2022-04-10 Why we Feel Shame

Shame is defined as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.”

From an evolutionary perspective, shame is a very valuable emotion. Humans are, after all, social and interdependent creatures. For a long time, our survival depended on our connections with others.

Having others devalue us was a threat to our existence, so it makes sense that those people that tried their best to be valued by others had a higher chance of survival.

Daniel Sznycer, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Montreal, states:

‘In a world without soup kitchens, police, hospitals, or insurance, our ancestors needed to consider how much future help they would lose if they took various actions that others disapprove of but that would be rewarding in other ways. The feeling of shame is an internal signal that pulls us away from acts that would jeopardize how much other people value our welfare.’

Even today, shame can be a beneficial emotion, as it helps us navigate social situations. But it’s no longer a matter of life and death (even though our brains are not aware of this), as we do have soup kitchens and hospitals now.

Too much shame can lead to unnecessary suffering. According to research, it can also lead to self-isolation and withdrawal.

As John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame that Binds You, wrote:

‘Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnated in some addictive behavior).’