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Do you dread seeing you parents? They may be toxic. Find out how to handle them.
你是否害怕见你的父母？他们可能是"毒性父母"。阅读文章，了解如何应对。
Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won’t compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or a serious addiction. We all live with the consequences of poor parenting.
毒性关系，包含与毒性父母之间的关系。通常，这样的父母并不将他们的孩子作为个体去尊重。他们不会妥协、不会为自己的行为负责，也不会道歉。通常这类父母患有精神问题或有某不良事物严重成瘾。对于不称职父母所带来的影响，我们都选择了接受。
However, if our childhood was traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. When they haven’t healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult.
但如果我们的童年具有创伤性，暴力或不称职的父母带给我们的伤口会延续下来。而在这些伤口未愈合之前，毒性父母会对我们造成二次伤害，让我们的成长与恢复变得困难。
When we grow up with dysfunctional parenting, we may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we’ve been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met.
当我们成长于毒性父母教养方式中时，我们可能意识不到这种教养方式是有毒的。你习以为常，觉得完全正常。我们可能会潜意识里去否认，并且并未意识到我们受到了情绪虐待*，尤其当我们的物质需求的确是得到了满足时。
Toxic Behavior
毒性行为
Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents’ behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.
以下是关于你父母行为的一些问题，你可以询问自己。如果某种行为长期持续存在，那么它对你的自尊就可能会造成毒害。
1 Do they tend to overreact or create a scene?
他们是不是易于反应过激或大闹一场？
2 Do they use emotional blackmail?
他们是不是会对你进行“情感勒索”（见文末延伸阅读）？
3 Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?
他们是否常常提出要求，或提出无理要求？
4 Do they try to control you? (“My way or the highway"?)
他们是否企图控制你？（要么听我的，要么滚！）
5 Do they criticize or compare you?
他们是否批评或比较你？
6 Do they listen to you with interest?
他们是否会有兴趣地倾听你？
7 Do they manipulate, use guilt, or play the victim?
他们是否操纵你？采用内疚策略，或扮演受害者角色？
8 Do they blame or attack you?
他们是否责怪或攻击你？
9 Do they take responsibility and apologize?
他们是否为自己的行为负责，并道歉？
10 Do they respect your physical and emotional boundaries?
他们是否尊重你在实际生活中或精神方面的界限？
11 Do they disregard your feelings and needs?
他们是否无视你的感受和需求？
12 Do they envy or compete with you?
他们是否嫉妒或与你攀比竞争？
Detach From Toxic Parents
脱离毒性父母
Detaching is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. It means not reacting, not taking things personally, and not feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs.
脱离，是一种情感上的概念，与实际的距离无关。它是指不回应、不在意、不为他人的感受和需求负责。
Our parents can easily push our buttons. That’s because they’re the ones that put them there! It’s harder to not react to our parents than to our friends and partners, with whom we’re on more equal footing. Even if you move as far away as you can, emotionally you may still react and have trouble detaching.
我们的父母总是可以轻易触及到我们的敏感之处，那是因为这些敏感之处正是他们所造就的。相对于与我们地位相等的朋友和配偶而言，不去回应父母，这更难做到。即使你搬得尽可能远，但在情感上，你可能依旧会去回应，而且难以脱离。
Be Assertive and Set Boundaries
坚定立场、设定界限
Sometimes, it’s impossible to hold on to healthy behavior when we’re around our parents. Our boundaries were learned in our family. If we don’t go along, our family, especially parents, may test us. You may have trouble setting new boundaries with your parents. Perhaps you have a mom who calls every day, or a sibling who wants to borrow money or is abusing drugs. Confused, they may attack you or blame your new limits on your partner or therapist.
