【留学申请课堂：文书关】留学申请文书PS写作剖析第1例-01

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本系列所有文章皆为100%原创，未经允许，严禁任何形式转载或盗用，违者必究。

很多小伙伴问我最终成功的文书到底长得啥样？

首先我个人反对并抵制留学文书100%代写，是对自身申请完全不负责任的行为。在牛津大学系招生办兼职2年有余，积累了一些识别优秀/劣质文书的能力，也深刻了解小秘筛选文书的原则。利用这点优势，今天用实例详细剖析一下一篇优秀的文书到底应该具备哪些因素，此篇为part1（为防止被机构/个人肆意盗用，不提供具体修改过程）：

首段原文：

As a person who has harbored the dream of going abroad since entering the university, I didn't have quite a clear mind of where I should go and why I must do this. I just wonder what the world outside looks like and will that kind of life be very different?

评价：

虽然没有太多语法错误，但全是baby language

使用疑问形式发问，是文书忌讳之一

完全看不出笔者的purpose和goal，是开头段忌讳之一

完全看不出笔者的motivation，是开头段忌讳之二

首段修改后：

Apart from the fancy energy self-sufficient world dipicted in science fictions, I hold the belief that building a novel energy-based society is achievable in the foreseeable future. In recent years, scientific breakthroughs have contributed to hydrogen fuel cell vehicles, solar powered mobile phones and direct thermal-to-electrical energy conversion systems, which were all beyond our imagination decades ago. Since fiction is metamorphosing into reality swiftly, with the hope that I could fully participate in this transformation, I initiated my journey into the exploration of energy materials at XX University. My long-term goal is to become an expert in energy field, especially energy harvesting, storage and conversion.

评价：

语言流畅，思路清晰，词汇适当，grammar error free

用实例引出自己的motivation,是首段必备要素之一

简洁但清晰陈述goal，是首段必备要素之二

主体部分（第二段）原文：

I take the view that one thing my parents have passed on to me is the faith that a person should focus his/her attention and passion on one thing to be outstanding at a profession. This explains the reason why I devoted myself wholly and thoroughly to studying every subject. And I am very proud to say that my perspirations were perfectly paid off for I got gratifying scores on these subjects. For instance, I got 96% on A, 91% on B, 87% on C, and also an 87% on D. What's more, I was the project host of D, which has now passed the national project approval, and is one of the only two national academic projects. I got very much inspired by the contents illustrated by the knowledgeable professors and lecturers in my studies, and yielded plenty of thoughts and ideas, so I wrote a number of dissertations toconvey them. Among which are the published ones such as E; F; G and H.

评价：

充斥大量语法错误，不恰当词汇和baby language，句型混乱

整段都在陈述经历和背景，重复CV中的内容，是文书忌讳之二

申请master/PH.D.将学习成绩作为自身能力的证明，是文书忌讳之三

将父母作为motivation和inspiration，非常不具说服力

主体部分（第二段）修改后：

My excellent performance in major courses won me the very first opportunity to be part of a province-level research project, which focused on A. Motivated by the possibilities of this undertaking, I fully immersed myself in. I spent literally the entire day conducting experiments via different testing apparatuses and running various preparation and characterization methods. The valuable research experience enlightened me that besides precision required in sample preparation and property characterization, the beauty of research lies in the mechanism revelation. I also had a first bite of novel energy storage field, especially A, which plays a critical role in the full implementation of B.

评价：

主体部分直接过渡到first academic experience，无trash内容

用solid evidence支撑interest/research experience/internship，是文书必备要素之首

用first academic experience中的inspiration作为motivation自然过渡到 next academic experience

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