The worst ever and the best bday gift

-- I can so clearly remember the feeling and the words you said in the dream. I don't think you are so cruel like that but I don't know if I hope you are so cruel or not. The worst ever thing is that the feeling was so true and brokenhearted. The best thing should be that my mind is trying to call me back to reality and to carry on my life. Of course nobody will be a must in my day and I can live on myself. I will just live in pain for a while. Hopefully the "while" won't take long.

I had a dream the night before last. It was a Saturday night or say it Sunday morning, my birthday morning. The scenario was weird. It was on Captain Barbossa's ship at a dark and rainy night, on the sea. It was definitely because of the movie and he loves that movie.

The dream started when I was working on the ship as an intern, which is even more weird. But anyway it was just a dream. So I was doing some paper work like typing, keeping documents and copying. Barbossa seemed to be nice to me and let me go anywhere I wanted. I happened to hear the conversation. 

"Yes he is on the deck. He just stays there and is not allowed to leave."

I don't know why but my instinct told me that was him. Probably he could move freely and I should not have pretended a hero rescuing anyone but I had the feeling I should do something. So I put down all the A4 papers and sneaked out from the cabin. I walked quietly towards the deck and quickly hid myself behind a mast as I saw the crew pushing the poles, exactly like the scene from the movie when Davy Jones called for the sea monster.

Anyway, I bypassed them and ran to the stern, where I found him totally covered in a black cloak,  sitting next to a wet wood box, head dropping. I suddenly felt so terrible and ran all the way to him. I wanted to know what happened, why he was here and if I could let him go. I couldn't see his face as it was so dark and his head hidden in the cowl. I trembled out, "What happened?"

He was tall and straight so I have had been used to look up to see him. He might not be weak but I just felt he was so weak as he was sitting there, unmoved. I nearly cried for this. The moonlight lit half of his face and I saw a weak smile. He might have been touched by my worried look. I heard him saying in such a low but still charming voice, "I have to admit that we both like each other. That's why you come here right?"

I bursted into tears. I was like such a humble secret admirer, who was so affected by his words, smiles, mood and movement. Yes I told him once but after the decline I stopped myself from saying anything. I couldn't control myself to look for chance spending time with him, which I knew unwise. As long as he was around me I felt sad and happy. I knew it was wrong as there would be no possibility, just as he declared. It was just my fantasy. 

But his sentence took over all my thoughts. Without thinking, I held his face and kissed him on the lips.  They felt cold, with salty raindrops, and soft. My tears flowed down and I could not breathe. Until I recovered my sanity, I stopped this crazy behaviour and started thinking how to get him out of this place. 

Then I heard his chuckle, "I have to say, it's really easy to fool you."

Everything was frozen in the second and I was so bloody shocked. I tried to calm down but couldn't stop trembling. His words lilted across my ear, "I told you, it's not gonna happen. Why can't you see it?"

WHY CAN'T I SEE IT?

The last thing I remember about the dream was the dark sky and rolling water. Then I kind like wake up and felt so heartbroken when I recalled every every detail of the dream. I forced myself to recall everything which nearly drove me crazy. I cried out loud and wanted to cry out all my sorrow and unwillingness. I can accept his leaving and all the unhappiness I bring to myself but I am just so grieved. Probably cry makes me feel better, or worse but I don't care. I just want to release this feeling and I don't care what's gonna happen. I shall just take it when it happens. 

I will just live in pain for a while.