有时，当我们在父母身边时，很难坚守健康的行为方式。如果我们不配合，我们的家人，尤其是父母，可能会试探我们的界限究竟在哪里。你可能会难以对你的父母设定新的界限。可能你有一个每天给你打电话的母亲，或者有一个想要借钱，或嗑药的姐妹。她们对你的态度转变感到不解，因此她们可能会攻击你，或将你所设定的新界限怪罪到你的配偶或心理医生头上。
Relationships with toxic parents can be hard to walk away from. You may need distance from your parents to create the boundaries that you’re unable to make verbally. Some people cut off from family for that reason or due to unresolved anger and resentment from childhood.
与毒性父母之间的关系会很难舍弃。你可能需要从地理位置上远离你的父母，这样才能划清你无法向他们明说的界限。一些人正是因为此，或是因为童年时期遗留的愤怒与仇恨，而选择与家人断绝关系。
Cutoffs may be necessary in very abusive environments. However, although they reduce emotional tension, the underlying problems remain and can affect all of your relationships.
在严重的虐待环境中，断绝关系是必要的。但尽管断绝关系可以减缓精神压力，但根本问题依旧存在，而且可能会对你所有的关系产生影响。
Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from your family is to work on yourself in therapy, then visit your parents and practice what you’ve learned. It’s far better for your growth to learn how to respond to abuse.
很多家庭心理医生建议，摆脱家庭影响的最理想方式是通过心理治疗来解决自身问题。然后去拜访你的父母，实践你所学到的内容。学习如何应对虐待，这对你的成长有着更大的益处。
I’ve witnessed clients who felt uncomfortable returning home do this. They gradually transitioned from reluctantly staying in their parents’ residence during visits, to becoming comfortable declining invitations home, to staying in a hotel or with friends without guilt.
我曾见过一些患者在这样做时感到很不自在。他们慢慢地从拜访父母时很不情愿地呆在父母家，过渡到很心安理得地拒绝回家的邀请，再到毫无内疚感地住在酒店或与朋友待在一起。
Some could eventually stay with their parents and enjoy it.
一些患者则最终可以很开心地与父母同住。
When you visit, pay attention to unspoken rules and the boundary and communication patterns. Try behaving in a way that’s different from the role you played growing up (see Codependency for Dummies
当你拜访时，注意那些未明说的规则、界限和沟通模式。试着采用一种与你童年时期不同的行为方式（参见《Codependency for Dummies》（《简明系列病态依赖关系*》）
Pay attention to the habits and defenses you use to manage anxiety. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” Remember that although you may feel like a child with your parents, you aren’t one. You’re now a powerful adult. You can leave, unlike when you were a child.
注意你管理焦虑情绪的习惯做法和防守方式。询问自己：“我害怕什么？”。记住，尽管在你父母面前你还觉得自己是个孩子，但实际上你不是，你已经是一个强大的成年人。与孩提时期不同，你现在完全可以离开。
Where active drug addiction and abuse are present, consider what boundaries you require in order to feel comfortable. Know your bottom line. Is it a one-day or one-hour visit or only a short phone call?
当存在药物成瘾或虐待情形时，考虑自己需要设立哪些界限才能让自己感到舒服。知道你的底线在哪儿。是拜访一天，还是就一个小时，还是一个简短的电话？
Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents are drinking or using drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue a parent, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it’s helpful to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.
对于一些父母有成瘾行为的成人而言，当他们的父母酗酒或嗑药时，他们拒绝跟父母通话，或拒绝待在父母身边。你的兄弟姐妹可能会给你施压让你解救父母，或者你可能会跃跃欲试想这样做。面对棘手的家庭情形，建议咨询心理医生或正从病态互相依赖关系*中恢复的其他一些人。
Some Truths About Having Toxic Parents
与毒性父母相处需知事项
Healing a relationship begins with you — your feelings and attitudes. Sometimes working on yourself is all it takes. That doesn’t imply that your parents will change, but you will. Sometimes forgiveness is necessary, or a conversation is required. Here are some things to think about when it comes to your family:*
修复一段关系，首先要从你开始—从你的感受和态度开始，有时只需要修复你自身的问题即可。这并不意味着你的父母也会改变，但你会。有时需要你的原谅，或需要谈话沟通。关于处理你与家人的关系，以下是一些需要知道的事项：
1. Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
你的愈合并不一定需要父母的改正；
2. Cutoffs don’t heal.
仅仅靠断绝关系，并不会愈合关系；
3. You are not your parents.
你不是你的父母。
4. You're not the abusive things they say about you either.
如果他们对你出言不逊辱骂诋毁，并不是他们骂你什么你就是什么。
5. You don’t have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.
你不一定非得喜欢你的父母，但你可能依旧依恋和爱他们。
6. Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice non-attachment.
父母的主动型瘾癖或虐待行为可能会激发你的反应。设立界限并努力切除 依恋感。
7. You can’t change or rescue family members.
你无法改变或拯救你的家人。
8. Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.
与爱相对的，是漠视，而非厌恶或愤怒。
9. Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.
憎恨某人，会影响到你爱自己
10. Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.
未解决的愤怒和憎恨会伤害你自身。
What You Can Do
你可以做什么
Start therapy, call on your support network, and get yourself financially independent. For more advice, see Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You or my eBook, How To Speak Your Mind–Become Assertive and Set Limits
开始心理咨询，求助于你的支持圈子，实现经济独立。如果需要更多建议，可以阅读《克服羞耻感与病态互相依赖：释放真实自我的8个步骤》或我的电子书《如何表达自己的真实想法——坚定立场、设立界限》
延伸阅读：关于情感勒索
Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that others feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and swamped by guilt if they resist.
情感勒索方采用FOG，即fear（恐惧）、Obligation（义务）、和Guilt（内疚）控制关系中的另一方，确保被勒索方不敢反对、让被勒索方感到有义务顺从，而且如果被勒索方拒绝，会让对方感到深深内疚。
Knowing that someone close to them wants love, approval or confirmation of identity and self-esteem, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them (e.g., withhold love) or take them away altogether, making the second person feel they must earn them by agreement.
勒索方知道对方想要爱，认可或希望自我身份与自尊得到确认，因此他们会威胁说暂时不给（如“爱”）或威胁说全部收回，让被勒索方感到他们必须顺从，才能赢得他们想要的上述东西。
Fear, obligation or guilt is commonly referred to as "FOG". FOG is a contrived acronym—a play on the word "fog" which describes something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone's thought processes.
恐惧、义务和内疚通常并称为FOG，这个缩写词同时也意为“雾”，因为采用这三种情感进行情感勒索时，就如雾一般，会掩盖或迷惑实际情形和思维过程。
延伸阅读：关于病态依赖关系
我们大都会试图关照有困难的人，但当这种关照变成一种强迫行为时，就应该引起我们的注意了：一个妻子满足他酗酒丈夫的任何需要，一个母亲为自己逃学的孩子找借口，一个父亲托人找关系使自己行为不良的儿子躲过制裁……他们会为维持一段关系，为避免被抛弃的感觉而做任何事情。上文中被帮助的丈夫、孩子和儿子会依赖于帮助他的人，同时他们的妻子、母亲和父亲，会从自己的“被需要”发展出一种得到回报和满足的感觉。以致于，双方都变得更加依赖这种不健康的“需要和满足”的关系圈。
共同依赖（英文“Co-dependency”、日文“共依存など”），又称“共生”、“交互依赖”、“关怀强迫症”、“拖累症”、“关系成瘾症”，意思是“依赖别人对自己的依赖”。说得通俗一点，就是这样的人喜欢关怀别人，不去关心别人自己就难受；而且这种关怀、关心还非要别人接受不可，不管别人需不需要。这种关怀，有时是物质上的帮助、生活上的照顾，有时体现为忠告。总之，他们是通过让别人需要自己，依赖自己，给予别人并不需要的关怀来确立自己的人生价值，获得心理满足。http://www.psychspace.com/psych/viewnews-7922