What do？你到底想怎样…?
原文地址：https://www.fimfiction.net/story/212626/princess-celestia-is-in-your-bed
作者：ocalhorn
译者：龙舌兰
当我到家时，发现大门敞开着。
我没有过度在意这个细节。在工厂里操劳一天后，我已经极度疲劳了。而且我猜大概只是我的室友韦恩干的--他大概又忘了还有关门这项“责任”。我把包扔在略显老旧的沙发旁，随后径直走向冰箱，准备喝一杯解解渴。
然而，冰箱里的饮料全部不翼而飞了。我甚至可以保证，我早上还刚往里边塞了一瓶草莓味的芬达，就放在冰箱的柜门上。我甚至还用记号笔（*1）在上面写好了“OC”两个大字，来表明那是我的私人物品--看来，我确实得和韦恩谈谈了。于是，我只好伸手去拿冰箱靠背的那瓶半加仑的橘子汁。那玩意已经在冰箱里呆了快十天半个月了，但橘子汁不太容易过期…我猜是的吧？好吧，无论怎么说，橘子汁总是比较健康，除非过了保质期。
一进厨房，我就给自己倒了杯橘子汁，小啜了几口。这橘子汁尝起来没啥怪味，于是我怂怂肩，就把这事抛到脑后去了。反正尝起来大概没问题。同样，厨房里的其他地方看起来都井然有序…或者说，“井然无序”。
我注意到，水槽里有个玻璃制的高脚杯。我于是斜下身子去看，不出我意料，杯底那一滴橙红色水渍出现在我的眼前。所以，我的芬达长了脚，跑进了一只高脚杯里--可为啥是高脚杯呢？好吧，首先，每个人都有一套高脚杯；其次，每个人都认为：只有到了“特别场合”，才能用这些闪闪发光的器皿；因此，每个人也从来不会用到它。而这个杯子，看起来已经被封存在柜子里好几年了…直到某一天，一个没品的家伙拿它喝起了草莓味的芬达，喝了一杯、一杯，又一杯。
我揉了揉眼睛，韦恩这家伙脑子出了什么毛病？即便是对他而言，这也够古怪的了。我只好猜测他还有一大堆“尚未告人”的怪癖。
痛饮一阵后，我把橘子汁放回冰箱，走向卧室。我需要打电话给我的女朋友，然后再好好休息一会。在工厂干活虽然并没有多困难，但着实又热又无聊--“累坏了”大概是对我现在状况最贴切的描述。
但当我打开卧室门的那一刹那，我知道出了点小问题了：那是一匹插着翅膀的，硕大的白色马科动物。
塞雷斯蒂亚公主--带着她所有尊贵的皇家气息--四平八稳的躺在我的床上。她的翅膀微微张开，便已挤满了整个床；她的后蹄搁在我的枕头上，而前蹄则在胸口一动不动：她睡得很香，还打着不太响的呼噜。
我就那样站在那里，也像她一样一动不动--我大概站了很久，也不知道是多久。
公主的体型真是惊到我了，整一张三人床（*2）甚至容不下她的身子。她的七彩鬓毛从床边垂荡下来，伴随着她的呼吸有规律地飘扬着。
我好不容易定下心来，向前跨出一步，然后轻轻关上卧室门。但我的大脑可能还没有完全从震惊中恢复过来，因为我刚刚把自己唯一的逃生通道封死了。
我内心的隐私欲告诉我，我应该为这种侵入个人领土的行为大发雷霆。而我的马迷本性令我有一种仰天长啸的冲动。但那时，我的脑子基本上被“什么鬼？”这三个字给塞满了。
于是，在这种种复杂的情感混合之下，我最终脱口而出：“呃…你好？”
公主的鼾声骤然停歇。她抬起脖子，把眼睛睁开一条缝，然后给了我一个迷迷糊糊的、没睡醒的笑容。
“塞雷斯蒂亚…公主？”
“你好。”她微微颔首。
她会说话！她是真的！一个真的塞雷斯蒂亚公主就躺在我床上！这怎么可能？这…不对…一定有哪里出了问题。
“公主？”我小心地歪了一下脑袋，“你在我的床上…做啥？”
听到这里，她缓缓舒展了一下四肢，然后又按之前的姿势躺好。她脸上的笑容更浓了，但却依然闭着眼。“午睡啊…。”
“哦，好吧…”我环顾四周。除了我的电脑被打开了以外，卧室里没什么其他不对的了。我这么说，是因为我每次出门上班时，都会记得让它休眠。“可…为啥你要午睡呢？为啥…在这里？”
“因为这里超-舒服的。”她把脸埋进那已经有些折卷的白色床单中--那是…我最喜欢的被单之一。
“塞雷斯蒂亚！”连我自己都被这种无名怒火吓到了。
她猛地抬起脑袋，几乎直勾勾地盯着我，然后开口了：“你应该说，塞雷斯蒂亚公主。”然后，她又猛地趴下了。
我用力地用双手摩挲脸颊，这可不是该感到莫名其妙的时候。“好吧，塞雷斯蒂亚--公主，你为什么来这里？
“当然是为了沐浴您的伟大光辉～”
我静静的盯着她，叉着腰，一言不发。
