2021-08-02 Less Anxious Presence

When people are anxious, we often tell them what to think or how to feel. This can calm people down temporarily, but it doesn’t increase a person’s capacity to think for themselves or manage their anxiety.

The rush to reassure or soothe can make us more sensitive to each other’s panic, and less able to distinguish our thoughts and emotions from the other person’s.
Instead of reassuring or calming others, you could try:

• Asking questions that help them think.
• Offering your own thinking only when asked.
• Taking calming breaths and relaxing your own body.
• Simply being present without looking for a quick escape.

Be aware that if you’ve always been quick to reassure your partner or offer advice to a worried friend, people may not be happy when you turn off the anxious helping.

But if they can see that you care about them, you’re not going anywhere, and you’re curious about how they are going to deal with a challenge, the resentment often will evaporate.