YOU, OR ME?

I am sitting in the car, looking at the ten-kilometer tailbacks. My little girl sit and sleep in her child car seat deeply.

These months, my girl was more clingy than ever. It seemed like she was calling me at each waking hour . Sensitive as she is,  my girl was always aware of the situations where I was absent-minded. So she came and pulled my hand time after time.

"Mommy stop reading and play with me!"

"Mommy stop playing with the smartphone  and play with me!"

"Mommy stop writing and play with me!"

"Mommy stop reading English  and play with me!"

"Mommy stop sleeping  and get up to play with me!"

"Mommy stop reading your book and read my book  with me!"

And every time she called me like that, I stopped my own work with a deep sense of shame and played with her for a while, but  being woolgathering soon.

One mother said she wanted to leave the workplace and went home to be a full-time mother till her bady to six-year-old. I don't have the courage to become a full-time mother. Before this year, I had only two things to do with my life: working hard and putting my heart and soul into my little baby. I could say with a clear conscience that I was a good mother. But this year, all was a mess.

Why I decided to change was the desire to be my child's good example. Unexpectedly，I awakened and found myself had wasted too much time. And in order to become better, in order to be capable of facing the risk in the future, I tried my best to race against time. Then, there has been a contradiction: the time out of work should be to myself, or to my baby?

Who can wake me up?

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我坐在车里，回乡人们的车龙排到10公里远。我宝坐在安全座椅里，安静地睡着了。

这两三个月，宝黏人功力上升，每时每刻都在叫妈妈。敏感如她，总能察觉出来我的心不在焉。于是，只能一遍一遍过来拉我的手：“妈咪不要看书，陪我玩。”“妈咪不要玩手机，陪我玩。”“妈咪不要写字，过来陪我玩。”“妈咪不要读英语，陪我玩。”“妈咪不要睡觉，起来陪我玩。”“妈咪不要看自己的书，和我一起看这本。”每次，我内心都会颤抖一下，自责地放下手上的事情，短暂地陪一下，不久又出小差。

有妈妈说想离开职场，回家陪娃到六岁。全职妈妈在我眼里是一个伟大的名词，我没有勇气做这个选择。在今年之前，我的生活只有两件事：认真上班，全心全意陪娃。我可以问心无愧地说：我是个好妈妈。但今年，在亲子陪伴这件事情上，我更多的是自责。

我改变的原始动力是为了做宝的榜样，不期然觉醒了，惊觉自己浪费了太多时间，白活那么多年，于是贪心了，为了做更好的自己，为了应付未来的风险，我努力、争分夺秒地学习、成长。这时候，出现了一个矛盾，下班后的时间，给我自己，还是给娃？

我还在摇摆，偶尔全心全意亲子陪伴，偶尔全心全意学习，更多时候，是伴着自责的两边不着边。

谁能来敲醒我？