Collected pieces from DesiringGod articles on dating & singleness , marriage , manhood and womanhood. Many things to learn and to be mature on...
The Trouble with Focusing on Your Marriage
Marriage is not mainly about prospering economically; it is mainly about displaying the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. Knowing Christ is more important than making a living. Treasuring Christ is more important than bearing children. Being united to Christ by faith is a greater source of marital success than perfect sex and double-income prosperity.
If we make secondary things primary, they cease to be secondary and become idolatrous. They have their place. But they are not first, and they are not guaranteed. . . . So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It may last a lifetime, or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it.
Five Pieces of Advice for Young Men
1. Find your identity in Christ.
Romans 6:11;2 Corinthians 5:17
2. Have a plan for maturity.
A boy used to become a man at 21. Then it was 30. Now it’s 40. Desire alone will not mature you, though. You need a plan. Imagine the more mature man you want to be and take specific steps to become him.
3. Invest in your friends.
Invest in your friends, but don’t rely on them to do what only Christ can do. This will put too much pressure on your friendships, and you will ultimately be disappointed and possibly disillusioned. Friendship is great (1 Samuel 18:3), but we need Christ more than any friend.
4. Stop looking for the perfect woman.
The perfect woman does not exist, so stop looking for her. Hollywood has lied and taught you wrongly (Proverbs 7:21–23). If you hope to be married, better to spend your energy developing your own godliness and maturity. Become a better husband (1 Corinthians 16:13), rather than shopping for a better woman.
Your future wife, perfectly fit or not, will never give you the wholeness that only comes from Christ. If you are looking for a wife to make you feel complete, to be fully known, or to give you security, you will put too much pressure on your marriage and you’ll be disappointed. On the other hand, if you both know who you are in Christ, you will have the right foundation for a good marriage.
If you’re walking by faith in Christ, trusting him to lead you, drawing Spirit-filled brothers and sisters into your thinking, any decision can be a right decision. Apart from willfully choosing to sin, there’s freedom to roam in the wide field of God’s will.
5. Be strong — and gentle.
I think we need men who have courage, especially courage in their convictions (Psalm 27:14;Matthew 10:22). True courage comes from security, and that is only truly found in the truth about Christ (John 10:28).
We need to be strong — strong enough to be gentle (2 Corinthians 10:9).
Stability in the Storm
When you’re young, it’s very easy to be overwhelmed by the details of every circumstance immediately in front of you — every opportunity lost, every breakup, every failure, every sin. As you’ve likely noticed above, the older you get, the more your union with Christ becomes a discernibly meaningful and stabilizing reality.
Cling to Christ, and as you mature as a man, he will make clear to you the beauty and relevance of your union with him. He promises, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5) — not now, not in your journey of growth as a man, and not when you are older. “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely [sanctify and mature you]” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).
Rookie Mistakes
Five Lessons for Young Christians
There is room within God’s will for you to choose a state school, or a private school, or no school. There’s room for you to pursue that godly girl, to say yes to that godly man, or to remain single. God’s will for your life is your sanctification (1 Thessalonians 4:3) — to enjoy him more fully, to live more holy lives, and to invite more people into your joy. Once the broader will of God for you is plain, the pressure lessens significantly in the specifics. Trust in Christ, take a step, then ask for wisdom as you move forward. He is with you “to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).
10 Questions on Dating with Matt Chandler
Q2 Is there such a thing as “too fast” in Christian dating? How do you know if a dating relationship is moving too quickly emotionally, or too quickly toward marriage?
I am going to be real cautious about saying there is such a thing as “too fast.” What I would rather ask is this: What’s driving the speed? If mere physical attraction or some kind of emotive, frilly, this-is-the-one weirdness is driving the speed, then, yes. If the relationship is outpacing knowledge of character, reputation, and knowledge of godliness, then that is way too quick.
But if you are in a context in which you have watched the person’s godliness, you have marveled at their character, you have rejoiced in what God has done in them and through them, then speed isn’t a big factor.
We have a staff person here who met and married her husband in a matter of months. She had watched him do ministry at The Village. She knew his reputation. What drove the speed wasn’t a flare-up of emotions — it wasn’t a fear of loneliness, or desperation, like maybe this is my only shot. None of that. Rather, there was knowledge of his faithfulness to God, his desire to serve the Lord, and his seriousness about the things of God.
I hardly knew they were dating before they were engaged.
Q5: Should I Date a Godly Girl I Do Not Find Attractive?
The culture tells us physical/sexual attraction is first, then character, godliness, and compatibility follow. I think we get it backwards. I think once character, compatibility, and godliness are there, those fuel attraction in the way that pleases God, and is much safer for our souls.
But at the same time, I want to protect the hearts particularly of young women from godly men teasing them with pursuit. So, pursue them as friends and hope that it grows into more. Want it to grow into more. And I am confident that, over time, character and godliness will win the day.
Isn’t She Beautiful?
The more we learn about them, the more their appearance is filled, for better or for worse, with new and deeper meaning — with their personality, their convictions, their sense of humor, their faith. The once-stunning girl may lose most of her charm, and the easily overlooked girl may become undeniably beautiful. They each look exactly the same as before, and yet they don’t. You see them, even their physical appearance, differently now.
Physical attraction is real, but flexible.
Christians should be cultivating hearts that are more attracted to faith and character than anything else.
The Perfect Spouse Will Not Complete You
Marriages require us to be sacrificing, honest, and willing to serve. Your spouse may complement you, but he (or she) will never complete you. That’s the job of Christ.
1. Character
2. Chemistry
3. Compatibility
Five Pieces of ‘Outdated’ Dating Advice
1. Put the pressure on God, and not yourself.
God not only joins a husband and a wife (Matthew 19:6), but he brings them to each other. If you’re mainly looking to yourself to get married, you’ve put the pressure in the wrong place. Lean on God while you wait and date.
2. Pursue him or her with an open hand.
And yet he holds out open hands before God. “If the Lord wills,” my son will have a wife, and my servant will find her on this journey (James 4:15).
In all of our dating, we must be able to humbly pray, “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). Until you say your vows at the altar, know that God may write a different wedding story than you would write for yourself. And with all of his wisdom, power, and love, we have reason to praise him that he does.
3. Pray, and pray, and pray.
God doesn’t want us to take anything for granted in this life, certainly not our spouse. He wants all the glory in giving you what’s best for you whenever he gives it to you.
If we desire a husband or wife, we should love casting our anxiety and longing on the one who cares for us (1 Peter 5:7;Philippians 4:6–7). Don’t start dating without praying, and don’t stop praying while you’re waiting.
4. Date for more than marriage.
Worship is the end of all Christian dating, because worship is the end of the Christian life. God did not make you to be married, but to make much of himself. Marriage is worth having because you getGodin your lifelong commitment to one another. Marriage is about knowing God, worshiping God, depending on God, displaying God, being made like God.
5. Look to loved ones for confirmation.