Self-Help For Skeptics
Donna Talarico sat at her computer one morning, stared at the screenand realized she had forgotten -- again! -- her password.
She was having financial difficultiesat the time, and was reading self-help books to boost her mood andself-confidence. The books talked about the power of positive affirmation --which gave her an idea: She changed her various passwords to private messagesto herself, like 'imawe$some1' or 'dogoodworktoday.'
'It's something so simple,' says the34-year-old marketing manager at Elizabethtown College, in Pennsylvania. 'Itjust reinforces that you're a good person. You can do a good job at whateveryou are trying to talk yourself into.'
In times of stress, even people with close social networks can feel utterlyalone. We're often advised to 'buck up,' 'talk to someone' (who is often paidto listen) or take a pill. Wouldn't it also make sense to learn ways to comfortand be supportive of ourselves?
Think of it as becoming our own bestfriend, or our own personal coach, ready with the kind of encouragement andtough love that works best for us. After all, who else knows us better thanourselves? If that sounds crazy, bear in mind it sure beats turning tochocolate, alcohol or your Pekingese for support.
Experts say that to feel better youneed to treat yourself kindly -- this is called 'self-compassion' -- and focuson the positive, by being optimistic. Research shows self-compassionate peoplecope better with everything from a major relationship breakup to the loss oftheir car keys. They don't compound their misery by beating themselves up overevery unfortunate accident or mistake. Car broke down? Sure, it's a drag, butit doesn't make you an idiot.
'They are treating themselves like akind friend,' says Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at DukeUniversity. 'When bad things happen to a friend, you wouldn't yell at him.'
In 15 studies conducted over the pastseven years, Dr. Leary has found that self-compassionate people are happier. Threeof the studies, soon to be published, examine how self-compassion affectspeople over age 65. The studies found that people who accepted memory lapses,arthritis and other difficulties of getting older, and who treated themselvesextra nicely on tough days, reported more positive emotions and were copingbetter with the aging process.
Self-compassion helps people overcomelife's little, and not-so-little, stressors, such as public speaking. Inanother study, Dr. Leary asked people to stand in front of a videocamera andmake up a story starting with the phrase, 'Once there was a little bear. . .'Then he asked them to critique their performance, captured on videotape.
People whom the study had identified asbeing high in self-compassion admitted they looked silly, recognized the taskwasn't easy and joked about it. People low in self-compassion gave harshself-criticism.
Experts say you can learnself-compassion in real time. You can train your brain to focus on the positive-- even if you're wired to see the glass as half empty. A person's perspective,or outlook, is influenced by factors including genetic makeup (is he prone todepression?), experiences (what happened to him?) and 'cognitive bias' (howdoes he interpret his experiences?). We can't change our genes or ourexperiences, but experts say we can change the way we interpret what hashappened in the past.
Everyone has an optimistic and apessimistic circuit in their brain, says Elaine Fox, visiting researchprofessor at the University of Oxford, England, and director of the AffectiveNeuroscience Laboratory in the Department of Psychology at the University ofEssex. Fear, rooted in the amygdala, helps us identify and respond to threatsand is at the root of pessimism. Optimism, in contrast, is rooted in thenucleus accumbens, the brain's pleasure center, which responds to food, sex andother healthy, good things in life.
'The most resilient people experience awide range of emotions, both negative and positive,' says Dr. Fox, author of 'RainyBrain, Sunny Brain.' To enjoy life and feel good, people need roughly fourpositive emotions to counteract the effect of one negative emotion, she says.People who experience life as drudgery had two or even one positive emotion forevery negative one, Dr. Fox has found.
It's possible to change your cognitivebias by training the brain to focus more on the positive than on the negative.In the lab, Dr. Fox showed subjects pairs of images, one negative (theaftermath of a bomb blast, say) and one either positive (a cute child) orneutral (an office). Participants were asked to point out, as quickly aspossible, a small target that appeared immediately after each positive orneutral image -- subliminally requiring them to pay less attention to the negativeimages, which had no target.
Want to try this at home? Write down,in a journal, the positive and negative things that happen to you each day,whether running into an old friend or missing your bus. Try for four positivesfor each negative. You'll be training your brain to look for the good even asyou acknowledge the bad, Dr. Fox says.
When I asked, I was pleasantlysurprised by the number and variety of ways people said they treat themselveswith compassion, care and kindness. Anittah Patrick, a 35-year-old onlinemarketing consultant in Philadelphia, celebrated her emergence from a longdepression by making herself a valentine. She covered an old picture frame withlace and corks from special bottles of wine, and drew a big heart inside. Usingold computer keys, she spelled out the message 'Welc*me Back.' Then she put iton her dressing table, where she sees it every morning. 'It's a nice reminderthat I'll get through whatever challenge I'm facing,' she says.
If Kris Wittenberg, a 45-year-old entrepreneurfrom Vail, Colo., starts to feel bad, she tells herself 'Stop,' and jots downsomething she is grateful for. She writes down at least five things at the endof each day. 'You start to see how many negative thoughts you have,' she says.
Kevin Kilpatrick, 55, a collegeprofessor and children's author in San Diego, talks to himself -- silently,unless he is in the car -- going over everything positive he has accomplishedrecently. 'It helps me to hear it out loud, especially from the voice that'susually screaming at me to do better, work harder and whatever else it wants toberate me about,' he says.
Adam Urbanski, 42, who owns a marketingfirm and lives in Irvine, Calif., keeps a binder labeled 'My Raving Fans' inhis office. Filling it are more than 100 cards and letters from clients andbusiness contacts thanking him for his help. 'All it takes is reading a coupleof them to realize that I do make a difference,' Mr. Urbanski says.
He has something he calls his'1-800-DE-FUNK line.' It's not a real number, but a strategy he uses when he isupset. He calls a friend, vents for 60 seconds, then asks her about herproblems. 'It's amazing how five minutes of working on someone else's problemsmakes my own disappear,' he says. Sometimes, as a reality check, he askshimself, 'What Would John Nash Think?' in honor of the mathematician, Nobellaureate and subject of the film 'A Beautiful Mind,' who suffered from paranoidschizophrenia.
Are things really as dire as he thinks?Is he overreacting? 'It always turns out that whatever keeps me down isn'treally as bad as I thought,' Mr. Urbanski says.