Disclaimer: this article is not saying whether marriage is a good or bad thing (let’s not label it), and I also cannot say for certain if I will or will not get married in the future (I live in the present and do not intend to predict the future). This article simply states my view that why I don’t think marriage is necessary for the New Age we live in.
Saying marriage is not necessary does not mean that I think love is not necessary. In fact, I think love is absolutely necessary, and romantic love is particularly good for human health and wellbeing. And I do value forming meaningful partnership(s). And I do want children in life.
However, despite all the above, I still do not think marriage is necessary. This is because I believe:
1) Marriage does not equal to love
Yes, there are people who get married for true love (I’m talking about true unconditional love, not ordinary attachment love). I cheer for these people, marrying for true love is probably the only saint reason I can see to get into marriage, getting married for other reasons do not appeal to me that much.
(However, if it is for necessary practical reason that two people absolutely have to get married, such as getting a resident permit, then I think it’s also fine).
Other reasons to get married include it’s the age to get married, or for having children, or for having sex (some people think you need to get married to have sex) …
I am not saying the above reasons are right or wrong, it is simply people’s choice and every one is entitled to choose for themselves. I simply state my own personal views that these other reasons do not appeal to me enough to get married.
Also, for me, even if I love, and love deeply, I still do not need marriage.
Marriage is in essence a legal contract between two parties. It is an institutional instrument. I personally do not feel that I need this legal contract to tie myself up with someone in order to prove my love for someone or for someone else to prove his love for me.
Love is, simply, love, and it does not require a legal contract to prove it. I do not feel I need to swear to God that “I will love this person until death do us apart” in front of many people.
Also, it is very likely that I simply cannot promise that (even if I do love that person so much that it may seem only “until death do us apart”). I live in the present and intend to do so for as long as possible, whatever happens in the future is not really up for me to decide. I also understand change is the only constant in life.
You see, love is a sacred feeling. It cannot be by force. Unless I love, I can’t force myself to love someone, neither can I force anyone to love me. Forcing someone to love or forcing any relationship is a recipe for disaster.
Also, this feeling could change too. Love is in essence a flowing energy. Love can flow from you to things and to different people. I certainly feel that I can develop romantic feelings for different people at the same time, this may range from intensity but it is definitely possible.
(and I believe it is not just me who can love/like different people at the same time, so do many other people too, but probably too scared to admit!)
Also I find marriage tends to be good at ruining love for some reason. I think this is probably because when people get into marriage, they think the work is now done and they can relax and start taking each other for granted.
Guess what, marriage is only the beginning, it is when the work starts getting even more and more challenging! Unless both you and your partner are mature, and very conscious and know how to truly love one another, then marriage will probably be very difficult.
2) Forming valuable partnership does not mean I need to get married.
Some people feel their life can only be complete if they get married. I might have also thought like that before I was awakened.
Ever since I have “gone home”, I no longer think like the way I did before. I feel that I am already a complete person. I do not need to get married or have someone else to complete my life. I am already complete.
However, I do value forming meaningful partnerships with people. This is different from I need someone to complete myself. I know I can live happily by myself as well as living happily with others (if other is also a conscious being).
And human beings are social beings, so it is always good to have a companion (but I only want the right companion, a conscious companion who knows how to truly love, not any companion, thank you very much).
But even as partners, I don’t think I need marriage to certify this relationship. At law school, I had the “privilege” to study Family Law thoroughly, and I’ve read enough divorce cases and also have seen enough in real life to know how ugly this evil could be. It can literally bring out the darkest side of human beings if you are not very conscious.
The divorce rate is also forever high in history, 53% in the US, 55% in France, 47% in Australia, a whopping 71% in Belgium and also over 50% in China among the younger generations. This rising divorce rate should ring a bell to people before entering into a marriage.
It’s easy to get married, but getting a divorce is almost always difficult! Divorce is the karma of a bad marriage. I do not really want this karma in life. But this is actually not the key reason why I don’t want marriage (I do not fear for bad karma, if it’s my karma, then I will accept it), the key reason is this:
I want to wake up fresh every morning and think that I have a choice,and I consciously choose this person again to spend for a brand new day (so does the other person). Not that I am already tied to this person and I have no choice.
I think this freedom is absolutely important for me. It can also make the love fresh, not feeling too stale. Without this freedom, even if I love this person a lot, when I feel our relationship is tied to a legal contract, things somehow just don’t feel so thrilling to me.
If this partnership goes soar, then we can just bid farewell to each other peacefully and move on with our life without all the bad karma associated with divorce. And we can go on forming new partnerships with others.
Also I am not against forming partnerships with different people, because I feel that I can really love/like different people, even at the same time (probably range frm intensity). That’s what Osho advocates the New Age Commune Living.
I know this may seem too progressive or unacceptable to conventional people (may even be labelled as “immoral”). But I really do not care what the conventional people think. I feel it is rather a boring life if you can only love one person.
When you have become love yourself, your loving energy can really flow to different people and so can you attract love from others too. You are a person with a big heart and big love.
3) I do not need to get married to have children
A friend commented but you need to get married for children. This I do not agree it is necessary. What's wrong with me and my partner to have children without getting married? What children need are loving parents,married or not.
One should understand that we are now living in a New Age. A lot of things have changed and more and more human beings have started to wake up, not just following the convention as given.
So the view on marriage should also evolve. More people have started to think independently for themselves and start questioning the social conventions that impose on them, and making suitable lifestyle decisions for themselves.
Also in history, marriage was more like a business transaction of sorts, rather than an undertaking hinging on the attraction and love between two individuals.
Historically in western culture, people from wealthy families were directed tomarry in order to create bonds, alliances and mutual obligations with other powerful families. For the lower class, marriage was a question of creating a labour force and run a farm or small business.
Of course everyone is different. I can see that how marriage is probably good for many people as they need this legal instrument to feel more secured, more established in the society or other reasons.
However,marriage is not for everyone and I feel it is not really for me. This is not to say for certain that I will not get married. If one day I meet a spiritual partner that I love so much that I can even get married with, then it is also possible. (however, if my partner is also very spiritual, he probably won't think it is necessary to get married either)
I have also found that many spiritual partners choose not to get married, at least in the West, and they are really the happiest and most in love people I have seen.
World famous spiritual singers/lovers: Deva premal & Miten :)
Also, the famous Chinese actress Yu Feihong, who is now 40 years old (but still looks like in her 20s!) recently said in an interview that “I am not married,but I am very happy.” “marriage cannot make a relationship better, not being married does not mean the relationship will go bad.” “Love is not everything in life, your happiness can’t be dependent on others.” (Bravo Yu Feihong!)
Yu Feihong, still looking so radiant and beautiful at 40 years old!
A very good sign that more and more Chinese women have started to wake up and realise that marriage is not an obligatory thing in life, rather, it is merely an option in life.
Q: How about a white dress celebration? You don’t want that?
A: Sure, I can have a white dress celebration whenever I want right? And I’d rather have a white dress celebration for love than for marriage. It’s only our limited mind that thinks we can only have a white dress celebration when we aremarried.
I follow my heart all the time,
not what the society or other people think.
Love, Peace & Namaste