Before: Unavailable because it has hibernate capacity enabled but the master image doesn’t support hibernation. (This is the string for a tooltip)
After: Unavailable because the machine profile has hibernate capacity enabled while the master image doesn’t support hibernation.
After 2: The machine profile is unavailable because it has hibernation enabled while the master image doesn’t support hibernation.
Comments: But is too surprising according to J. He suggested using while because while can be used to emphasize the difference between two situations, activities, etc. While is better than Wherears because the latter is formal and out of fashion. 注意：while is used to link two sentences for comparison not two nouns.
Before: Enhancement to the Dislike icon. You can hide a recommendation or the recommendation widget by clicking the Dislike icon.
After: Enhancement to the Dislike icon. If you dislike a recommendation, the recommendation disappears. If you dislike the recommendation widget, the widget disappears.
Common:
Logic error.It's because you dislike it, we hide it for you. It's not to hide it by clicking the icon. Clear thinking makes clear writing.
Before: The write-back cache is unavailable because the selected machine profile is hibernation enabled. Comment: no obvious cause-effect relationship between them.
After 1: The write-back cache is unavailable for machine profiles with hibernation enabled.
After 2: The write-back cache is available only if the machine profile is hibernation disabled.
? The write-back cache is not supported for machine profiles with hibernation enabled.
Before: Follow Step 2: Prepare a master image on the template VM in Use MCS to create Linux VMs on Azure to prepare a master image.
After: To prepare a master image, followStep 2: Prepare a master image on the template VM in Use MCS to create Linux VMs on Azure.
Reason: Previously, I thought, if an action purpose is optional, we then could start the action descripton with an infinitive (to state the action purpose). But in this case, the action is lengthy, we can break the rule.
Before:If needed, you can specify another file share to store VHDX disks for OneDrive folders.
After: If needed, you can specify a different file share to store VHDX disks for OneDrive folders.
Reason: Different is more precise. another means more / additional / different. `Different` is only one of the meanings.
Before: To save storage costs
After: To save storage cost
Reason: `storage cost` is only one type of cost. If you want to say different types of costs, then you can use `costs`.
Before: Include files to the shared store
After: Include files in the shared store
Reason: Dynamic verb vs. Static verb. Include is a static verb.
Before: XX service provides the following roles to control user access to types of ITSM services.
After: XX service provides the following roles to control user access to various types of ITSM services.
Reason: Sounds more natural.
Before: Improve logon experience.
After: Improve user logon experience.
Reason: Make it more clear.
Before: When your environment has the user store deployed, enable the following features to improve logon performance:
After: After deploying the user store in your environment, enable the following policies to improve user logon performance:
Reason: To avoid passive voice. (My inital draft was written with the consideration that: the deploy user store might not be done by the current user, you).
Before: Enable the full profile container
After: Enable the profile container for the full profile
Reason: More specific.
Before: Test results of enabling streamed profiles and accelerating folder mirroring:
After: Test results of enabling the Streamed user profiles and Accelerating folder mirroring policies:
Reason: To make the content easier to understand, use the policy names not the purposes of those policies
Before: Start the Process employee separation service to log them out of launched sessions and reclaim their apps and desktops.
After: Start the Process employee separation service to log them out of launched sessions and to reclaim their apps and desktops.
Reason: Adding the "to" makes it more clear "reclaim" is one of the purposes of the "Start ... service".
Before: Work in progress: indicates that the request has been approved but the resource is being assigned.
After: Work in progress: indicates that the request has been approved but the resource has not yet been assigned.
Reason: In the 1st version, users might have the question: how long should I need to wait? But in the revised version, it states only the current relationship with the expected results.
Before: However, if your organization manages user assignments using AD groups, you can choose to add users to AD groups.
After: However, if your organization manages user assignments using AD groups, you can choose to add users to those AD groups.
Reason: Build a stronger connection between the two clauses.
Before: Deprovisioning idle desktops
applies only tostatic VDI desktops. (取消配置空闲桌面仅适用于静态 VDI 桌面。)After: Deprovisioning idle desktops is supported only for static VDI desktops. (仅静态 VDI 桌面支持取消配置空闲桌面)
Reason: Logic error. Before版本是产品feature视角，把deprovisioning作为了一个feature，feature applies to.. 但是，从用户视角，deprovisioning is a user action. 因而用apply不合适。
Before: To delete desktops and their hosting virtual machines
After: To delete desktops and the virtual machines hosting them
Before: Deprovisioning types have been renamed to ease understanding. （ease means alleviate, make the easier, make sth or to become less tight and more relaxed）
After: Deprovisioning types have been renamed for better understanding. (为了更好理解）
Reason: Sounds more natural.
Before: When viewing machine counts by availability state, you can click a state name to view the corresponding machine details.
After: When viewing machine counts by availability state, you can click a state to view the corresponding machine details.
Reason: name is not needed.
Before: Detailed information includes the resource location, host type, access credentials, storage method to use, and which networks VMs on the host use.
After: Detailed information includes the resource location, host type, access credentials, storage method to use, and which networks the VMs on the host use.
Reason: Without the "the" makes it hard for readers to identify the subject and the object.
Before: Only machine profiles with the same settings as the selected image are shown (Hibernate capacity:
; Trusted launch: ) .
After: Showing only machine profiles that have the same settings as the selected image (Hibernate capacity:; Trusted launch: ). Reason: 1. Changing "Be shown" to "showing" avoids an awkward unbalanced sentence structure--Heavy head. 2. Changing "with" to "have" 使比较句结构更为清晰.
Before: Showing all VHD images and the non-VHD images that have the same settings as the one in use (OS type:
; Hibernate capacity: disabled). After: Showing all VHD images, plus the non-VHD images that have the same settings as the one in use (OS type:
; Hibernate capacity: disabled). Reason: 关于逗号的使用--Always use a comma if the comma will prevent misreading and make the sentence structure clearer. 不使用逗号时，relative clause可能让读者误认为是修饰VHD images与non-VHD image。
Before: Import the configuration that Citrix DaaS uses to authenticate to your OCI tenancy.
After: Import the content in the configuration file to let Citrix DaaS authenticate to your OCI tenancy.
Reason: Relative clause后路的两个不定式，后一个可能是跟着authenticate还是import，有ambiguity.
Reading series:
-【Learn from Edits】Articles（I）
- 【Learn from Edits】Articles（III）