There are times that you got so angry at God, like yesterday when I drove by, the church, their place and my home, the overwhelming feelings of sadness, loneliness, and anger, hit me, again. I know this is not what Lee wants--she called me last Wednesday from the hospital, telling me that she trusts God is taking care of her,and asked me to pray for her. It was the first time that she asked, since I met her 8 years ago.
I knew she was uncertain, uncertain where her journey was heading, I wasn't a bit worried, she had always been so energetic and vivid. She smiles like a little girl, and that always reminds me how beautiful she IS, not was, I know she was Ms Ukraine, but she's much more than that, in my heart, she's Ms.InChrist.
She's been uncertain most of the times, like when she was first admitted to the ER, I asked why she didn't tell me when she fell, a month ago, she was like that little girl got caught again, she said, “I don’t know, probably because I felt stupid.” My daughter was like that, so uncertain of their beauty, their strength and their vulnerability.
8 years ago on Thanksgiving, after the service here, Lee invited us to their home for thanskgiving lunch--it turned out to be a 10 hours fining dining and talking about life-- that was our first invitation from a Canadian family, 2 months after landing on this country. According to Ken, he saw Lee brought 2 Asian girls in and was like, oh no, whom did she bring now? And Lee told him it was her new Chinese friends, a mom and daughter, and Ken asked, who's the mother?
That invitation from Lee and that question of Ken had determined our deepest friendships ever.
We have done so many things together, thanksgiving dinners, all my crazy parties, back to China trip, meeting with all my real families, her birthdays, anniversaries, and so many more. Every time we had some news, got a piano, a Guzheng, a puppy, a 2nd puppy, a third one, she and Ken were always our first call, they would just knock at our door in five minutes, with so many advices and ahhs and awws, were much more excited than all of us. I called them SOS when I found mouse poops under our sink, and they came immediately with all equipment, I felt embarrassed that a 80 years old couple was helping us to clean out the mouse sh*t. but , that's ok.
That's ok, that we felt embarrassed, that we felt uncertain, hurt, lost, anger, and grief.
Grief is just Love with No place to go.
Grief is healing,by knowing that she's home, and we will see her again.
And I believe at that time I would ask her the same question, Hey Lee, why didn't you tell me. that you were leaving?
I can imagine that she will smile like that shy little girl again, joyfully, “well” she might say, “because this time I knew, we would meet again.”
Happy Thanksgiving Lee, we love you ,Ciao for now, till we meet again.
