But I know the very day and hour when I consciously gave my whole heart to you. I had been for a walk with a schoolfellow, and we were standing at the door chattering. A motor drove up.
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You jumped out, in the impatient, springy fashion which has never ceased to charm me, and were about to go in. An impulse (冲动) made me open the door for you, and this brought me in your path, so that we almost collided (碰撞).
You looked at me with a cordial (诚恳的), gracious (亲切的), all-embracing glance, which was almost a caress.
You smiled at me tenderly (温柔地)-yes, tenderly, is the word-and said gently, nay, confidentially: "Thanks so much."
That was all you said. But from this moment, from the time when you looked at me so gently, so tenderly, I was yours.
Later, before long indeed, I was to learn that this was a way you had of looking at all women with whom you came in contact.
It was a caressing (宠爱的) and alluring (诱人的) glance, at once enfolding and disclothing, the glance of the born seducer (诱惑者).
Involuntarily, you looked in this way at every showgirl who served you, at every maidservant (女仆) who opened the door to you.
It was not that you consciously longed to possess all these women, but your impulse towards the sex unconsciously made your eyes melting and warm whenever they rested on a woman.
At thirteen, I had no thought of this; and I felt as if I had been bathed in fire. I believed that the tenderness was for me, for me only; and in this one instant the woman was awakened in the half-grown girl, the woman who was to be yours for all future time.
"Who was that?" asked my friend. At first, I could not answer. I found it impossible to utter your name. It had suddenly become sacred to me, had become my secret.
"Oh, it's just someone who lives in the house," I said awkwardly (笨拙地). " Then why did you blush so fiery (燃烧般地) red when he looked at you?" enquired (询问) my schoolfellow with the malice (恶意) of an inquisitive (好奇的) child.
I felt that she was making fun of me, and was reaching out towards my secret, and this coloured my cheeks more than ever. I was deliberately (故意地) rude to her: "You silly idiot," I said angrily-I should have liked to throttle (扼住) her.
She laughed mockingly (取笑地), until the tears came into my eyes from impotent (无力的) rage (愤怒). I left her at the door and ran upstairs.
I have loved you ever since. I know full well that you are used to hearing women say that they love you.
But I am sure that no one else has ever loved you so slavishly (奴隶般地), with such doglike fidelity (忠诚), with such devotion, as I did and do.
Nothing can equal the unnoticed love of a child. It is hopeless and subservient (屈从的); it is patient and passionate; it is something which the covetous (贪婪的) love of a grown woman, the love that is unconsciously exacting, can never be.
None but lonely children can cherish (珍爱) such a passion. The others will squander (浪费) their feelings in companionship, will dissipate (消减) them in confidential talks.
They have heard and read much of love, and they know that it comes to all. They play with it like a toy; they flaunt (炫耀) it as a boy flaunts his first cigarette.
But I had no confidant (知己); I had been neither taught nor warned; I was inexperienced and unsuspecting. I rushed to meet my fate.
Everything that stirred in (在脑海中盘旋) me, all that happened to me, seemed to be centred upon you, upon my imaginings of you.
My father had died long before. My mother could think of nothing but her troubles, of the difficulties of making ends meet upon her narrow pension (退休金), so that she had little in common with the growing girl.
My schoolfellows, half-enlightened (开明) and half-corrupted, were uncongenial (志趣不相投的) to me because of their frivolous (轻佻的) outlook (观点) upon that which to me was a supreme passion.
The upshot (结局) was that everything which surged up (涌起) in me, all which in other girls of my age is usually scattered, was focused upon you. You became for me-what simile can do justice to my feelings?
You became for me the whole of my life. Nothing existed for me except in so far as it related to you. Nothing had meaning for me unless it bore upon you in some way.
You had changed everything for me. Hitherto (迄今) I had been indifferent (无关紧要的) at school, and undistinguished. Now, of a sudden, I was the first.
I read book upon book, far into the night, for I knew that you were a book-lover. To my mother's astonishment, I began, almost stubbornly (倔强地), to practise the piano, for I fancied that you were fond of music.
I stitched (缝补) and mended (修改) my clothes, to make them neat for your eyes. It was a torment (折磨) to me that there was a square patch (补丁) in my old school-apron (cut down from one of my mother's overalls (罩衫)).
I was afraid you might notice it and would despise me, so I used to cover the patch with my satchel (小书包) when I was on the staircase.
I was terrified lest you should catch sight of it. What a fool I was! You hardly ever looked at me again.
Yet my whole day was spent in waiting for you and watching you. There was a judas (窥视孔) in our front door, and through this a glimpse of your door could be had.
Don't laugh at me, dear. Even now, I am not ashamed of the hours I spent at this spy-hole. The hall was icy cold, and I was always afraid of exciting my mother's suspicions.
But there I would watch through the long afternoons, during those months and years, book in hand, tense as a violin string (弦), and vibrating (振动) at the touch of your nearness.
I was ever near you, and ever tense; but you were no more aware of it than you were aware of the tension of the mainspring (发条) of the watch in your pocket, faithfully recording the hours for you, accompanying your footsteps with its unheard ticking, and vouchsafed (赐予) only a hasty glance for one second among millions.
I knew all about you, your habits, the neckties you wore; I knew each one of your suits.
Soon I was familiar with your regular visitors, and had my likes and dislikes among them. From my thirteenth to my sixteenth year, my every hour was yours.
What follies did I not commit? I kissed the door-handle you had touched; I picked up a cigarette end you had thrown away, and it was sacred (神圣的) to me because your lips had pressed it.
A hundred times, in the evening, on one pretext (借口) or another, I ran out into the street in order to see in which room your light was burning, that I might be more fully conscious of your invisible presence.
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During the weeks when you were away (my heart always seemed to stop beating when I saw John carry your portmanteau (旅行皮箱) downstairs), life was devoid of meaning.
Out of sorts, bored to death, and in an ill-humour, I wandered about not knowing what to do, and had to take precautions lest my tear-stained (哭肿的) eyes should betray my despair to my mother.
I know that what I am writing here is a record of grotesque absurdities (滑稽荒谬的行径), of a girl's extravagant (过度的) fantasies.
I ought to be ashamed of them; but I am not ashamed, for never was my love purer and more passionate than at this time. I could spend hours, days, in telling you how I lived with you though you hardly knew me by sight.
Of course you hardly knew me, for if I met you on the stairs and could not avoid the encounter, I would hasten by (溜走) with lowered head, afraid of your burning glance, hasten like one who is jumping into the water to avoid being singed.
For hours, days, I could tell you of those years you have long since forgotten; could unroll all the calendar of your life: but I will not weary you with details.
Only one more thing I should like to tell you dating from this time, the most splendid experience of my childhood.
You must not laugh at it, for, trifle (琐事) though you may deem (视作) it, to me it was of infinite significance.