IELTS Writing Task 2 015-Should we ban advertisements aimed at children? (August 11, 2018 real te...

一、范文比对

刚才吃完午饭，我抽空学习了一下唐伟胜老师最新在他微信公众号《唐老雅英语写作工作室》发表的范文受益匪浅。首先在思路方面唐老师使用的是一边倒的立场，在部分肯定儿童广告的的信息服务的作用后，就着重从两个方面论证了儿童广告的弊端：一是儿童广告过于强调娱乐性从而分散孩子对学校功课的注意力；二是儿童广告骨子里面的非黑即白的呈现世界的方式对于儿童来说有百害而无一利。对这两大弊病的论证，唐老师都采取了举例说明的方式。

其次，从唐老师的范文中我还学到了不少有用和地道的表达，比如：

1、I’m quite convinced that they are more harmful than beneficial to children.

2、Catering to the psychological needs of  children, many advertisements describe the world in highly imaginative and unrealistic manners.

3、To conclude, since most of the children’s advertisements are misleading, they are really harmful to children who are not old enough to tell the difference between imagination and reality.

4、A child exposed to such advertisements    may develop a deep sense of hostility to the world.

5、连接词：in the first place; at the same time

二、一稿修改

1、首段

We are now living in a world of adverts, wherever we go and whenever it is we are bombarded by infinite amounts of ads. Among them, there are limitless commercials targeted at children. Some people strongly oppose them and argue that they are very poisonous and should be forbidden. In the following essay, I’d like to examine this position and then put forward my own opinion. （本段开门见山引出话题。)

2、主体#1段

The possible reasons behind the opposing voices are the following: advertisements aimed at kids can have negative impact on both of their physical and mental health. For instance, the appealing candy ads lure teens to eat too much sugar and suffer from tooth decay and obesity. In addition Video games commercials indirectly cause kids fall into an grip of obssion with them and result in nearsightedness, lack of outdoor activities , poor health of our youngsters and distract them from (刚才查有道发现一稿中的neglectance单词果然拼错，在这我换了唐老师范文里的一个词伙：distract...from, 看来在正式考试中不确定的单词还是最好换一种说法，不要冒险失分。另外一个词伙：perform poorly in their school tasks也是可以考虑使用的。）their school work. (本段讨论儿童广告的弊端。)

3、主体#2段

On the other hand, there is no doubt that  children’s products or service publicity can exert upside influence on them when their parents are informed of this useful information about like the infants’ formula, most brilliant educational amusement park or museums for kids in the neighborhood or the best kindergarten or primary school the kids can be sent to. Hence the kids moms or dads can make the most crucial decisions of essential interests for their little cute darlings with the availability a nd access of these positive ads. (本段分析儿童广告的益处。）

4、尾段

To conclude, children are the future of our world, so the protection of children is never too critical. As far as I am concerned, nowadays TV, Internet or print commercials intended for teenagers have both strengthens and weaknesses. The government should take more effective measures to curb potential harmful ones and at the same time guarentee the healthy flow of helpful ads to benefit both kids and their family. (本段总结全文得出结论。）

三、修改后记

本篇范文采用的是双边讨论的立场。相比唐老师使用一边倒的观点更容易找到理由和例证。不过作为对自己的挑战，以后我也可以多尝试一点单边立场的文稿创作。一稿大的方面基本没动，因为我想保持我的文稿的原创性和独特性。文字方面稍微做了一点改动。对比一稿，修改稿更加准确、通顺和地道。