小伙伴们大家好，欢迎来到本期的“国外也有段子手”！上周的欧冠赛场精彩看点层出不穷，曼联主场不敌巴萨，热刺战胜曼城，利物浦轻取波尔图，尤文与阿贾克斯战平，阿森纳则在欧联杯中战胜那不勒斯。周末联赛，利物浦战胜切尔西继续领跑，曼城、曼联纷纷取胜，而巴萨、尤文等队则接连丢分。好了，话不多说，让我们快来看看歪果仁们的精彩吐槽吧！
萨拉赫马内进球，利物浦2-0切尔西
sarcastr0naut(利物浦球迷)：比赛里这么多润滑剂的广告，为啥我们还是插不进去啊？(So many ads for lubricants, and yet we're still struggling with penetration.)
ShunningResumed(布里斯托球迷)：起码把你们滑倒了吧…(Might cause a slip though.)
kaj1981(未知主队球迷)：伊瓜因就像是在穿着牛仔裤跑步一样…(Higuain runs like he's wearing jeans.)
GlumElderberry(切尔西球迷)：我那只截了肢乌龟都比伊瓜因跑得快！(My amputated turtle would outpace Higuain, fucking hell.)
Viktorenox(未知主队球迷)：萨拉赫绝对是最不合格的昙花一现！(Worst one season wonder ever.)
ArizonaBong(罗达JC球迷)：这就是你们说的炸弹，一发入魂炸进你们的球门啦！(There's your fucking bomb! Bombed it right into the top corner.)
(注：之前有部分极端切尔西球迷讽刺萨拉赫为“炸弹袭击者”)
斯特林梅开，曼城3-1 水晶宫
Clashoftherats(利物浦球迷)：如果德布劳内整个赛季都没伤病，曼城联赛恐怕又能得100分了！(If De Bruyne was fit the whole season, City would’ve probably finished on 100 again.)
SwitzerlandNotInEU(未知主队球迷)：唉，可怜的曼城，这个赛季也就只能得98分了...(Poor City will have to finish on 98 instead :(
Kolarovmcfc(曼城球迷)：看得我裤子都湿了…(My pants are wet.)
TortoiseT(比利时球迷)：当传球比进球更值得打一发飞机时，你就知道那肯定是丁丁的助攻！(You know it's a KdB assist when wank more over the assist than the actual goal.)
Guevarra25(未知主队球迷)：我坚信德布劳内眼里的世界都是慢动作！(Im convinced De Bruyne sees things in slow motion.)
Whatisthescen(阿森纳球迷)：哈哈，瓜瓜和阿尔特塔的侧入式是我最新喜欢的庆祝动作！(Haha Pep spooning Arteta is my new favourite celebration.)
卢克-肖乌龙，曼联0-1巴塞罗那
LosTerminators(巴萨球迷)：我们在欧冠客场还是进不了球，还好你们红魔球员给帮忙进了一个…(And we can't score outside Camp Nou in CL, so your player did the job for us.)
FatherOop(纽约城球迷)：巴萨这看起来像是在给周末踢韦斯卡留力啊！(Barcelona frankly looked like they were conserving energy for Huesca.)
Twersx(曼联球迷)：我们的表现其实不错，说实话，我魔能坚持到1/4决赛已经超过了我的预期，被淘汰也问心无愧了！(Good game. tbh quarterfinal is already beyond my expectation, we can smile even if being knocked out.)
Cerxa(未知主队球迷)：卢克-肖：倘若我问心有愧呢？(Except Shaw.)
C罗进球，尤文图斯1-1阿贾克斯
NoTheShitposter(波尔图球迷)：踢欧冠的时候有C罗，这简直就是在作弊！(Having Ronaldo for your team in the CL is like cheating at this point.)
Demonationz(斯旺西球迷)：就算你再设法不睡觉，C罗还是能出现在你的噩梦里！(You may keep awakebut Ronaldo is still in your nightmares after.)
