无声告白(Everything I Never Told You): 就发生在身边的家庭悲剧

Everything I Never Told You

《Everything I Never Told You》 中文译名是《无声告白》, 作者是美籍华裔伍绮诗(Celeste Ng)。它讲述了一个普通的美国家庭的故事。虽然这个故事发生在美国 ，但是书中所提出的问题正是当下中国家庭所面临的问题(或者说，是全世界的家庭都面对的问题) —— 父母将自己未完成的愿望强加于孩子，让孩子完全沦为了父母的提线木偶。

Marilyn 违背母亲的愿望，放弃学业和 James 结婚，当起了全职妈妈。而当 Nath 和 Lydia 都开始上学了，而 Hannah 还没出生时，她突然发现自己为爱情与家庭付出了太多，她觉得自己应该改变。

For the first time, since she'd been married, Marilyn found herself unoccupied. She was twenty-nine years old, still young, still slender. Still smart, she thought. She could go back to school now, at last, and finish her degree. Do everything she'd planned before the children come along.

她回想起自己的母亲。她觉得自己母亲的一生是可悲的。她母亲将自己的一生的大部分时间都花在了研究食谱之类的琐事上，将家人视为自己的全部。但是，她却辜负了母亲，放弃前程和 James 结婚。

Is there anything that gives you a deeper sense of satisfaction? Certainly her mother would have said no, no, no. She thought with sharp and painful pity of her mother, who had planned on a golden, vanilla-scented life but ended up alone, trapped like a fly in this small and sad and empty house, this small and sad and empty life, no trace of herself left except there pencil-marked dreams.

Everything I Never Told You

Marilyn 告诉自己，绝不重蹈覆辙， 绝不像母亲那样将理想埋葬于婚姻。她决定离家出走继续自己的学业。

You don't want this, she remained herself. There will be more to your life than this.
Never, She promised herself. I will never end up like that.

Marilyn 留下一张纸条，希望 James 能明白自己的想法。然后狠心地离开了家，决定去追寻自己的梦想。

I realize that I am not happy with the life I lead. I always had one kind of life in mind and things have turned out very differently. I have kept all these feelings inside me for a long time, but now, after being in my mother’s house agin, I think of her and realize I cannot put them aside any longer. I know you’ll be fine without me. I hope you can understand why I have to leave. I hope you can forgive me.

然而，造化弄人。经过激烈的心理斗争，Marilyn 好不容易才下定决心，回到学校完成自己的学业。九周之后，她发现自己怀孕了。她只好告诉自己，她不可能再有勇气继续学业。

Everything she had dreamed for herself faded away, like fine mist on a breeze.
That is it, Marilyn told herself. Let it go. That is what you have. Accept it.

当她对实现自己的抱负已经不抱任何希望时，她将目光投向了自己的女儿 —— Lydia。

Marilyn 将人世间所有最美好的愿望都寄托在了她的女儿 Lydia 的身上。她甚至时常幻想自己与世长辞时的场景：白发苍苍的自己躺在病床上，Lydia —— 已经成为了她期望的样子 —— 在床边紧紧地握着她的手。

She would have imagined a touching bedside scene, like in the movies: herself white-haired and elderly and content, in a satin bed jacket, ready to say her goodbye; Lydia a grown woman, confident and poised, holding her mother’s hands in hers, a doctor by then, unfazed by the great cycle of life and death.

Everything I Never Told You

于是 Marilyn 不再是一个“家庭主妇”，而是一个“家庭教师”。她想按照“合理的”方式教育 Lydia，她想让自己的女儿能够有自己的自由，能够在男权的世界闯出自己的一片天，能够逃离“家庭主妇”的宿命。所以当 Lydia 物理考试挂科之后，Marilyn 才会像很多“中国式家长”那样痛心疾首：“你这样子以后很难找到工作的！难道你想早早的找个男人嫁了，做家庭主妇？ 这就是你一辈子的计划？”

"Imagine youself older and unable to find a job. Just imagine it." Marilyn had found herself repeating that dire warning again and again. "Do you think you'll just find a man and get married? Is that all you plan for your life?"

由于承受不了来自父母的压力，Lydia 最后选择了结束自己的生命。在生命的最后阶段，她告诉自己：“从现在起，再也不用假装某个自己不愿意成为的人。从现在起，做自己真正想做的事。”

She will stop pretending to be someone she is not. From now on, she will do what she wants.

Marilyn 的形象很像传统中国妇女的形象，放弃自己的事业，为了家务事忙了一辈子，将全部身心投入家庭。偶尔在窗台前驻足，回首一生，才发现自己一辈子都是为了别人而活。文中有一段描写，概括了她们的心态：

You loved so hard and hoped so much and then you ended up with nothing.Children who no longer needed you. A husband who no longer want you. Nothing left but you, alone, and empty space.

Everything I Never Told You

本书不仅只描述 Marilyn 和 Lydia 的母女情，还描述了 Marilyn 和 James 的爱情，James 和 Lydia 的父女情， Lydia 和 Nath 的兄妹情等。这里只是做一个抛砖引玉，如果感兴趣的话，可以找找这本书来读读。

《Everything I Never Told You》