The perfect apology

As long ago as 1976, Elton John wrote the line, 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word.' Not much has changed since then – saying sorry is still one of the hardest things to do. Here are six simple steps to make apologizing easier.

Work out what you did wrong

There's no use delivering an emotional, heartfelt apology, only for the person to tell you that was not why they were upset. Before you apologize, work out what you did wrong; if you have to, you can even ask the person you upset.

Take all the blame

If there are no excuses for your words or behavior, then don't make any. Don't blame the weather, don't blame your boss and don't blame the dog. This is your apology. Own it.

Timing is everything

It's usually best to apologize directly after your mistake. On the other hand, if you think the person is too angry or upset, it might be best to wait a while. The timing of your apology is up to you but, if you don't get it right, you risk making the person even more angry or upset than they were in the first place.

Say 'sorry'

Okay. You've worked out what you did wrong. You've chosen your time and your place. Now it's time to say those three, oh-so-difficult words, 'I am sorry.' Start by referring to what went wrong:

'About yesterday, when I forgot our anniversary . . .'

Once you've established the purpose of the conversation, apologize in clear, direct sentences. Admit what you did wrong, and admit the hurt you caused:

'I shouldn't have forgotten. It was awful of me. I know how much it hurt you.'

Then the magic words:

'I'm really, really sorry.'

Make up for your mistake

Saying sorry doesn't actually end with the word 'sorry.' Now you have to make amends. Explain what you are going to do to make it up to the person:

'I promise you, I'll never forget our anniversary again. To make up for yesterday, why don't we eat out at your favorite restaurant tonight? My treat.'

Once you've explained how you are going to make amends, then do it, and do it properly. Ensure that the dinner is exceptional. Don't forget next year's anniversary. Keeping promises is an essential part of a relationship, as well as being the crucial part of an apology.

Thank the person you hurt

Thank the person for forgiving you. Tell them how much they mean to you. Remember – apologizing isn't about making yourself feel better but the person you hurt. Say something like:

'You're my best friend. I never want to lose our friendship.'

'I really enjoy working with you. I'd hate it if we couldn't get along.'

'You're the love of my life. You mean everything to me.'

These six simple steps won't work, however, without one vital ingredient: sincerity. An insincere apology is not an apology at all. Above all else, be sincere.