I always can't manage my money well. Several days ago, I found that I fell into economic crisis. But I don't want to ask parents or friends for help as before. I try to do a part-time job.
Today I went to an interview for a tutor. This is a simple job, I only need to supervise two chlidren doing their homework. Afternoon, I meeting with the children's mother and communicate with her for a while. But when we came to her door, I saw two persons looked to be about my age. They went to the interview, too. After communicated, the aunt asked us to contact again after reconsider.
I don't know what she saw in the interview. But I received her message, she gently turned me down. It will be insignificant to me if it is my first failure. But It was the final nail in its coffin.
I have always been failed in interviews since I entered the university. I more and more be afraid of failure, because every failure negative to me. This can't be a coincidence. I know the reason is my diffidence.
I try to overcome the weakness all the time although the process is very painful. There are two souls in my body. They always fight with another. One want to go to a dine together, but another want to study for a while. One want to communicate with others, but another want to read quietly. One want to go to a trip, but another want to walk alone.
Hardworking will be rewarded. I made a good progress after the effort. But when I thought I have overcame diffidence successfully, the interview poured a pot of cold water to me.
I continually told myself that one failure mean nothing and I should be perseverant before I succeed, tears is sign of cowardice. But the another soul told me that I was deceiving myself. Emerging in my mind is every failures, they all ridicule me that you can't change diffidence forever, you are destined to ordinary. Maybe I don't have enough courage and perseverance to face the difficulties in the way to get something I want. I could't help myself crying like a child. I haven't tasted tears for a long time.
Is this my destiny? I want to comprise with destiny. Efforts may not be successful, but to give up a certain comfort. It sounds good.
But destiny won't comprise with me. I must fight it in desperate.