考拉永远OK

吕文新：我是一只考拉。最近，网上有人议论说，我们考拉吃的唯一食物––桉树叶，属于易燃易爆剧毒危险品，长期食用会导致脑萎缩，也就是脑残。呸，那是他们不能吃葡萄就说葡萄酸。桉树叶能祛百病，比鸿毛药酒还有效，自古以来就是我们强身健体的灵丹妙药。且听我说：

我出生时仅有五克两眼一抹黑，
是妈妈把桉树汁灌进了我的胃。
吃饱喝足我就在妈妈的袋里睡，
我虽是早产儿但我成长得很OK。

一年后袋里容不下我的胳膊腿，
我勾住妈妈的肩膀搭上她的背。
我和妈妈一起玩一起吃一起睡，
一起打鼾卖萌的俩考拉全都OK。

长大后我告别了妈妈头也不回，
“一树不容二考拉”说的非常对。
我习惯了自己玩自己吃自己睡，
孤独时我会高声长叫唱卡拉OK。

叫声里饱含了我的勇敢与妩媚，
隔壁树上异性的合声令我陶醉。
快去快回不能耽误我的吃和睡，
一生中有一刻钟的温存足够OK。

牙磨光后我再不能把树叶咬碎，
我尽力爬向高枝不怕摇摇欲坠，
不要拉我也不要救我任我去睡，
在美梦中摔死总是比饿死更OK。

我爬过的桉树沾染了我的气味，
我体内饱含桉树油谁吃谁倒霉。
灵魂出窍的我在我的树下安睡，
一辈子缺觉的考拉从此永远OK。

---

附：

1. 关于考拉的英文链接：

http://reyroace.tumblr.com/post/174335173109/reyroace-humandisastersquad-kickin-jeans

2. 英文节选：

TIL(一) that due to their small brains koalas are unable to perform complex, unfamiliar tasks such as eat leaves off of flat surfaces.

how are they even alive.

eucalyptus trees are full of flammable oil that causes the trees to explode during forest fires, killing other trees and spreading its seeds to grow in their place. koalas survive solely because nothing else in their environment Wants To Eat The Fucking Bombs.

god dont get me fuckin started, the NUMBER of times ive Gone Off abt(二) koalas in zooarch class, on a scale of koalas to wombats how good is ur marsupial at Being Alive? hey u know what else? koalas are so picky with their diet that theyll only eat the leaves of one (1) type of eucalypt and even then ONLY specimens of that tree that are within a very tight geographic range of where the koala was born. the rescue centre in my city? they have to ship branches from all over the state bc koalas there physically Will Not Eat anything thats not from their very very small very precise home range. theyd rather starve to death than try leaves from like the next suburb over. i have 60 other reasons why koalas spit in the face of natural selection hmu(三) if you want YELLING i cant be bothered to list them all here. god theyre so incomprehensibly dumb. god. HEY ALSO the reason their brains are so small is bc YEah the one SINGLE species of tree they eat is incredibly toxic. their diet consists of 1 food and it is Brain-Shrinking Poison.

oh u like that? try this one: the main natural cause of death in koalas is starvation, because 1) their dumbass teeth are SHIT. to be a herbivore and chomp cellulose all day u need some real tough grinders in there,  and almost every other herbivore in nature has SOME sort of dental adaptation to make sure they dont run out of tooth by the time they hit middle age. horses have big tall teeth, wombat teeth grow forever, kangaroos have got a little conveyor belt system goin on, etc everyone’s doin SOMETHING except fuckign koalas. idiots have tiny fuckin shortass normal teeth that do an okay job for maybe like 15 years and then wear down and leave them with ridiculous fuckin useless old man gums that do shit all. but thats fine bc all koalas do anyway is sit in trees and sleep 22hrs a day then wake up and scream and eat poison and they do this all day every day until they run out of teeth at which point they just fall out of the tree and die. 2) idiots can’t die any other fuckin way bc nothing in nature wants to eat them bc their bodies are chocker block with LITERAL poison. fuckin USELESS their flesh just sits around and slowly rots bc its too gross-tasting and toxic for any animal w half a brain cell to think abt going near it. have yall(四) ever seen koala viscera. bc i have and let me tell u that shit is RANK. looks like the inside of a smoker’s lung from some fuckdamn nicabate ad bc the tannins in eucalypt leaves stain their organs like khaki black. like a natural defense mechanism meant to warn u that koalas should in no way be alive and if u touch them theyll drag u into their stupid evolutionary dead-end where they get to sit around all day doin fuck all and pumpin themselves full of brain-killing poison while we run around makin them our olympic games mascots and pretending theyre cute and honest to god looking for ways to save them from the brink of extinction which actually is unnecessary bc a) theyre not really endangered at all, nature is a fuckign miracle and b) the drongos clearly want to die so i say let em.

3. 注释：

(一) T.I.L. ：Today I Learned

(二) abt ：About

(三) hmu ：Hit me up，means contact me

(四) yall ：You all

4. 简译（原文多是粗口，故不做逐字翻译）：

考拉是澳大利亚独有的一种树袋熊的音译，意为“不喝水”。考拉仅以某种桉树叶为食。由于桉树叶缺乏营养，考拉每天需睡眠22小时以节省能量。清醒时间则全部用来咀嚼树叶。成年考拉每年仅用十几分钟社交寻偶，求偶时发出类似杀猪一般的嚎叫。桉树富含杀虫剂，所以没有其它任何生物与考拉争食，也没有其它任何生物以考拉为食，再加上考拉每天吃的都是药，本应健康长寿。但是，咀嚼大量的桉树叶对考拉的牙齿磨损较大，而考拉的牙齿既不耐磨也不会再生，往往在考拉中年时就已经磨秃，所以自然环境下的考拉都不是老死的，而是因无法进食导至饿昏后跌到地上摔死。考拉的尸体不会被其它生物清理，需多年后才能自然风化。

考拉出生时仅有一厘米长，需要在育儿袋里靠母体未消化完的桉树叶汁继续发育，长大后便认准那种桉树为唯一正品，宁可饿死也不碰其它品牌的桉树。即使是同一品牌，产地不同，也非正宗，坚决不能接受。考拉吃独食，在自己生活的树上到处留下气味，死后气味长久不消，令其它考拉无法再食用该树。再加上人类活动的影响，桉树林越来越小，考拉可选择进食的桉树也越来越少。

5. 怀旧老歌：

谭咏麟-卡拉永远OK（TVB原版MV）

两代考拉一起卖萌（图片取自网络）

吕文新
2018年6月23日于新西兰奥克兰