I have never seriously think about the parenting style before my son entered the school. Probably Chinese traditional philosophy of "Whatever be will be" subconsciously in mind or Western thought---All children have their own unique temperaments and "inborn" styles of behaving. Or perhaps at that time my mothering mentality is not well developed or just lazy.
I am a yelling,lecturing and chatty mum. Patient sometimes, impatient when most cases. I am no different than most of the parents who are in anxiety.
Like many parents, it is ecstatic to grow up with kids. Although his academic performance is still average, and he is not sports or music child. But the experience with my child make me stretch in every aspects of field in life,it stimulated me to reflect about myself, my friends, and my life.
“The opposite of prosperity is not poverty,it is anxiety”,I read it from a book which I happen to read.I decided to think about a suitable parenting style for myself. I'm not a successful example to some extent, my child is one of also-rans in academic, but I'd like to share the approaches to coaching I have tried. I am aware that perhaps the consequence could only be seen after years.
1.Building a basic level of happiness
According to a recognized positive psychology course online, a person's feelings fluctuate around a basic level(or basic line), which means no matter how successful or frustrating one’s experiences have been , after this special period, one's happiness will return to the basic level of happiness.
There is no universal standard of technique for coaching children, I believe. After a swimming class one day, my son told me he only took his swimming suit without goggles and bath towel. And he cheerfully turned to the coach to borrow some goggles to finish the class. “The best thing today is”,he added, “I will save all my time washing my bath towel and goggles. What I need to wash is only my swimming suit.” I summarize, “Well done”is not necessary in this situation,for I want him to subconsciously consider this as a normal situation,and lock-in this behavior. He could benefit from his basic level of happiness in the future.
The level of a child’s happiness is determined by his resourcefulness which he learns from his parents, I think. If you are on the same page as your partner when it comes to parenting, you are quite lucky. Otherwise, the cost of being at cross purposes could be taxing. That is to say, you have limited supports from your soulmate. Meanwhile when negative discussion occurs between you and your partner, more wisdom is required to minimize the negative aspect on the child. What’s the core of this wisdom?In my opinion, it is respect to your husband or wife.
2.Stand in other’s shoes
“To Kill a Mocking Bird” is a classic and more than just literature. Atticus is a great father who displays considerable understanding and know-how in raising children first,and then he is a lawyer.
In the book, we all remember ”You never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them”, ”You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view--- until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
One of the impressive scenes is that Atticus and his kids are surrounded by opponents in front of the jail due to his defendant for “Negro”,with long standoff . “When they had home in quietly, so as not to wake Aunty, Atticus killed the engine in the driveway and coasted to the carhouse; we went in the back door and to our rooms without a word.” Returning home after surviving danger, Atticus first concern is still for Aunt Alexandra’s well-being.
It reminded me that before my boy’s kindergarten, I didn't know how to smooth his separation anxiety. I asked him to have a “role play”. I played new kids in kindergarten. I pretended one is crying”wildly sad”, the other one is sobbing "quiet sad". Both of them suffer miserable from home leaving. My child is asked to comfort the two children in separate way.Consequently, his first two weeks in kindergarten were in smooth transition apart from a bit weepy first day. When I think of it now, he might remember some comfort words in the role play to apply to himself when he stepped in the kindergarten .
In an online course by Yale I learned, you could play a pretend tantrum game with your child. You give a calm instruction---”you can't watch TV now”, and then your kid is asked to react in two ways. Firstly pretend to get mad, fold arms, but without hitting and shouting. Secondly is opposite. The child need to pretend to throw a tantrum. He could gauge his two reactions after pretending to the roles.
3.Cultivate their resilience to overcome difficulties
A child's perseverance in overcoming difficulties is likely to be his ability to overcome difficulties when he grows up.
As parents, we are responsible for preparing our children for life ad adults in the real world, where difficult things always happen, so we need to "immunize" them against difficult experience. We allow them to experience things like disappointment, sadness,failure, frustration, and boredom in small doses now, so that they will gradually develop the resilience they will need to overcome these potentially larger difficulties as adults.
Though the book of “Tiger Mum”is not recognized by anyone. But what I agree most is “what Chinese parent understand is that nothing is fun until you are good at it”. Some children are gifted, probably could be happily educated. I used to have an unrealistic picture about "happy education". But looking around now, I believe more children are "happy" through assiduity. Repeated study and housework routine, not only is the accumulation of exploration, but also is the bank of perseverance. Temporary frustration will help them to "blunt" towards adulthood difficulties.
Finally, do not take everything granted, keep your curiosity. whether children or adults, it is curiosity take us higher.