每日英语：Relationship Repair: 10 Tips for Thinking Like a Therapist

Maybe you’re in a relationship trough – arguments and hassle or disconnection and silent parallel lives. Of maybe it's less major: your husband leaves his socks on the floor and it drives you nuts, or your wife doesn’t help you get the kids to bed.

 trough:水槽，水槽；低谷期；饲料槽；低气压　　　　hassle:找麻烦，搅扰；与…争辩；使…烦恼,困难，麻烦，激战，争论

disconnection：断开，分离，切断　　　　nuts：坚果，发热的，狂热的，胡说

Big or small you have a few options. You could try and sort this out on your own (you’ve probably already tried that); do nothing and see if it somehow gets better (probably not), or you could take the plunge and go see a professional – a couple therapist (a decidely better if somewhat scary idea). Where the therapist has a leg up over the other options is a couple of things. One is perspective – she is looking at your relationship from the outside, rather than in the emotionally stuck middle that you are undoubtedly in. Not only does this make it easier for her to be a voice of reason and reality, but she can also she the greater gestalt that up close you cannot. But the other big advantage is that she probably thinks about relationship problems and solutions a bit differently than you might.

take the plunge：冒险尝试，采取决定性步骤，孤注一掷　　　　therapist：临床医学家，治疗师，理疗师

undoubtedly：确实地，毋庸置疑地　　　　gestalt：完形，完全形态　　　　therapy：治疗，疗法

And that may be your 4th option – try thinking like her. While there are different styles and orientations to therapy here are 10 top tips for thinking like a relationship therapist:

1. Think patterns not people. When thinking about relationship problems it’s easy to think in terms of people, specifically who is right, who is wrong, who is screwed up, and who is really screwed up. This isn’t usually helpful and only leads to a blame game. Instead of people, think patterns. A does something, this triggers B, who in turn triggers A, then B. Some patterns are beneficial and help us stay sane and stable, others are neutral habit, but some are deadly and capable of body damage.

screwed up：振作起来了，搞砸了　　　　　　sane：健全的，理智的

The therapy mantra is that the pattern is more powerful than the people. (Try sitting in someone else's seat at dinner tonight and see what happens -- just make sure all the knives are out of sight). So rather than wasting your time worrying about who is right, use it to try and decode the dysfunctional pattern. Once you do, change it. A good way to do it is to talk about it (the pattern) rather than the people: "I notice that a lot of times that when if I ask if you could pick up your socks you say you will but then don't, and then I get annoyed and nag you and then you blow up. I'm wondering if we can do this differently." But even if you can't do that, for whatever reason, just try changing it and if you can let the other person know your intentions: "I'm doing this because I'm worried that ________." The beauty of patterns is that if you hold your ground the pattern has to change. You, all by yourself become the change agent of the relationship. Certainly a good and important start.

mantra：咒语，颂歌　　　　　　dysfunctional：不正常的，不良的，不和睦的　　　　　　nag：唠叨，使烦恼

blow up：爆炸，爆发，发脾气　　hold your ground：坚持你的立场

2. Think how not what. Therapists tend to divide communication into 2 parts: Content – the what – and process – the how. In an argument about Tuesday vs. Wednesday the facts you line up to make your case about Tuesday are content; the fact that you are both getting upset and arguing is the process.

The rule here is that process is always trumps content. When emotions heat up the problem in the room is the emotions, not whatever you are arguing about. Unfortunately when emotions kick in, we’re tempted to ramp up the content as a way of dealing with emotions – you want to get the other person to understand,damn it, and you’re likely tempted to fight to the death to make your point. Anything you say at this point is like throwing gasoline on a fire -- it's likely to be misheard, misinterpreted.

trump：胜过，王牌，喇叭，法宝　　　　kick in：踢开，支付，开始生效　　　　　fight to the death：生死决斗，决一死战

gasoline：汽油　　

Put out the fire by focusing directly on the process, the emotions and actions – we’re beginning to argue, I’m starting to feel angry. Fix the emotion -- your anger – by deep breathing and calming yourself down, by walking away. Do your best to stay out of the weeds of content; if you don't you'll wind up talking about Christmas '08 again, and you know where that leads.

