旧诗新译:徐志摩的名诗《再别康桥》译作

旧诗新译:徐志摩的名诗《再别康桥》译作_第1张图片

《再别康桥》是徐志摩(1897.1.15-1931.11.19)的名诗,其英文版本众多,译者有华人也有西人。也有东北话的搞笑版。好比太极拳一样,派别众多。下文第2)部分抄录了其中一个版本。

的确,诗歌本来见仁见智,随者时光的流逝,不同的读者读起来自有不同的理解和触动。今不揣冒昧,作了自己的翻译,以推动社会主义文艺创作的百家争鸣,百花齐放的新局面!

旧诗新译:徐志摩的名诗《再别康桥》译作_第2张图片

1)《再别康桥》

作者:徐志摩   

Bidding Farewell to Cambridge Again

- By Xu Zhimo, translated by Sam Gao


① Very quietly I turn away,

轻轻的我走了

② As quietly as I came.

正如我轻轻的来

③ Quietly I wave my good-bye,

我轻轻的招手

④ To the flaming clouds in the western sky.

作别西天的云彩

⑤ The gilded willows by the riverside,

那河畔的金柳

⑥ Is my bride bathing in the twilight.

是夕阳中的新娘

⑦ Her dainty reflections on the shimmering waves,

波光里的艳影

Forever flap in my chest from side to side.

在我的心头荡漾

⑧ The weeds that cling to the soft sludge,

软泥上的青荇

⑨ Sway leisurely,

油油的在水底招摇

Beneath the gentle waves of Cambridge.

在康河的柔波里

⑩ May I be that weed!

我甘心做一条水草

⑪ That pool under the shades of elm trees,

那榆荫下的一潭

⑫ Holds not a fountain but the rainbow from the sky,

不是清泉,是天上虹

⑬ Shattered asunder among the algae,

揉碎在浮藻间

⑭ Yet holding onto a rainbow-like dream.

沉淀着彩虹似的梦

⑮ To seek my dream,

寻梦

⑯ I’ll pole a boat upstream,

撑一支长篙

⑰ To where the grass is more lush and green.

向青草更青处漫溯

⑱ Loading the boat with starlight,

满载一船星辉

⑲ I’ll break into a song in the starry night.

在星辉斑斓里放歌

⑳ Yet I fear I cannot sing out loud,

但我不能放歌

21 Because quietness is my tune of farewell.

悄悄是别离的笙箫

22 Even summer insects hush and hold their breath.

夏虫也为我沉默

23 Reticence reigns over Cambridge tonight.

沉默是今晚的康桥

24 Very quietly I turn away,

悄悄的我走了

As quietly as I came.

正如我悄悄的来

25 Gently I wave my sleeves,

我挥一挥衣袖

26 Not a petal of cloud shall I take away.

不带走一片云彩

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旧诗新译:徐志摩的名诗《再别康桥》译作_第3张图片

2)附流传百年的原英文译文:

《再别康桥》

作者:徐志摩   

Saying Good-bye to Cambridge Again

- By Xu Zhimo

Very quietly I take my leave

轻轻的我走了

As quietly as I came here

正如我轻轻的来

Quietly I wave good-bye

我轻轻的招手

To the rosy clouds in the western sky

作别西天的云彩

The golden willows by the riverside

那河畔的金柳

Are young brides in the setting sun

是夕阳中的新娘

Their reflections on the shimmering waves

波光里的艳影

Always linger in the depth of my heart

在我的心头荡漾

The floating heart growing in the sludge

软泥上的青荇

Sways leisurely under the water

油油的在水底招摇

In the gentle waves of Cambridge

在康河的柔波里

I would be a water plant

我甘心做一条水草

That pool under the shade of elm trees

那榆荫下的一潭

Holds not water but the rainbow from the sky

不是清泉,是天上虹

Shattered to pieces among the duck weeds

揉碎在浮藻间

Is the sediment of a rainbow-like dream

沉淀着彩虹似的梦

To seek a dream

寻梦

Just to pole a boat upstream

撑一支长篙

To where the green grass is more verdant

向青草更青处漫溯

Or to have the boat fully loaded with starlight

满载一船星辉

And sing aloud in the splendor of starlight

在星辉斑斓里放歌

But I cannot sing aloud

但我不能放歌

Quietness is my farewell music

悄悄是别离的笙箫

Even summer insects keep silence for me

夏虫也为我沉默

Silent is Cambridge tonight

沉默是今晚的康桥

Very quietly I take my leave

悄悄的我走了

As quietly as I came here

正如我悄悄的来

Gently I flick my sleeves

我挥一挥衣袖

Not even a wisp of cloud will I bring away

不带走一片云彩

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旧诗新译:徐志摩的名诗《再别康桥》译作_第4张图片

3)现译者对2)的评议:

1 came here中的here实在是多余。Came 就足够了。原诗此处拖泥带水。

2求爱不成,心情应该不再是罗曼蒂克的,而是壮烈的或悲壮的,因此云彩不可能是rosy clouds,而应该是fiery clouds或flaming clouds。

3徐志摩时代,应该已是monogamy时代,不可能心里想着一个以上的新娘。所以应是 my bride,而不是 brides。也不可能是his bride。

7我不明白为什么青荇被翻译成“飘荡的心”(“The floating heart growing in the sludge”)。

9湖很大,不可能是一个树的shade.

10-11原译者没有正确理解中文的意思。现译(10)应该轻读,而下一句(11)要重读。

11-12原译的“Shattered to pieces among the duck weeds 揉碎在浮藻间 Is the sediment of a rainbow-like dream 沉淀着彩虹似的梦”逻辑上有问题,没有理解原文。沉淀者,则在水底也,怎么可能浮在水面上,散落在浮藻间呢?“揉碎在浮藻间”是描述“彩虹”,但“沉淀着彩虹似的梦”是接着“That pool under the shades of elm trees

那榆荫下的一潭 Is not a fountain of water but the rainbow from the sky”说的。

14草都是绿色的,尤其是夏天,所以就删掉green了。

13-15 to莫名其妙,删掉。

15-16原译两次重复 starlight,现译此次更改为更加简洁短小的词句。

15 Or to have the boat fully loaded with starlight.  fully loaded读起来太拗口,用词太多。这是诗歌,不是散文!

21 Even summer insects keep silence for me。Keep silent此处改为hush,更为传神。

24 flick是快速小幅度的挥动,如摁下一个按键那样的轻巧快速的动作。此处所以换成心境开阔时作者采用的更大幅度的“缓缓一挥”- Wave。

旧诗新译:徐志摩的名诗《再别康桥》译作_第5张图片

***现译者特别声明:欢迎讨论、批评!欢迎扔鸡蛋!

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