她咯咯的笑起来。“好吧，我来这里，是为了--看你可爱的暮光闪闪玩偶的。”她把蹄子伸进被套底下，轻轻拿出一个暮光闪闪抱枕，然后把它放到脸旁，开始仔细端倪。“哦，好可爱…你说对不对？”
我浑然不动。
于是，她把抱枕随蹄一扔，别过脑袋：“我才懒得和你这种人吐露心声，哼！”
然而，我已经猜到个十有八九了。“我猜，露娜把你放逐了，没错吧？”
“…不要质询我的行动，凡人！”她开始用力踢打我的枕头，把它踢下了床。
“那好吧，但能不能请'您'至少从我的床上下来？我刚下班回来，现在真的很困。你这样做，对我们俩都没啥好处的。”
她漫不经心的转过头来看着我，然后眼睛也漫不经心的打了个转。“哦，是啊，你很困？那就别管我了吧。我只不过是个刚刚被背信弃义的妹妹捅了一刀，再也不能回到自己国家的公主罢了。但你，哦，我的天哪！看得出来，在漫长的、艰辛的一天劳动之后，你可困了！你当然比我更需要休息。
我以眼还眼（*3），有样学样。“快点，下床。没时间睡懒觉了，太阳公公都晒屁股了。”我指指窗外。那里，太阳高高悬挂在天空。
然后，以肉眼可见的速度，太阳诡异地落到了地平线以下，甚至比我手指移动的速度还快。
“啊？现在不是晚上吗？”塞雷斯蒂亚打了个哈欠。“不好意思啊，今天没有月亮。因为我太累了。”
好吧，宇航员们的生活一下子多姿多彩了起来--这才五点三十七分，太阳就突然落下了。她看起来会把宇宙里的事情搞得一团糟。然而我疲倦的大脑此时只关心一件小事：“我的芬达呢？”
她睁开眼睛，对我露出一个璀璨的笑容。“哦…那很美味，多谢款待！”
我深深的吸了一口气。“别这样，别像个两百斤的孩子一样。我看过小马，我知道你已经有一千岁了。”我对她做了个请的手势。“所以，你到底想怎样…?”
她迟疑了一秒，然后露出了一个前所未有的笑容。然后在一阵故意的叮叮咣咣的响声中，她转了个身，把身子挪到了床的一侧。而另一侧虽然依旧被翅膀覆盖着，但多出了一大片空区。她的角上发出光芒，随后地上的枕头便浮了起来，安安整整地放到了她的脸旁--正放在那片多出来的空当上。
她轻轻拍了拍身旁的床单，对我笑了笑。我注意到，她的眼睛依然半闭着，好像将醒而未醒。
“噢…你一定在和我开玩笑…对吧？”
注：（*1:sharpie，一种马克笔。）
（*2:queen size bed，三人床，80*60英寸，往往只有两个枕头。）
（*3:match her eye roll，我猜是以眼还眼比较合适？请斧正。）
原文附上：
The sliding door was open when I came home.
I didn't think much of it; I was tired after a long day of working at the plant. Probably just my roommate, Wayne, being irresponsible again. I just dropped my bag next to the old couch and headed for the fridge for a drink.
All my soda was gone. I could have sworn I put a bottle of strawberry Fanta in there that morning, right there in the pocket of the fridge door. I'd even written 'OC' with a sharpie on the cap. Wayne needed a talking to, that was for sure. I settled for the half-gallon of orange juice in the back. It had been in there a long time, but orange juice doesn't really go bad, does it? Probably healthier, anyway. Unless it went bad.
It didn't taste wrong, so I shrugged it off. Probably fine. The rest of the house seemed to be in normal order, or normal disorder.
