Twitter上那些令人啼笑皆非的育儿段子
这一周都在和医学相关的严肃话题斗争着，周末决定让我们自己和大家都放松一下，翻译一些美国家长在Twitter上发的育儿段子。
无论是在任何一个国家，和小朋友一起斗智斗勇并成长都不是一件容易的事情，让我们看看美国父母的生活是如何悲喜交加的。
My kids can find a virtual Pikachu 5 doors down, but they can’t see their real shoes sitting in the middle of the walkway.
我的孩子能发现藏在5层楼下的Pokemon Go虚拟皮卡丘，却看不见他们的鞋子就在走廊的中间。
—Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad)
Just got home after a three day trip with my kids. I can’t wait for them to fall asleep so my vacation can start.
刚结束与孩子们的3天旅行回家，真希望他们能赶快睡着，这样我的假期就终于可以开始了。
—Lunarbaboon (@Lunarbaboon)
Yes, I did just let my 3yo cheat during a game of Chutes & Ladders. Because I don’t have four hours to play a game of Chutes & Ladders.
没错，我故意放任三岁孩子在蛇棋游戏里犯规来取胜。因为我实在不想花4个小时来玩蛇棋了（编者注：同感！蛇棋是一款极其恐怖毫无尽头的消磨时间的游戏！哭...）。
—Julie (@NextLifeNOKids)
In the future kids will come with Smart Child Technology, including automatic volume control, surroundings sensor & controllable sleep mode.
在未来，孩子们出生时会自带一种智能儿童新科技，它包括自动儿童音量控制，环境感知系统，以及可控的睡觉模式。
—Big World, Small Meh (@TheAlexNevil)
Parenthood is filling your kids day with activities that will make them tired only they wind up with more energy & you wind up passed out.
做父母就是整天寻找安排各种能把孩子累坏的活动，只不过一天结束后他们马上复活满血、充满了能量和精力，而你却被玩晕了。
—Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy)
Friend: “Your baby looks so much like you.”
Me: [food all over my face]
朋友说：“你孩子吃饭和你太像了。”
我：满脸粘着饭，默默的抬起头来。
— The ParentNormal(@ParentNormal)
“Daddy, I had a nightmare that you were cooking.”
“That’s cold, kiddo...”
“Actually you burned something.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“爸爸，我刚刚做了一个噩梦，你居然下厨给我做了一顿饭。”
“这笑话太冷了，宝贝”。
“一点儿也不冷，因为你点着了火烧掉了一些东西！”
“宝贝，我的冷不是那个意思。”
— Doyin Richards(@daddydoinwork)
Apparently the most comfortable seat in the house is me...
很明显，家里最舒服的椅子就是……我……
—MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh)
4yo:“Daddy, would you like one of my blueberries?”
Me:“Thank you for sharing! It’s so good!”
4yo:“BAHAHAHAHA... I LICKED IT FIRST!!”
Oh.
4岁宝宝：“爸爸，你想不想吃点蓝莓”？
“感谢你的分享，太好吃了！”
“爸爸，哈哈哈哈哈，我刚刚先把蓝莓舔了一遍”。
啊......
—ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry)
Me: Most people in the world are good, but there are some bad people out there, too
6: You mean like people who sell broccoli?
Me:Exactly
我：“世界上大部分都是好人，但是也有一些坏人。”
6岁宝贝：“你指的是那些卖西兰花的人吗？”
我：“额…对呀。”
—Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom)
When my 8YO came running to the car after camp drop off, figured she’d reconsidered her ‘no hugs’ stance.
“Mom!I forgot to flush at home.”
把我8岁的孩子送到夏利营，正要走的时候发现他向我跑过来，我猜是他想起来之前没有给我一个告别拥抱。
“妈妈，我忘了冲马桶拉！
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps)
4yo:You’re a good dad.
Me:Thanks.
4yo:You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me:Okay.
4yo:Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
4岁宝宝：“你是个好爸爸。”
我：“好，谢谢。”
4岁宝宝：“如果你一直说’好的’，你在我心中就越来越好。”
我：“好的”。
4岁宝宝：“我可以吃冰淇淋吗？想想我刚刚说过的话。”
—Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad)
I’ve worn the same thing to work every day this week: spit up on my shirt.
我这周每天都在穿同样东西去上班——孩子撒在衬衣上的汤。
— The ParentNormal(@ParentNormal)
7:I’m not gonna say what we got you for Father’s Day but it’s tickets to a baseball game.
M:You just told me
7:No I said I’m not gonna say
7岁孩子：我不会告诉你，我在父亲节给你准备了一张棒球票的。
我：你刚刚已经说出来了。
7岁孩子：不不，我说了我不会说出来的。
— I Was A Fool For Meh(@TheAlexNevil)
4-Mom I literally just made the biggest mess. You have GOT to come see it. You’re gonna be so mad.
Me-Um. No thanks. *drinks wine*
4岁宝宝：妈妈，我刚真的把房间弄得一团糟了呢，你一定要赶快过来看，你肯定会特别生气的！
我：嗯，宝贝我还是不看了。（我要去找点红酒喝）
— Court (@Discourt)
Before kids I thought all the stories about mothers hiding in the bathroom, eating chocolate were an urban legend. Now I am one.
没有孩子之前，我认为，那些妈妈躲在浴室里吃巧克力的故事是只是一个都市传说，而现在我就是传说之一了…
— Jennifer Lizza(@outsmartedmommy)
I’ve learned that the quickest way to humble yourself is to challenge a 5-year-old to a memory card game.
羞辱自己智商最快的方法就是，和5岁的孩子玩记忆卡游戏。
—Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork)
Whenever I want two hours by myself, I hand my toddler a pair of socks and ask her to put them on.
每当我想要2个小时的独处休息时间，我就甩给我家一岁的宝宝一双袜子，叫他自己穿上。
— Ponies and Martinis(@PonyMartini)
Best vacation destinations according to my 4-year-old:
3)McDonald’s play place
2)car wash
1)sidewalk where she saw a dog that one time
对4岁孩子来说，最棒的假期旅游景点排名前三是：
第三名：麦当劳的小朋友区
第二名：给汽车洗车
第一名：散步时看见一只小狗
— Exploding Unicorn(@XplodingUnicorn)
你家的育儿中有什么令你啼笑皆非的有趣段子，也欢迎留言跟我们分享！
祝大家周末快乐，更多关注儿童教育的原创文章，可以发关键字“教育”到我们的微信公众号“一小时爸爸”来看。
资料来源：
huffingtonpost.com/
twitter.com