A Dad's Experiment: Raising an Only Child

50年前我还是个孩子时，身为独生子女是件耻辱的事。上世纪60年代初期，绝大多数孩子都有至少一个兄弟姐妹（或者更多），与父母一起生活，其中一方通常都是全职妈妈。据传独生子女都很自私孤独适应能力差。（有句俗话说：“独生子女都是孤独的孩子。”）作者的儿子在跟表兄妹们玩耍情况已经发生了变化。在我们现在所处的世界，单亲家庭的独生子女早已是司空见惯的事，也为人们普遍接受。而且孩子们的成长也很可能是在托儿所度过，而不是跟有血缘关系的亲人一起。不过，我还是担心自己唯一的儿子可能会错过一些东西。正如我们以前讨论过的，对于许多家庭来说，决定“只生一个好”还是多生几个孩子总是艰难的抉择。（当然，对于一些夫妇来说，只生一个孩子并非出于选择，而是出于意外。）当父母的必须衡量自己的情况──财务状况事业照顾孩子的问题精力状况生育方面的问题怀孕时的种种不便以及产后的经历──还有孩子的社会发展。我有四个兄弟姐妹，因此观察和模仿他们极大地影响了我的社会发展。现在我当了爹又离了婚，每个周末可以照顾四岁大的儿子。儿子出生后不久我就离婚了，因此目前还没有再生孩子的希望。虽然社会准则发生了变化，但我还是很担心儿子作为独生子的社会经历。（不过也有好的一面：至少他永远不用跟兄弟姐妹竞争了。）我试图通过朋友学校和大家庭来对他加以弥补。我会提前跟有孩子的要好同事约好一起玩。我儿子还进了一所蒙特梭利(Montessori)学校，那里的教学理念让孩子们组成小团体，年龄相差最多三岁。除了老师的指引，孩子们还会得到小伙伴的指导，这些小伙伴可以说每周有五天发挥了兄弟姐妹的功能。同时我还试图让家人帮忙，因为大家庭里的亲戚可以代为发挥兄弟姐妹的作用。不幸的是，我儿子所有的亲戚都住在数千英里之外。但偶尔与他们相聚时，他还是很高兴能有机会跟新“朋友”一起玩。（事实上，第一次跟他们在一起时，他跟那帮表兄弟玩得太投入了，连晚餐都没吃。）读者们，你们现在的家庭和从小长大的家庭分别有多少人呢？兄弟姐妹在你生活中是否扮演了重要的角色？如果你只有一个孩子，那是你特意为之还是意外？你有没有注意到独生子女和你所认识的有兄弟姐妹的孩子有什么不同之处？Kurt Novak(“工作•家” 讲述人们忙碌于工作和家庭之间时，做出的选择和折衷。)相关阅读美国养育孩子成本高昂 2009-08-13带孩子出差合适吗？ 2009-08-10在白宫养育子女 2008-12-26“高投入高回报”型儿童 2009-08-03应该让孩子使用信用卡吗？ 2009-07-31


When I was a young kid, a half-century ago, being an only child carried a stigma. In the early sixties, the vast majority of all children had at least one sibling (if not more) and lived with both parents, one of whom was typically a stay-at-home mom. The only child was rumored to be selfish, lonely and maladjusted. ('An only child is a lonely child,' the expression goes.)Things have changed. We now live in a world where only children with single parents are both commonplace and accepted. And children are likely to spend much of their formative years with artificial family units at daycare, rather than with blood relatives. Still, I worry whether my own son, who is an only child, might be missing out on something.As we've discussed before, deciding whether to have 'one and be done' or to have multiple children is a tough decision for many families. (Of course, for some parents, having just one child is not by choice, but by chance.) Parents must weigh their own situations─finances, careers, child care, energy levels, fertility troubles, difficult pregnancies or post-partum experiences─as well as their child's social development.I grew up with four siblings, so my own social development was greatly influenced by observation and imitation of them. Now I'm a divorced dad with weekend custody of my four-year old son. My ex-wife and I separated soon after he was born, so there are no other children on the horizon. Regardless of the change in social norms, I still am concerned about my son's social experiences as an only child. (There is an unintended upside: At least he will never have to deal with sibling rivalry.)I've tried to compensate through friends, school and extended family. I've been proactive about setting up play-dates with friends from work who have toddlers. My son also attends a Montessori school, where the philosophy dictates that children are grouped together in clusters of kids up to three years apart. Kids are mentored by their near-peers, who function almost like siblings five days a week, in addition to instruction by their teachers.And I've tried to turn to family, since extended relatives can perform the function of surrogate brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, all of my son's relatives live thousands of miles away. But on the few occasions when he has been able to meet up with them, he was delighted with the opportunity to play with his new 'friends'. (In fact, upon first meeting them, he was so caught up playing with his cousins that he skipped dinner.)Readers, how large is your family now and the family you grew up with? Did siblings play an important part in your life? If you have an only child, was this by choice or chance? Have you noticed any differences between the only children and the kids with siblings that you know?Kurt Novak