wind up：结束，使紧张，卷起　　　　

But process too follows patterns. You and your partner each have your own ways of dealing with tension and conflict. Your overall way of handling stress and emotions – withdrawal, anger, passive accommodation – your modus operanti, so to speak -- invariably and consistently triggers the M.O. of the other person, which in turn fuels yours. Quickly you both get into a negative loop that becomes your combined standard way of dealing with conflict and tension -- anger / withdraw, withdraw / withdraw, anger / anger, etc. Your goal again is to break the pattern.

withdrawal：撤退，收回，提款，取消　　　　　　　passive accommodation：被动适应，被动补偿　　　

modus：方式，方法，程序，样式　　　　 invariably：总是，不变地，一定地　　consistently：一贯地，一致地，坚实地

The easiest way to do this is to try doing the opposite of your instincts – if you tend to withdraw, try stepping up and speaking up; if you get angry, calm down and listen; if you accommodate, figure out what you really want and say it rather than walking on eggshells. Again your behavioral-emotional change will encourage the other to do the same.

instinct：本能，直觉，天性，充满着的　　　　　speaking up：开口说话，勇于发言　　

accommodate：容纳，使适应，供应，调解　　　　walking on eggshells：如履薄冰

3. Think adult. This is another way of thinking about #2. Adult here means being responsible with your emotions – using them as information rather than spraying them around the room. It is about being responsible in action – not harming others or misbehaving. It is about being responsible for your problems – that is, you ultimately need to deal with and fix them rather than expecting others to do it for you. It is realizing that it isn't always about you; it is not taking everything so personally; it is understanding that the other guy may be struggling inside in his or her own way. It is about being reasonable. It is …well, acting like an adult.

Most of us are generally able to pull off being adult at work, or when we're in a good mood. Trouble happens when we're at home, when the mood is sour. It's then that we're apt to slip into feeling like a 10 year-old and get all sulky or angry or powerless. As soon you realize you're slipping into that 10 year-old feeling (and you know when you are), it's time to remind yourself that you, regardless of how you feel right now, are a grown up, and map out in your mind what a responsible adult may do. Sure, there’s an element of “faking it till you make it,” but by doing your best to adhere to an adult stance you can gradually train yourself (actually your brain) to feel empowered rather than frightened or small. It's a matter of catching and changing it; with practice the catch and change will become easier, more automatic.

pull off：赢得，脱下，努力实现　　　　　apt：恰当的，有...倾向的，灵敏的　　　　　sulky：生气的，沉闷的

powerless：无力的，无权的，力不从心的　　adhere：坚持；依附；粘着；追随　　　　stance：立场，姿态，位置

4. Think of problems as bad solutions. Whatever you see as a problem – the socks on the floor, the lack of sex, your partner’s anger – ask yourself how it may be a bad solution to some other problem underneath. You want to be curious about the driving impulse. You don’t have to have the answer but you need to raise the question: "Help me understand why you leave your socks on the floor;" "We haven’t made love in a long time – how come?" And because anger is often driven by worry and fear – ask “What are you worried about?” rather than “Why are you so pissed off?”. What is important that you sound calm when you ask the questions – like Mr. Rogers. If you sound angry or irritated, expect shut down or anger back.

pissed off：生气，不高兴，愤怒　　　irritated：恼怒的，生气的，激怒，使无效　

5. Think present not past. When you are struggling in a relationship, it’s easy for your mind to automatically scan through the past, collecting further evidence of injustices and mistreatment. It may give you fuel for futile arguments, but will do nothing to solve the problem and will only further drag you down.

mistreatment：虐待　　　futile：无用的；无效的；没有出息的；琐细的；不重要的　　drag down：向下拖，使感到沮丧或不适

Instead try to focus on the present. Push aside the temptation to go down that history road and zero in on the here and now – the current problem, your current worry, the present: What can you do now?

zero in：调整归零

6. Think behavior not emotion. Many of us falsely believe that we need to feel like it to do it, which means if we don’t feel like it, we won’t or can’t. But if you keep doing the same thing you will keep feeling the same way. Don't wait for your feelings to change, do something and then your feelings will eventually catch up.

