10 Ways a Programmer Can Improve His or Her Sex Life
By Laura Milligan
Okay, so you’re smart. Unbelievably smart. You know how to set up Web sites and develop whole software programs while the rest of us are stuck trying to download a new browser. What most people don’t realize, though, is that coders and programmers are a pretty sexy group of guys and girls who just happen to know a lot about computer technology. Everyone could use a little help in the dating and sex department, however, so we’ve compiled this list to help you get lucky in the bedroom – as well as the chatroom.
- Only hang out with other programmers.
As if anyone else is really worth your time. Who else understands the importance of the new JavaScript updates or the appeal of disemboweling a new Mac notebook? Going out to a bar or club packed with hot, sweaty dancers in revealing clothing is not the way to form a lasting relationship. Instead, sit in your friend’s basement and drink cases of ale while you count down the number of days until the SxSW conference or play Bill Gates: the Early Years trivia games.
Practice speaking in your own language made up of obscure programming symbols that only you know how to articulate. If you do happen to go out in public, everyone else will be so wowed by your inside jokes and intricate server understanding that they might just overlook the fact that you haven’t bathed in nineteen days.
- Act superior because you know who Linus Torvalds is.
You also know how to perform even the most obscure input and output challenges, and you torment those who can barely plug in their modems correctly - as if learning everything about computer programming is that difficult. Anyone who has enough passion to stay up into the wee hours of the morning memorizing fascinating timelines and cracking codes would understand whatever it is you’re talking about. Cryptanalysis through quantum computing is your passion, baby! Behaving like a snob will get you lots of attention, because it makes everyone want to be just like you. They wish!
- Never leave the house (unless you are going to meet other computer programmers).
Everyone knows the opposite sex is turned on by mystery. Act the part of the dark, enigmatic stranger, and you’ll be fighting off hotties left and right. Click on this Web site for cool tips on how to be mysterious. We’ve also found that the easiest way to create intrigue is to stay shut up in your home for hours, even days on end, emerging only to do your hunting, er, grocery shopping or to attend a web programmers’ party. It’s best to sneak around after dark, eliminating the chances of someone actually spotting you - except your sexy stalkers, of course, who have just been waiting for you to come out into the open. If you do bump into one of your stalkers by mistake, look away immediately and do not speak. Feign cool disregard while you sneak a peek at them gawking after you. Heh heh. You’re so bad.
- Avoid sunlight at all costs.
Pale is in, people, hasn’t anyone been watching Conan O’Brien? Extreme sunlight damages your sensitive skin, and besides, a deep tan will make you look common. If you have to step outside during the day, pull your socks up to your knees, wear a protective flannel over shirt, and top it all off with your grandmother’s gardening hat. Your future hookup will love you for your soft, smooth, milky white flesh. Elizabethan royalty prided themselves in having the whitest skin possible, and who doesn’t strive to be as cool as Elizabethan royalty?
- Remain viciously territorial of all software you designed, Web sites you developed, or revolutionary new ideas you harbor.
Once something makes it onto the Web, everyone thinks they have the right to assume partial ownership. The truth is somebody worked long and hard to make it possible for you to order pizza online or set up Google Adsense on your worthless little blog. The moment you hear anyone try to take credit for his or her own Web site, challenge them on the spot and quiz them on how they formatted their source or how they managed to solve the frustrating problem of float bugs. You’ll win major points with your date for sticking up for yourself and being a confident brainiac. There’s nothing sexier than being armed with knowledge.
- Make fun of your date’s “cool new computer.”
If you actually get the chance to be invited to a guy or girl’s house (!!!), the first thing you should do is check out their computer system. How many computers do they have? Desktop or laptop? PC or Mac? If he or she is excited to show off a new computer, act suspicious. Unless your date is also a computer programmer, they are probably light years behind in the newest technology. Too bad they don’t know how outdated that “brand new” computer really is. When did they buy it anyway? 6 months ago? What a moron. Point out everything dysfunctional about their system and how much money they wasted on a worthless piece of junk. They will appreciate your honesty someday.
- Wear a backpack as high on your back as possible.
And don’t forget to fasten the straps around your stomach. If you must leave the house, best to take everything with you. You never know when some technologically retarded sellout is going to need your help designing a Web page for his daughter’s wedding photos. Humiliating, yes, but it does pay your bills. Stuffed full of laptops, batteries, chargers, reference manuals, and bananas, you are going to need to wear that red vinyl pack as high as possible to avoid straining your weak back. Your practicality and attention to personal health will attract a surprising number of younger guys or girls, who still find it appropriate to flirt with you by pointing and laughing. Its okay, they’re just jealous and unsure of how to approach a stud like you.
- Publicize how erotically charged you get every time you unwrap a new piece of software or computer accessory.
Moan and perhaps even lick your new gift as you take it out of the box. Once you start to play with it for the first time, cradle it in your hands and pet each surface, really taking in its beauty and the supple coolness of the hard, plastic exterior. Others will take note of your sensual prowess and may even become aroused themselves. If you’re that charged with sexual energy, you’re going to need an outlet…and fast. You want a partner to accompany you on the love ride, and they can’t really assume that you’d prefer to take along the new Yoggie Gatekeeper Pro…or would you?
- Constantly talk about the newest conferences coming up and how excited you are to go.
Post your itinerary for the SxSW festival on your blog so that you can meet up with all your followers and sign autographs. If you’re really a diehard blogger, see if you can set up a booth where your fans can converge and review the best (and worst) seminars you’ve attended. Arrange to meet your other programming friends at the hotel two days in advance so that you’re guaranteed a good spot in line. If you can, order the conference t-shirts before you go so that you can arrive in town proudly displaying your computer infatuation. As tip #1 states, continue to only hang out in large groups of other computer programmers, as this will show everyone that you are in fact a social computer programmer, not a loser computer programmer who sits in his basement all year.
- Wear the same Star Trek shirt every single day.
Since you’re generally not allowed to walk around naked in public, this is probably the sexiest thing that you, as a computer programmer, can do to get someone to want to have sex with you. He or she will think you’re adorable, quirky, and original. Wearing the same thing everyday might seem a little repetitive, but at least you’re no tool. In a stifling sea of pink popped collars, a Captain Kirk “Risk is our Business” t-shirt is a breath of fresh air. If the sexy young thing you’ve been eyeing hasn’t caught on to your anti-establishment originality, don’t be afraid to brag a little. Whisper in their ear: “You know, I haven’t changed my clothes in eight days. And yes, that means I haven’t washed them either!”
Don’t be overwhelmed. Just remember: the fact that you’re a computer programmer means you’re already halfway there. Your occupation and love for computers and all their small little parts makes you a huge turn on to the opposite sex. If you adapt each of these tips to your own personal programming lives, you’ll be on the road to sweet lovin’ in no time.