写作练习：翻译《玩具屋九讲》第二讲

第二讲如何写形、色、味

原文：

Its two solid little chimneys, glued on to the roof, were painted red and white, and the door, gleaming with yellow varnish, was like a little slab of toffee. Four windows, real windows, were divided into panes by a broad streak of green. There was actually a tiny porch, too, painted yellow, with big lumps of congealed paint hanging along the edge.

But perfect, perfect little house! Who could possibly mind the smell ? It was part of the joy, part of the newness.

“Open it quickly, someone!”

The hook at the side was stuck fast. Pat pried it open with his penknife, and the while house-front swung back, and——there you were, gazing at one and the same moment into the drawing-rooom and dining-room, the kitchen and two bedrooms. That is the way for a house to open! Why don’t all houses open like that ? How many more exciting than peering through the slit of a door into a meal little hall with a hatstand and two umbrellas! That is—isn’t？--what you long to know about a house when you put your hand on the knocker.

作者翻译

粘在屋顶上的两个实心烟筒，漆着红白两色；闪亮黄漆的小门，像一块厚厚的太子妃糖。有四扇窗户，真正的窗子，用绿色粗线画成窗格子。而且还真有一个小门亭呢，也是被漆成黄色，边缘还悬垂着一滴一滴的油漆。

多么完美的一间小房子啊！谁还会在乎那股油漆味呢？那也成了喜悦、崭新感觉的一部分了。

“来人啊！赶紧打开它！”

玩具屋旁边的钩子卡得紧紧的，派特用削铅笔刀把它打开。房子的整个前壁就被掀开了。看哪！你一眼就能看到客厅、餐厅、厨房和两件卧室。房门就应该那样地开才是！为何不让所有的房子都以这种方式打开？比起从门缝地望见摆着衣帽架和两把雨伞的小门厅，这有趣太多了，当你伸手叩响门环时，这不是你渴望看到的房子里的一切吗？

我的翻译

玩具屋屋顶上粘了两个硬的小烟囱，烟囱红白相间。（描述主题，如何避免主题总是出现？）玩具屋的门闪烁着亮黄色，像极了一块脱脂糖。四个可开合的窗户，绿色的宽条纹分成了将其分成了小小的窗格。它里面还有一个细长的走廊，走廊面涂有黄色漆，沿着走廊边缘已有凝固的漆块。

但是，这间小屋和其完美！漆味难闻又怎样？它是新奇，是快乐的一部分！

来人，快打开它！

糟糕的是，门边的钩子卡住了。派特用削笔刀撬开了它，一瞬间，屋内画室、餐厅、厨房、两张床，一览无余。这才是正确的打开方式！所有的屋子都应以这种方式打开。比起通过门缝瞥见一个有立式衣帽架和两把雨伞的小屋，这样子有趣多了！难道不是吗？手握门把手的瞬间，你渴望看到什么呢？

自评

逻辑：为什么烟囱形状是实心立方体？为何油漆是亮黄色？四扇窗户分布是怎样的？……诸多问题，书中一一有解。

文采：最后一段多出用“你”。情感指数高。

故事：“边缘还悬垂着一滴一滴的油漆。多么完美的一间小房子啊！谁还会在乎那股油漆味呢？那也成了喜悦、崭新感觉的一部分了。”此处为最小故事。