0729 blame v. n. / excused v.(n.) / school bully n.
Although I was unreasonable, a little, I couldn’t be blamed, of course, dad couldn’t be blamed too. He could have a new life, for himself, he still so young, there was no reason to live in the past. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence, we may need someone to prove the value of our life, we all fear loneliness, no one can face loneliness alone. In other words, this is his life, his choice, I just can say nothing.
Anyway, I wanted my father just to say nothing to my life too.
How to tell him what I planned to do was a hellish problem to me. As time went by, I became more and more anxious. The more I imagined, the worse I felt. Eventually, I decided to finish all of terrible imagination, regardless of whatever would happen. First time, I would know fear is our biggest enemy, soon, I would know to do is to solve, you don’t know what that means to me.
When I said what I want to say, I saw my father’s eyes widen, he tried his best to calm down, then, he asked me:” For what? School bully? You have trouble getting along with your classmates?”
“No, no school bully.”
“Terrible food? I can buy something delicious for you if you like.” I shook my head.
“So, for too much homework?” I stayed silent.
“What are you going to do? If you don’t want to go to school, what you can do? I can’t take care of you for a long time, nor can I stay with you all the time.” Dad shouted angrily.
My tears poured down from my face, I shouted back:” I know you can’t, you have a new girlfriend and you will have a new life and, and you will have a new baby if you like……” I saw him raising his hand up with rage, then, he paused, put down his hand slowly and looked at me with sadness, finally, he gave a long sigh, turned and went into his bedroom in silence. At that moment, obviously, something was broken, it might never heal.
I should be excused or I shouldn’t be excused? Maybe, there is no one should be excused, because that is life, no one need be excused.
0730 indestructible adj. / stand up v. / authentic adj.
Soon, I got a call from my aunt, my mother’s younger sister, let me go to her house for dinner. I knew, this is my father’s idea.
As soon as she saw me, she gave me g hug with tears. She prepared plenty of my favorite food. Yes, she’s a great cook, just like my mother. I once believed my family is indestructible and my mother is indestructible, but now I had to live my authentic, truthful and painful life, and my mom has gone away. To me, my aunt was such a reassuring presence, I really couldn’t bear to disappoint her. I knew she loves me like my mother, but, sometimes, I am too stubborn, just stand up for what I believe in.
0731 roam v. / integrated adj. v. / seek one’s fortune
I decided to seek my fortune by myself in an unusual way, and, I dreamed of roaming around the world in my own way, I believed ,even if alone but never lonely. Since nothing is indestructible, what should I do to protect and cherish what I have? Sooner or later, everything will go away, disappear into eternal silence.
The language of eternal silence cannot give me a response to tell me what’s the right way that I can follow it easily. I just can find it on my own way, even that’s a hard way, it’s difficult to predict what’s going to happen, I have to face the challenges of all uncertain things, this is my destiny, changeable but beautiful.
The integrated life definitely included many incomplete things, we can never make a perfect life, so, why not just relax, enjoy yourself in one or two special moments, forget who you are, let go of all the things you have collected, start a new life bravely.
Though my aunt is younger than my mom, she got married earlier than my mom. I have two cousins, they both older than me, they are all college students. So, they are perfect examples for me to show what is a successful life. But, maybe many years later I can agree that’s the truth of life, now, I wish I can stand by my judgement, no matter how good or bad the way is, I’m going my own way, that’s all.