Former Chapter
It's visually attractive to say 'Time flies.' But the truth is time never flies. Click Cluck, it just steps forwards second by second, never too fast and never too slow. When we feel it goes too slow, we are just focusing too much on time itself whereas we overspend it when we say time flies. We overspend our time because it is limited and we desire more. Simply put, we die quickly because we lust for more.
One could do a lot of things in a month, however I chose to do just one thing - be with Rachel. Some say:
People always have time for important things.
I couldn't agree more. Nothing means anything when I had Rachel. We snuck around the lanes and alleys of Melbourne, stayed in those artistic cafes by the Yarra River listening to street performers playing the piano or the Flamenco guitar. I was amazed that Melbourne was such an European-ish kind of city full of complexity and warmth. Hipsters who dressed with delicacy lingered around the bookshops and galleries, making this vintage place more of a Utopia for dreamers who were willing to overspend their time.
Since Geelong, we never talked about leaving or future or anything serious by tacitly ignoring the time bomb that we would have to face at the last minute. But we both found a way to enjoyed the time together like two wild kids who didn't know what responsibility meant. It was fun, and time flied.
She was going to take off the next morning. We ended up in her bed again caressing each other feeling extremely lonely.
'Remember I cried when we were in Geelong?’ She didn't look at me. Her finger tenderly cycled around my nipple, arousing my basic instinct.
'Yep, but you looked as beautiful as any other time.' I felt I was trying to avoid this 'going-to-fuck-up-the-last-night' topic.
'I regretted to know you and have feelings for you that I never had for anyone before.' She sighed, 'I regretted that I had to go back to China, to my planned future and my future plan when I realised life without you was meaningless. And I will regret my whole life from tomorrow.' She spoke hysterically fast. I was not sure if she was at the edge of mental breakdown so I pulled her tighter into my chest.
'Rachel, do you know why I love you?' I padded her back and whispered, tying to calm her down. I had no intention to turn my last night with her into an over dramatic and ugly ending that none of us wanted to recall. I'd rather say nothing and quietly wish her best.
'No. What is it?' She was like a cat looking up at me detecting, anticipating and speculating.
'I don't know either.' I put it as honestly as possible. 'I won't be truly in love if I have to give one reason or a million, will I? I would tell you convincingly and instinctively why I wanted to spend my life with you, but if you ask me why did I fall in love with you, I would say I just did, desperately and helplessly, for God knows what reason.'
She wanted to say something but just flashed a vague smile.
'I will come back if I can. Maybe in two years or three.' Was she trying to make it promise? It must be unspeakably difficult for her to make any decision right now.
'Hey, Rachel. We all have obligations, which make us reliable human beings.' I try to put it as short and simple as I can, avoiding to make myself a sentimental lecturer. 'Do I need to have this right now to commit my love? Live on with your new life from tomorrow and never forget about me. That's enough.'
I thought this whole month was just like a dreamy bubble finally bursted tonight. I kept cuddling her suddenly wishing tonight could go faster. I had nothing to say but crooned an old song at her ear:
Love hurts, love scars, love wounds
And marks, any heart
Not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts......ooh, ooh love hurts
I'm young, I know, but even so
I know a thing or two
And I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts......ooh, ooh love hurts
Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true, I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts......ooh, ooh love hurts
ooh, ooh love hurts
Love might just be a matter of self-destruction that is unbearably agonising after all. But self-destruction can alway be beautiful and fascinating like a fire in the dark attracting desperate moths advancing wave upon wave.
'If I had a chance to choose again, I would stay.'She said with tears welling up in her eyes.
'Never miss anything in your life to come and ever regret for the past.' I stroked her hair, whispering. 'Now you've found your courage to make choices for yourself. Isn't it better than anything else? Say no more, Rachel. I will see you again some day.'
It was a sleepless night for both us. She managed to fall asleep when the birds started to sing. It was 5am in the morning, only 2 hours before she had to get up.
I left the room quietly leaving her and part of myself in that cold little room.
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