真福加爾各答的德肋撒-维基百科
真福加爾各答的德蕾莎（拉丁语：Teresia de Calcutta，英语：Teresa of Calcutta，1910年8月27日－1997年9月5日），著名天主教慈善工作家，主要替印度加爾各答的窮人服務，於1979年被授予諾貝爾和平獎。2003年10月，罗马天主教教宗若望·保禄二世把她列入天主教宣福名單。德蕾莎修女也有「加爾各答的天使」的美譽，世人多認為她非常懂得爱别人。
《时代周刊》《泰晤士报》等媒体报道，特蕾莎修女死后，她的很多信件都被公开。人们才知道，原来这个大家心目中完美的圣徒原来经历着这么多的内心痛苦与灵里的黑暗。
本文部分截取“时代周刊”和“译言网”原文和译文，中英文原题为“Mother Teresa's Crisis of Faith”《特蕾莎的信仰危机》
On Dec. 11, 1979, Mother Teresa, the "Saint of theGutters," went to Oslo. the former Agnes Bojaxhiu received that ultimateworldly accolade, the Nobel Peace Prize. "It is not enough for us tosay, 'I love God, but I do not love my neighbor,'" she said, since indying on the Cross, God had "[made] himself the hungry one — the naked one— the homeless one." Jesus' hunger, she said, is what "you and I mustfind" and alleviate. Finally, she suggested that the upcomingChristmas holiday should remind the world "that radiating joy isreal" because Christ is everywhere — "Christ in our hearts, Christ inthe poor we meet, Christ in the smile we give and in the smile that wereceive."
1979年12月11日，“贫民区的圣徒”特蕾莎修女来到奥斯陆。这个俗名艾格妮斯·博杰舒(Agnes Bojaxhi)的女子接受了尘世最高的荣誉——诺贝尔和平奖。她说，“如果我们说：‘我爱上帝，但是我不爱我的邻居。’这是远远不够的。”“通过十字架之死，上帝自己降卑成为一个饥饿的人，一个衣不蔽体的人，一个无家可归的人”。她说，“耶稣的饥渴，是你我必须要寻求且予以帮助的。”最后，她建议即将到来的圣诞节应该给世界一个提醒，“那举世欢腾是真实的”，因为基督无处不在，“基督存在于我们的心中，他就在我们所遇到的穷苦人中间。基督是我们送给他人的微笑和他人带给我们的微笑。”
Yet less than three months earlier, she wrote with wearyfamiliarity of a different Christ, an absent one. "She assured Van derPeet. "[But] as for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great, that Ilook and do not see, — Listen and do not hear — the tongue moves [in prayer]but does not speak ... I want you to pray for me — that I let Him have [a] freehand."
但是在不到三个月之前，她带着一种倦怠了的熟悉感描写了不同的基督，一个缺席了的基督。她确信地对Vander
Peet说。“但是对我而言，陈默和空虚是如此沉重，以至于我有眼而看不见，有耳却听不见。我的舌头在祈祷时颤动，却无法说话……我希望你能为我代祷——让神得以实现祂的意志。”
The two statements, 11 weeks apart, are extravagantly dissonant.
这两种不同的表述之间相隔11个星期，而差别是如此之大。
And in fact, that appears to be the case. A new, innocuouslytitled book,Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light, consisting primarily ofcorrespondence between Teresa and her confessors and superiors over a period of66 years, provides the spiritual counterpoint to a life known mostly throughits works. The letters, many of them preserved against her wishes (she hadrequested that they be destroyed but was overruled by her church), reveal thatfor the last nearly half-century of her life she felt no presence of Godwhatsoever.
然而事实似乎如此。一本新出版的，书名平淡无奇的书：《特蕾莎修女—为我照亮》(Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light）主要收录了特蕾莎修女和她的忏悔神甫以及上司之间66年间的书信往来，展现了由于慈善事业为人所熟知的特蕾莎修女2、不同的精神比照。其中大多数特蕾莎修女并不希望保存下来（她曾经要求销毁，但是被教廷驳回）。这些信件披露了在最后近半个世纪的生命中，她从未感受到上帝的存在。
That absence seems to have started at almost precisely the timeshe began tending the poor and dyin in Calcutta. She compares the experience tohell and at one point says it has driven her to doubt the existence of heavenand even of God. She is acutely aware of the discrepancy between her innerstate and her public demeanor. "The smile," she writes, is "amask" or "a cloak that covers everything." Similarly, shewonders whether she is engaged in verbal deception. "I spoke as if my veryheart was in love with God — tender, personal love,"she remarks to anadviser. "If you were [there], you would have said, 'Whathypocrisy.'"
上帝的缺失看起来在她为加尔各答穷人和临终者服务时就开始了。除了1959年有连续五个星期的中断，这种感觉从未消退。尽管在公众面前，她总是和颜悦色，但往来信件中的特蕾莎修女生活在一种极度、长期的精神痛苦状态中。在四十多封信件（这些信件大多数从未公布）中，她为自己正在承受的“冷漠”、“黑暗”、“孤独”、“折磨”而悲叹。她把这种体验比成地狱，一度曾让她怀疑天堂甚至上帝的存在。她很敏锐地意识到自己内心状态和公众行为之间的不同。“我的微笑”，她写道，只是“一个面具”或者“掩盖了一切的外罩。”同样地，她怀疑她陷入了一种言语的欺骗，“我说起话来好象我的心热爱着上帝，充满温柔和个人的爱。”她对她的一位精神顾问说，“如果你知道我的内心，你会说，‘真是虚伪’。”
The book is hardly the work of some antireligious investigativereporter who Dumpster-dived for Teresa's correspondence. Kolodiejchuk, a seniorMissionaries of Charity member, is her postulator, responsible for petitioningfor her sainthood and collecting the supporting materials. (Thus far she hasbeen beatified; the next step is canonization.) The letters in the book weregathered as part of that process.
