If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
| If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. |
| Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out. |
| I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato. |
| I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook." |
| Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. |
| Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat. |
| Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. |
| I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. |
| Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood. |
| I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect." |
| Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. |
| I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. |
| People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better. |
| Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now... |
| Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. |
| Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola. |
| "Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. |
| If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh? |
| Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to...Unless you're in prison! |
| Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. |
| Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. |
| If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved. |
| Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me. |
| Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping. |
| If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs. |
| Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid? |
| I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. |
| My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows. |
| If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do. |
| Don't be racist, be like Super Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican. |
| Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. |
| Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. |
| Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection! |
| I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. |
| Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! |
| Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. |
| A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks. 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'. |
| Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. |
| I farted in the Apple store and everyone yelled at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows! |
| Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone. |
| I just saw an Apple store get robbed... does that make me an iWitness? |
| The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list. |
| You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. |
| The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. |
| Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake an entire relationship! |
| Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. |
| You spend the first 2 years of a child's life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. |
| Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? |
| Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. |
| Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
| If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments. |
| If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? |
| Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego. |
| In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that isn't taken. |
| Boobs are just proof that men can focus on two things at once. |
| If Apple were to ever make a car... would it have Windows? |
| Why do medications never have any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medicine bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness" |
| Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them. |
| I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin. |
| Shout out to my fingers, I can always count on them. |
| I'm a huge fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, "Three Hundred Million Dollars." |
| I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out? |
| No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid. |
| I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. |
| Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. |
| Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me... its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice. |
| If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription. |
| Say "I won a math debate" really fast. |
| Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough. |
| If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side. |
| I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person... and that person drinks a lot. |
| Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like. |
| I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons. |
| I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level. |
| If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres. |
| Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich. |
| Time flies whether or not you're having fun. |
| Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally. |
| The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand. |
| Some people cause happiness wherever they go... others cause happiness whenever they go. |
| Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor, and it rubbed me the wrong way. |
| A stinky man walks into a bar. Unfortunately it isn't of soap. |
| I accidentally broke my Irish friend's Pixar movie. He wasn't amused, but he did say "You cracked me Up." |
| Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk. |
| My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can't tell if the situation sucks or not. |
| Shout "out" to baseball players who get three strikes. |
| I hate change, but I also hate change. So if the US gets rid of pennies and nickels I'm not sure how I'll feel. |
| My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition. |
| When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards. |
| I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane. |
| If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good. |
| I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow. |
| Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel it's warmth. |
| Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. |
| I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. |
| If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. |
| Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. |
| I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Scorpio and she's a bitch. |
| Never make fun of a fat guy with a lisp... He's probably thick and tired of it. |
| A skinny guy with a six-pack is like a fat girl with big tits.. It doesn't count. |
| Did you ever hear about that movie "Constipation"? It never came out. |
| We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. |
| "The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity." -Abraham Lincoln |
| If it's the thought that counts, think money. |
| Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's alright now! |
| What's a library? Is that like a big kindle? |
| Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? |
| If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? |
| Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it? |
| My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display. |
| Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast. |
| If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? |
| An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over. |
| Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. http://www.quickfunnyjokes.com/funnythoughts.html |