) of time left, weekly three-minute long family phone call turned out to be nothing more than a routine, announcing that I am still well and alive, except that it always ended to be a dreadful marriage concern, well, for me of course. Frankly, I felt awful and guilty that this worried my mom so much that kept her awake at night most of the time. However, the minute when that concern became sort of a complaint or blame that I was somehow emotionally incapable of having someone willing to wed me, I felt nothing. Truth to be told, still couldn't figure out why people would marry, and have kids simply because they can, or because they have to. Yeah I get it once women have become 30 something, all of a sudden they become a "bargain" in the marriage market. But haven't there been enough tragic marriage train wrecks? 

Don't get me wrong. I am dying to have a romantic love story that ends well with marriage and children. I just wouldn't jump in simply because of my age or parental concern. 

Right, my dear friends. They've been busy either getting married, pregnant, raising kids, or having second-child, some of whom envied my single "carefree"(shopping-free to be exact) life, some of whom I envied, for all the great loves she blissfully had. We don't get to talk often, not to mention girl time in the old days--those were long gone. I am genuinely happy for them. I just need to find friends, younger friends that are still available to go out at night, and send me home when needed to. (That's a joke lol)

First year into my thirties, I would very much love to have an apartment of my own, redecorate it the way I fancy, arrange all the flowers and plants I love, and perhaps a boyfriend who could help raise a pet together.