哈佛大学公开课《Positive Psychology 1504》学习笔记 －Perfection

1    What is Perfectionism?
1.1    Notes
1.    There’s no perfectionist, there’s no one who’s on the extreme, nor there’s no person on the excellent extreme. The key is how to become happier.
2.    Perfectionism is not about giving up ambition, not about giving up hard work, it’s about having a different approach, a more rational and helpful approach towards the journey of our life, towards each step of the way –especially failure.
3.    It’s not about giving up success, it’s not about giving up the conventional currency. But it’s about also enjoying the ultimate currency more importantly.
4.    If we avoid instead of coping, it would affect our self esteem, our confidence, our resilience, our happiness in the long term.
5.    Learn to fail or fail to learn, there’s no other way, no other way to grow, no other way to learn, no other way to become more resilient, more successful and happier.
6.    If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.
7.    The most successful scientist and artist have also failed the most.
8.    Perfectionism is an incapacitating fear of failure that permeates our lives, especially those areas that we care about most.
9.    An incapacitating fear of failure is the fear that is debilitating us, that stops us, that prevents us from coping, from trying, from putting ourselves on the line.
10.    It is an approach, a cognitive and emotional schema that we hold toward the journey of our lives, toward the process of getting from point A to point B.
11.    The emphasis here is on the journey. A person committed to excellence can still be as ambitious or more ambitious than a perfectionist. The difference between the two is just the approach towards the journey.
1.2    Reflection
面对自己很在意的事情，通常都力求尽善尽美，害怕失败。但是，很多时候，也是因为这种力求完美的心态，让自己承受比较大的压力，也会忽视在努力的过程中的快乐。不是说不需要成功或不努力，而是说，在努力的过程中，不要害怕失败，而是在不断尝试的过程中学习，从而走向成功。
2    Characteristics
12.    The characteristics of perfectionism versus excellence:
Perfection    Excellence

Defensive    Open to Suggestions
Half Empty    Half Full
Over Generalize    Realistic
No Self-Acceptance    Unconditional Acceptance
Static    Dynamic
Fear of failure    Failure as feedback
Focus on Destination    Journey and Destination

3    Consequences
13.    The Consequences of perfectionism versus excellence:
Perfection    Excellence

Temporary Relief    Lasting Satisfaction
Inevitable Failure    Possibility of Success
Wastes time    Appropriate Time Allocation
Prone to disorders    Healthy Approach
Hurts Self-Esteem    Continuous Improvement
Harms Relationships    Allows for Growth
Anxiety/Stress    Creative Tension
Performance?    Less Pain More Gain

4    Success and Happiness
14.    You need to ask yourself now: ”What kinds of life do I want for myself? ”
15.    The person committed to excellence dose not give up ambitious, he can also enjoy the journey day to day.
16.    One of the way to have more luck in our lives is to try new things, little things, for example, take a different path, these slight devitations from a straight narrow actually lead to higher possibility to luck, because we begin to see things that we haven’t seen before.
17.    In 20% of our time, we can get 80% of our work done.

5    Sources of Perfectionism
18.    The most important one is conditioning. As we ware reinforced by that what matters is the destination. When we get to a certain destination, such as getting A at the end of the first grade – Well done! It’s the destination that’s rewarded.  While the journey goes unrewarded. And after a while, we begin to internalize this schema.
19.    That’s connected to the permission of to be human. Instead of permission to be human, there was pressure to be perfect.
20.    Not all praise is good.  Praise a child no matter what it is may create the perfectionism schema.
21.    Essentially what happens when you focus only on the intelligence, on how smart you are, you are creating the perfectionist schema, as opposed to the schema that focuses on the journey, effort, hard work.
22.    It’s the fixed mindsets, versus the malleable, changing, ongoing, developing mindset.
23.    One – there is fear of failure, cause I want to be smart. It’s fun being called smart and intelligent. I don’t want to threaten this schema.versua working hard, focusing on the journey.
 
 

6    Overcoming Perfectionism
6.1    Overcoming perfectionism
24.    First, it’s about self-awareness, it’s about understanding. When you can to improve something, the first step is awareness. For example, be aware of defensiveness, and begin to work on it.
25.    The second step, focus on a reward effort. Reward our journey, no matter it is success or failure.
26.    Active acceptance. The key here is to accept that perfectionism is always a part of one’s life and then to say:” What do I do now.”
27.    It’s about then taking action. For example, when I received negative feedback, I literally held myself from pouncing back. And slowly I got used to it, and I became less defensive.  We go ahead and change it by introducing behavior.
28.    I can imagine myself, see myself, acting as a person committed to excellence. Have meditation, cause it puts us in a state of mind of calm, of acceptance, a state of being, as apposed to a state of doing. And when we are in a state of being, we’re here and now.
29.    So end goal could often be liberating.
30.    Do not do unto yourself what you do not do unto others. Or do undo yourself what you do unto others.
6.2    How do we help other people with perfectionism?
31.    Lead by example.
32.    Tell stories about it.
33.     Rewarding the journey.
6.3    Applying the 3Ps (Permission, Positive, Perspective)
34.    The first P is the Permission to be human. So if I experience a difficult experience, the first thing is to give myself the permission to be human, and that would mean accepting of the emotion, accepting that’s difficult, accepting the reality.
35.    The second P is reframing, interpreting the situation as Positive. What is the growth opportunity here? When a negative thought comes up, or a negative feeling comes up, distract ourselves from it, for example, going for a run, talking with someone either about this or something else.
36.    Finally, the third P is about taking Perspective. Is this really gonna matter? Not sweating the small stuff. Is it worth my worrying, and fretting, and being depressed and upset and anxious about what happens now?  Is it going to matter in a year?  Or in a grand schema of things, space, is this really important?
37.    Psychological maturity is about the ability to willingly shift perspective.
38.    Permission to be human – acceptance. Focusing on the positive – benefit finding. And finally, the ability to shift perspective – when do I want to zoom out and ask this “Do I need to sweat over it now? ”
39.    The 3P is more like a pill, that you need to take on a regular basis, meaning if you are going through a difficulty time, apply the 3Ps.