One of the more puzzling aspects of the way we're built is that our emotional development does not necessarily or automatically keep pace with our physical growth.
我们情感成长过程中非常困惑的一件事情就是我们的情感发展并不一定，或者是并不会自动地与我们的身体发育保持同步
We can be fifty-five on the outside and four and a half in terms of our impulses and manner of communicating-just as we can be the threshold of adulthood physically while an emotional sage within.
我们外表可能已经55岁了，但是我们的冲动和交流的习惯却只有四岁半的水平。就像我们生理上才刚刚成年，但是内在的情感却像是圣人一样
In order to assess our own and other's emotional development,we can make use of a single deceptively simple question that quickly gets to the core of our underlying emotional 'age'.
为了评估我们自己和他人的情感发展，我们可以利用一个看似简单的问题来迅速触及我们潜在的情感年龄的核心
When someone on whom we depend emotionally lets us down,disappoints us or leaves us hanging and uncertain,what is our characteristic way of responding?
当我们在情感上依赖的人让我们失望或让我们陷入不确定感之中时，我们特有的反义方式是怎样的呢？
There are three methods which indicate emotionally immature behaviour(we might grade ourselves on a scale of 1-10 according to our propensities).
有三种暗示情感上不成熟的行为的方式（我们可以根据自己的行为倾向，从一到十进行打分）
Firstly:we might sulk.
首先：我们可能生闷气
That is,we simultaneously get very upset while refusing to explain to the person who has upset us what the problem might actually be.
也就是当我们拒绝向让我们失望的人解释到底出了什么问题的同时，我们也会非常沮丧
The insult to our pride and dignity feels too great.
这对我们的骄傲和自尊伤害太大了
We are too inernally fragile to reveal that we have been knocked.
我们的内心过于脆弱，以至于无法接受我们被打倒了的事实
We hope against hope that another person might simply magically understand what they have done and fix it without us needing to speak-rather as an infant who hasn't yet mastered language might have a hope a parent would spotaneously enter their minds and guess what was ailing them.
我们抱着一丝希望，希望另一个人可以非常轻易地、神奇般地理解他们所做的事情，并且在不需要我们解释的前提下修复它，就像一个还不会说话的婴儿，可能希望父母能够自然而然地理解他们的想法，猜出是什么令他们感到不适一样
Secondly:we might get furious.
二：我们可能会暴怒不已
Another response is to get extremely and disproportionately angry with the disappointing person.
我们对令人失望的人的另一个反义就是极度的愤怒
Our fury may look powerful,but no one who felt powerful would have any need for such titanic rage.
我们的愤怒看起来可能非常强烈，但是强大的人并不需要如此强烈的愤怒
Inside,we feel broken,at sea and bereft.
在内心深处，我们其实感到非常地茫然无助
But our only way of reasserting control is to mimic an aggrieved emperor or taunted tiger.
但是我们重新夺回控制权的唯一方式就是模仿愤愤不平的皇帝或者是被奚落的老虎
Our insults and viciousness are,in their coded ways,admissions of terror and defencelessness.
我们的辱骂和恶意都是对恐惧和无助的默认。
Our pain is profoudly poignant,our manner of dealing with is a good deal sadder
我们的痛苦尖锐而深刻，而我们处理方式更加可悲
Thirdly:we might go cold
三：我们可能会变得很冷漠
It takes a lot of courage to admit to someont who has hurt us that we care,that they have a power over us,that a key bit of our life is in their hands
承认伤害我们的人是我们在意的人，是对我们有影响的人，是掌握了我们部分生活的人，需要许多的勇气。
It may be a lot easier to put up a strenuous wall of indifference.
相比之下，竖起一堵冷漠的高墙可能会容易很多
At precisely the moment when we are most emotionally vulnerable to a loved one's behaviour,we insist that we haven't noticed a slight and wouldn't give a damn anyway.
