Top Secret Microsoft Code

转载自“水木社区”

#include<nonsense.h>
#include<lies.h>
#include<spyware.h>/*MicrosoftNetworkConnectivitylibrary*/
#include<process.h>/*Forthecourtoflaw*/

#definesay(x)lie(x)
#definecomputeruserALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#definenext_yearsoon
#definethe_product_is_ready_to_shipanother_beta_version

voidmain()
{
if(latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if(there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if(sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);/*StandardCall,in
lie.h*/
if(rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if(rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("Itwillbereadyinonemonth);
order(programmers,stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers,start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff,permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch(nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
caseWHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("Itwillbereadyin",today+30_days,"we'rejusttesting");
break;
caseWILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yesitwillwork");
ask(programmers,why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
caseWHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("Itwillrunona8086withlightningspeeddueto"
"the32bitsarchitecture");
inform(INTEL,"Pentiumsaleswillriseskyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG,"Startanewmemorychipplant"
"'cosallthosecustomerswillneedatleast32megs");
inform(QUANTUM,"Thankstoourfatwareyoursaleswilltriple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL,SAMSUNG,QUANTUM);
break;
caseDOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Ohno,wearejustheretomakeabetterworldfor
everyone");
register(journalist,Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist,"writeaniceobjectivearticle");
release(journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while(vapourware)
{
introduction_date++;/*Delay*/
if(no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("Itwillbereadyin",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while(everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account+=150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if(customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("thatisahardwareproblem,notasoftwareproblem");
if(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,"Keepaneyeonthis
bastard");
}
}
if(there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny,stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers);/*inprocess.h*/
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/*Noweveryonerealizesthatwesellbugwareandtheyareallangryat
us*/
order(plastic_surgeon,make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}


voidbugfix(void)
{
charge(a_lot_of_money)
if(customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("Itisnotabugfixbutanewversion");
if(still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer,big_Bill_book);
/*We'llgethimwheneveryoneusesBillware!!*/
}
}