There was a crystal wine glass in the sink. I leaned over to look, and yes, it had a tiny little smear of red in the bottom. So that was where the Fanta went. But why the wine glass? Everybody has them: a set of fancy glasses they keep around 'for special occasions' but never actually use. This one had probably sat untouched in the cupboard for years... until today, when somebody used it to drink strawberry Fanta... a lot of strawberry Fanta.
I rolled my eyes. What was up with Wayne? This was weird, even for him. Not that I had much room to talk, I supposed.
After a good swig, I put the orange juice back in the fridge and headed to my bedroom. I needed to call my girlfriend, but then I could relax for a while. Work at the plant wasn't all that hard, but it was hot and tedious. 'Tiresome' might be the word.
As soon as I opened the door to my bedroom, I knew something was wrong. A big white equine something with wings.
Princess Celestia — in all her royal glory — was lying on my bed. Her wings sprawled open across the sheets, her back hooves rested on my favorite pillow, and her front hooves rested on her chest. She snored lightly.
I stood there, frozen in the doorway. I stood there for a long time.
It amazed me, how big she was. She filled up the whole queen size bed, and then some. Her mane and tail flowed off of it, waving across the floor as she slept.
I regained enough mental function to take another step and shut the door behind me... but not enough function to think that maybe I should have left my escape route open.
Some primitive part of me wanted to rage at the violation of my personal territory. Some fan-boyish part of me wanted to squeal with glee. But most of me just wanted to say, 'What the hell?'
These conflicting desires conspired to produce a very profound “Um... what?”
Her snoring stopped. She rolled her neck, opened her eyes just a little, and gave me a sleepy upside-down smile.
“Princess Celestia?”
She nodded a little. “Hi.”
She could talk! She was real. The real Princess Celestia was in my bed. This was so impossible! ... And so... wrong.
“Princess?” I leaned my head a little to the side as I asked. “What are you doing in my bed?”
She slowly stretched her hooves out before plopping them back down exactly where they were. Her smile grew, but her eyes closed. “Napping.”
“Right...” I looked around the room. Nothing else seemed to be out of place, though my computer was turned on. I always put it in sleep mode before I leave for work. “But... why are you napping? Why are you napping here?”
“S'very comfy.” She nuzzled her head into a soft, wadded-up blanket — one of my favorites.
“Celestia!” I surprised myself with my vehemence.
Her head popped up and turned almost upright. “Princess Celestia.” She plopped back down onto the bed.
I rubbed my hand across my face. This was not the time for such weirdness. “Okay, Princess Celestia. Why are you here?”
“To bask in your glorious presence, of course.”
I just stared at her, my hands on my hips.
“She giggled. “Very well, I'm here to appreciate your lovely Twilight Sparkle toy.” She reached beneath a blanket and pulled out a Twilight plushie, holding it up to her face. “It's so cute!”
I didn't move.
She tossed the plushie away and turned her head. “I have no need to confide in the likes of you!”
I was figuring things out, though. “Luna banished you, didn't she?”
“Question not my motives, mortal!” She kicked my favorite pillow onto the floor.
“Well, can you at least get out of my bed? I'm really tired from work and I need to relax. This isn't helping.”
She rolled her head to look at me, then rolled her eyes as well. “Oh, you are tired? Pay no attention to me, I have just been thrust across an uncrossable reality barrier by my treacherous niece, but oh no, you're tired from your pathetic daily labor and need your rest.”
I matched her eye roll. “Come on, this is no time for sleeping. Look how high the sun is.” I pointed at the window.
The slow fall of my finger traced the sun's abnormally fast descent below the horizon.
“There. Nighttime.” Celestia yawned. “No moon today. Too tired.”
Well that was going to make some astronomers' lives more interesting than usual. Sunset at five thirty. She might be messing with things on an astronomical scale, but my tired mind was focused on smaller things. “And my Fanta?”
She opened her eyes again and smiled wide. “It was delicious!”
I breathed a heavy sigh. “Come on. Don't be childish. I've watched the show — I know you're over a thousand years old.” I gestured toward my bed. “So what are we going to do about this?”
She paused for a moment, then smiled even wider. With altogether more rustling, flopping, and tussling of sheets than necessary, she turned herself around and rolled over onto her side, freeing up half the bed, though her wings hung over the edge on one side. Her horn glowed, and my pillow floated up to the head of the bed next to her.
She patted the empty spot on the bed next to her and smiled at me, her eyes still drooping sleepily.
“Oh, you have got to be kidding.”