正式在我们的情感最容易受到所爱之人影响的时候，我们才坚持自己什么也没有注意到，并且什么也不在乎
We may not simply be pretending:remaining in touch with our wounds may have become conclusively intolerable.
我们可能不只是假装如此：持续关注我们的伤口，可能会使其变得彻彻底底地无法忍受
Not feeling anything may have replaced the enormous threat of being fully alive.
不去感知任何事物，就可以解决生命中的巨大威胁
These three responses point us in turn to the three markers of emotional maturity.
这三种反应依次向我们指出了情感成熟的三种标志
Firstly,the capacity to Explain.
首先，是解释的能力
That is,the power-simple to describe but a proper accomplishment in practice-to explain why we are upset to the person who has upset us;to have faith that we can find the words,that we are not pathetic or wretched for suffering in a given way and that with a bit of luvk,we will find the words to make ourselves understood by someone whom we can remember,deep down,even at this moment of stress is not our enemy.
这种能力说起来简单，实践起来却不容易，也就是解释为什么会对令我们失望的人感到失望，相信我们可以找到一些不会因遭受的痛苦而悲哀或难受的话语。如果运气不错的话，我们会找到那些我们记忆深刻的人，能够理解我们说的话，即使在充满压力的时刻，他们也不是我们的敌人
Secondly,the Capacity to Stay Calm.
其次，保持冷静的能力
The mature person knows that robust self-assertion is always an option down the line.
成熟的人知道坚定的自信永远是一种选择
This gives them the confidence not to need to shout immediately,to give others the benefit of every doubt and not to assume the worst and then hit back with undue force
它给予了人们不必要立刻大喊大叫的自信，相信他人的自信，不做最坏的打算且不用过分的武力反击的自信
The mature like themselves enough not to suspect that everyone would have a good reason to mock and slander them
这些成熟的人就像他们表现的那样，不会怀疑每个人都有充分的理由嘲笑他们、诽谤他们
Thirdly,the Capacity to be Vulnerable
三，易受伤害的能力
The mature know and have made their peace with the idea,that being close to anyone will open them up to being hurt
成熟的人知道并且接受了与他们亲近会使自己受伤的事实
They feel enough inward strength to possess a tolerable relationship with their own weakness
他们觉得自己有足够的内在力量，可以容忍自己的弱点
They are unembarrassed enough by their emotional nakedness to tell even the person who has apparently humiliated them that they are in need of help
他们并不会因坦白自己的情感而尴尬，即使是向明显羞辱过他们的人求助
They trust-ultimately-that there is nothing wrong with their tears and that they have the right to find someone who will know how to bear them.
最终他们相信自己的眼泪并没有错，相信自己有寻找知道如何容忍他们的人的权利
In turn,these three traits belong to what we can call three cardinal virtures of emotional maturity:Communication,Trust and Vulnerability.
这三个特点又属于我们称之为情感成熟的三要素，也就是交流、信任和脆弱性
These three virtues were either gifted to us during a warm and nourishing childhood or else we will need to learn them arduously as adults
我们要么在温暖且滋养的童年就获得了这三个要素，要么就需要在成年后努力学习它们
This is akin to the difference between growing up speaking a foreign language,and having to learn it over many months as an adult.
这个区别类似于在说外语的环境中长大，和成年后学习这门外语数月之间的区别
However,the comparison at least gives us an impression of the scale of the challeng ahead of us.
然而，这个比较至少让我们了解即将面临的挑战的规模
There is nothing to be ashamed of about our possible present ignorance
对于我们目前可能的无知，没有什么好羞耻的
We may just never have heard adults aroud us speaking an emotionally mature dialect.
我们可能从未听过身边的成年人说情感上成熟的语言
So we may despite our age need to go right back to school and spend 5 to 10,000 hours learning,with great patience and faith,the beautiful and complex grammar of the language of emotional adulthood.
所以，无论年龄大小，我们可能都需要回到学校，怀着极大的耐心和信心，花上五到一万小时去学习成年情感语言中优美且复制的语法