Behavior is the key in creating change because, unlike emotions and often even thoughts, behavior is the one aspect of ourselves that we can truly control. Action gets you out of the emotional mud and is an excellent antidote to depression and feeling trapped. So give your partner a hug 5 times a day whether you feel like it or not and see if it doesn’t change the emotional climate in the house.

antidote：解毒剂；解药；矫正方法　　　　trapped：捕获的；陷入困境的；收集的；受到限制的

7. Think small, think success.The hug is actually a good place to start. Because change creates anxiety, both change and anxiety are best tolerated in smaller doses. Because the goal is the break patterns, to do it different, rather than doing it Right, you don’t need to think make-over or major campaign. Instead you simply want to step outside your comfort zone and take concrete steps, however small, that you can successfully do. So try the hug, and if that seems to tough, start with ramping up compliments or writing a note letting the other know how you have been feeling just to get things rolling.

concrete steps：具体步骤　　　　ramp up：斜升，增加，加强

And should even these small steps seem too overwhelming to take within the relationship, try building up your skills and confidence in easier environs. If, for example, you are trying to be more positive or more open or more assertive, road-test these behaviors with friends, strangers or coworkers where there are less emotional triggers to derail you. Once you get your sea legs there you can move on to the heavies like your partner or parents.

overwhelming：压倒性的，势不可挡的，压倒，淹没　　　　　environs：环绕，包围，周围　

8. Think support. You can make changes on your own but it is a lot easier with support. Obvious support are people in your corner – your friend who encourages you, your mother who calls up and asks how you’re doing, a therapist who coaches from the sidelines and keeps you on track. But it can also come from reading and learning more about relationship change, from the online support of others dealing with the same problems. Or even from within you. Take the time to notice not failure but success, not doing it right, but taking risks. Pat yourself on the back hard and often.

keeps you on track：使你保持正轨　　

9. Think you. In case you haven’t noticed, all these suggestions involve you, not the other guy. The stance that most couples enter counseling with is: "I have a problem with you and as soon as you change (or I or the therapist can get you to change), I’ll feel better." This doesn’t work. All you both wind up doing is fighting over who should change, creating a futile power struggle.

Skip the drama, the playing victim, the manipulation. Again be adult. Think about you, what you can do to fix the problem. Yes, do your best to let the other person know what you need and what he can concretely do to make things better, but then get to work. Have some tunnel vision, buckle down and do what you can to make the situation and problem better without keeping score, tallying up martyr points, without any expectations on the other. Again, since the focus is on changing patterns, if you do your part the best you can, things will begin to change.

manipulation：操纵，操作，处理，篡改　　　　tunnel vision：视野狭窄　　　　buckle down：倾全力，开始认真从事

tally up：总结，加一，结算　　　　　　martyr：牺牲，折磨，杀害

10. Think effort not outcome. There is that inspirational saying that you see in the hallways of businesses: Good decision come from experience and experience comes from making bad decisions. Mastering life and relationships is a long process of experimentation and elimination. Life isn’t Ready, Aim, Fire; it’s Ready, Fire, Aim. Try something – with mindfulness, clear intentions and a good heart -- see what happens, adjust and try again. That’s always the best you can do, and don't waste your time and energy with internal scolding or heavy-hearted regret. On any given day you're always doing the best you can.

inspirational：鼓舞人心的，带有灵感的　　　　elimination：消除，淘汰，除去　　　　mindfulness：留心，警觉，专注力

scolding：责骂，斥责　　　　

Hopefully these tips give you something to work with, that you will find something that can help you approach your relationship problems in a different way. You don't have to be Freud, you don't have to do it all at once; instead see which of these ideas catch your attention. Then pick a situation, a pattern, a problem, and map out a different approach, a concrete behavior that you can put into place. Start small. Focus on you. One change will lead to another.

map out：在地图上标出，筹划出，制定出　　　　　　put into place：付诸实践

You can’t make a mistake.