After my girlfriend found out about my secret journals, how I had a dream about fucking another girl and how much I had enjoy it, I didn’t feel like I was doing the wrong thing. Instead I decided to delete all the stuff that I wrote and pretend it never happened.
I never felt the need to apologize to her, neither did I feel like it was morally unacceptable/wrong. I felt like there is this empty hole in me, thats never been fulfilled, no matter how much girl I have dated or slept with... it’s just leaving me wanting more...
After the argument I just decided to sleep through it and when I woke up the next day, I texted her like usual like nothing had happened. I knew how much she hated this, how much she hated it when I chose to run away from the problems because I knew she’s always going to be there for me no matter what. So why deal with it when I could just let it slip by?
Was it my problem that she accidenlty read through the stuff that I never intended for her to see? Was I wrong to just keep that little secrets with me? Guess I’ll never find out, or maybe, one day in the future, that I might just came to realize the solution to all of my relationship problems. Or not :)
I felt like I’m such a two faced asshole that never ever said what I truly felt like in my heart. When I woke up everyday, I put this mask on and act somewhat different, was that even how I really feel like? I guess at first I knew, but then as days gone by, ive been in this role for too long, I myself became vague about it. Perhaps I have confused myself now.
My girlfriend saw this movie and this woman in the movie says: I was told love should be unconditional. That’s the rule, everyone says so, but if love has no boundaries, no limits, no conditions, why should anyone try to do the right thing ever? If I know I am loved no matter what, where is the challenge? I am suppose to love him despite all his shortcomings. And he is supposed to love me despite my quirks. But clearly, neither of us does. It makes me think that everyone is very wrong, that love should have my conditions. Love should require both partners to be their very best at all times”
Is that why I sometimes feel like being in a relationship sucks? Loving someone and caring for someone is just meaningless?
I have always been a selfish person since I was borned, went around breaking young girls heart is just something that I do. Is it because deep down inside i knew, they would’ve forgave me despite it all? Boy I hope i know the answer to it.
Some day, I would’ve married a girl that I want to spend my life with, and let’s hope that when that day comes, I’ve grown. I would’ve knew the meaning of being with someone comes with responsibilities, and I know it’s pretty much going t suck, but I’ll adapt to it, live with it. At the end of day, I’m just a foolish guy that never learned how to love until I lost every girl that gave me their hearts.
Sad. But lots and lots of love to the rest of the world.