WaxFaster(尤文球迷)：尼玛，阿贾克斯这传球就像是玩FIFA的传奇模式一样！(Ajax passing is like playing FIFA on legend mode holy shit.)
popoley4221998(热刺球迷)：我愿意将我左边的蛋蛋捐出去，来换取阿贾克斯进入四强…(I would've given my left nut for Ajax to get to the semis.)
tehMadher(阿贾克斯球迷)：我们掌控比赛太久了，看来C罗的进球马上就要来了…(We're dominating so much that I feel another Ronaldo goal is coming soon.)
afcaMouz(阿贾克斯球迷)：就像我们踢皇马那场一样，射10次才能换来1个进球，而C罗只需要1次尝试就进球了…(Just like against Real Madrid we score 1 goal for every 10 attempts, whereas Ronaldo only needs 1 attempt.)
孙兴慜进球，热刺1-0曼城
sto_248(利物浦球迷)：孙纳尔多！(SONALDO!)
Kresbot(英格兰球迷)：齐达内已经去找孙兴慜的地址了！(Zidane wants to know his location.)
Tklfillerz(曼联球迷)：作为正在服兵役的韩国人，我只想说...孙兴慜被免兵役真的是谢天谢地了…(As a guy currently serving in the korean army I can say... thank God Son got exempted.)
OhShitItsSeth(热刺球迷)：说真的，如果孙兴慜真的去参加统一朝韩的战争会怎样呢？(Seriously. What if he was to unite the North and South?)
Ilholtstilin(热刺球迷)：请认真告诉我，难道你不想跟着孙兴慜一起上前线吗？(Tell me with a straight face you wouldn't follow this guy into battle.)
SiriPickLips(美国球迷)：不想。(No.)
凯塔菲米进球，利物浦2-0波尔图
Axelthegreat(马竞球迷)：2-0的比分是最危险的领先了，看来利物浦铁定被淘汰出局！(2-0 is the most dangerous lead. Liverpool look to be going out.)
Ze4npis(AC米兰球迷)：其实3个才是最危险的。(No, 3-0 is the most dangerous.)
Anymotora(巴黎球迷)：哦？(ahhh?)
Jyoung59(阿森纳球迷)：几个月都不进球，而这一周内就进了俩，凯塔这是被解除封印了？(Two goals in the span of a week, after not scoring in a several months, Keita unlocked.)
Blodyck(本菲卡球迷)：利物浦球迷对卡西利亚斯的礼遇，比皇马球迷还要多…(The moment when Liverpool fans appreciate Casillas more than Real Madrid fans.)
拉姆塞进球，阿森纳2-0那不勒斯
BigFaxxx(未知主队球迷)：你厂这主场踢得像巴萨，客场立马就变成伯恩利了。(Barca at home, Burnley away from home.)
Munkysnuflz(奥斯丁球迷)：这是伯恩利被黑得最惨的一次...(Too harsh on Burnley.)
BCastle18(皇马球迷)：如果阿森纳的客场成绩能跟主场踢得一样，那绝对就是世界最佳球队了！(If Arsenal played away games like they did home games they'd be the best team in the world lmao.)
Robozomb(阿森纳球迷)：我们能不能给酋长球场装上轮子，然后每次客场都把它带过去？(Can we just put wheels on the Emirates and just bring it with us wherever we play?)
小基恩进球，尤文1-2斯帕尔
DankestOfFranks(未知主队球迷)：小基恩进球就像我拉翔一样容易，每天都得来个一两次！(This kid scores goals like I take shits. Once a day and sometimes twice.)
Goldaniga(尤文球迷)：来啊，小基恩老爹拖拉机的钱我出了！(Cum on I’ll pay for his father’s tractors.)
(注：小基恩的父亲曾表示尤文欠他两台拖拉机)
好了，亲爱的小伙伴们，本期的“国外也有段子手”就为大家播报到这了，让我们拭目以待，来看下期歪果仁们更加精彩的犀利吐槽吧!（本文来源于懂球帝，部分内容有所删除，如侵权请联系删除）