I don't know what I am going to write exactly. But I just want to write SOMETHING. After finishing watching the first four sets of the TV series, Grey's anatomy.
I don't know why it triggers so many different kinds of feelings and thoughts inside me. My hearts beating, breath being shortening, it almost paralyses me. Maybe that's the fu**ing charm of art. Like a gun, shooting directly at your heart, making you die, and rebirth through your death.
Actually, I am not saying that a small part of this TV series have such magic, it's just that it reminds me of so many past things. Maybe, if you want to continue reading, I can try to organize and write them down. But it's going to be kind of boring, so if you refuse to do so, that's OK too.
It's all about doctors.
"Doctor" has long been a respectable, even holy word for me, and there will probably always be a small space in the bottom of my heart saving for it.
When I was really really young, I heard about the disease of my grandma, my uncle, many of my relatives and even my friends, I was always thinking that when I grow up, I would like to be a great doctor and cure every one of them. It really frustrates and tortures me even thinking of the pain they are getting through. And I thought it was easy. All I need to do is studying hard and being admitted to a good university, then become a good doctor. For so many years, it has nearly become one of my habits of picturing the rapture of saving lives. But there are things we can not achieve, and there are people we bound to lose.
About one year and two months ago, I was trying to make a hard choice. I was staggered about my major, my university and whether I was going to take the final college entrance examination or not. The point is, if I choose to avoid the exam, I choose not to be a doctor the rest of my life.
And it made me sad because of one thing. My grandma, who accompanied me the most throughout my childhood has been lying in bed for almost seven years. Although I was not a kid any longer, I kind of thought that if I became a doctor, the chance of her survival would increase.
But just before the final decision was made, that weekend, I came home and was informed she had become worse. So I spent nearly two days in the hospital, and when the twilight of the third day came, she passed away. I didn't know how should I react and I don't remember, all I know is that when I came back to school that afternoon and opened the door of my classroom, tears were about to fall. I was thinking that, school is such an adorable place with all the young living and laughing instead of patients dying and family crying. I was sick of the smell of hospital, where you were surrounded by the sign of death, where you can even see the ads of shroud in the toilets. So I quit. Perhaps there are other reasons, but this is definitely an important one.
However, after a year , looking back, there are so many moments I doubted my capacity of making right choices. Because I gradually understand, that kind of sickness is actually fear and selfishness. I am afraid of shouldering responsibilities, losing and seeing people crying. I was always picturing good things, but good things can't always happen. Someone else's life is too heavy for me to lift. That's the reason of not being a doctor, and that's also why I can't make it to be a great doctor.
So maybe that's why this TV series touched me so deeply, and why I always show much respect for doctors. They are doing the things I badly want but am afraid of. Maybe just a little more courage, my mind would change. But now I just want to pay tribute to you, the white Angels.
Maybe there are dreams born to be dreams. Their only function is to remind you of your initial thoughts. But there are other things you can do to make the world better, and also make yourself closer to your heart.
So, just follow it.
:)