这本书并不是某个反宗教调查人士企图在特蕾莎修女的信件中搜寻证据的作品。Kolodiejchuk是仁爱会的高级神甫，是她的支持者，负责为她的封圣收集材料。（目前特蕾莎修女已经被宣福，下一步就是封圣。）此书的信件也是这一过程的部分材料。
Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child ofyour Love — and now become as the most hated one — the one — You have thrownaway as unwanted —unloved. I call, I cling, I want — and there is no One toanswer — no One on Whom I can cling — no, No One. — Alone ... Where is my Faith— even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness — MyGod — how painful is this unknown pain — I have no Faith — I dare not utter thewords & thoughts that crowd in my heart — & make me suffer untoldagony. So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them —because of the blasphemy — If there be God — please forgive me — When I try toraise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness that thosevery thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. — I am told Godloves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is sogreat that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrenderingblindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?
— addressed to Jesus, at the suggestion of a confessor, undated
“主啊，我的上帝。我是谁呢？你竟抛弃我。我是你爱的孩子，现在却成了你最厌恶的那一个—你把我抛弃了，你不要我了，你不爱我了。我呼求，我紧紧抱着不放，我需要你！但是没有人回答我，我没有什么可以靠着抓住……没有……我是完全孤独的一个人……我的信仰究竟何在？甚至在我心灵的深处也什么都没有，只有空虚和黑暗。我的上帝，这种陌生的痛楚是多么的痛！我失去了信心，我不敢说出我内心里的所思所想，这让我忍受着无法言说的痛苦。
我的心里有太多没有答案的问题，而我不敢去想它们，因为一想它们就是一种亵渎。如果有上帝—请原谅我—当我试图思考天堂的时候，我感到的只有如此真实的空虚，而这些想法如同刀子一样落回到我的心里，深深伤害我的灵魂。人们告诉我上帝爱我，但是我灵里的黑暗与冷漠和空虚是如此的巨大以至于什么都触摸不了我的灵魂。我是不是犯了盲目跟从呼召的错误呢？”
对耶稣说的话，一次告解，无日期记录。
At the suggestion of a confessor, she wrote the agonized pleathat begins this section, in which she explored the theologicalworst-possible-case implications of her dilemma. That letter and another onefrom 1959 ("What do I labour for? If there be no God — there can be nosoul — if there is no Soul then Jesus — You also are not true") are theonly two that sound any note of doubt of God's existence.
经过一位告解神父的劝说，她写下了这部分开始的时候的那些痛苦的呼求，以期望能够找到她目前的窘境中最糟糕的一个解释。那一封信和1959年的另一封信（“我到底在为谁劳苦？如果没有上帝，也就不会有灵魂。如果没有灵魂，那么耶稣，你也不是真实的。”）
Psychologists have long recognized that people of a certainpersonality type are conflicted about their high achievement and find ways topunish themselves. Gottlieb notes that Teresa's ambitions for her ministry weretremendous. Both he and Kolodiejchuk are fascinated by her statement, "Iwant to love Jesus as he has never been loved before." Remarks the priest:"That's a kind of daring thing to say." Yet her letters are full ofinner conflict about her accomplishments. Rather than simply giving all creditto God, Gottlieb observes, she agonizes incessantly that "any takingcredit for her accomplishments — if only internally — is sinful" andhence, perhaps, requires a price to be paid.
心理学家们很早就发现，有一些性格的人们对于他们所取得的成绩感到非常痛苦，并且总要找方法惩罚自己。高特利博认为特蕾莎在她的服侍工作上是非常有野心的。他和Kolodiejchuk都很欣赏她曾说过的一句话：“我要以前无古人的爱来爱耶稣。（I want to love Jesus as he has never been loved before.）”一位牧师说：“可以说她的这种说法是相当大胆的。”而她的信里对她所取得的成就却感到异常痛苦。高特利博发现，她不是简单地将一切荣耀归于上帝，而是不断地为“哪怕是内在地，为自己的成绩感到骄傲而充满了负罪感”。因此，也许正是这样，她要付上罪的代价。
There are two responses to trauma: to hold onto it in all itsvividness and remain its captive, or without necessarily "conquering"it, to gradually integrate it into the day-by-day. After more than a decade ofopen-wound agony, Teresa seems to have begun regaining her spiritualequilibrium with the help of a particularly perceptive adviser. The Rev. JosephNeuner, whom she met in the late 1950 and confided in somewhat later, wasalready a well-known theologian, and when she turned to him with her"darkness," he seems to have told her the three things she needed tohear: that there was no human remedy for it (that is, she should not feelresponsible for affecting it); that feeling Jesus is not the only proof of hisbeing there, and her very craving for God was a "sure sign" of his"hidden presence" in her life; and that the absence was in fact partof the "spiritual side" of her work for Jesus.
对于伤痛，人们有两种解决办法：一种是一直和它过意不去并且被它奴役，另一种是不必要非得“战胜”它，而是逐渐地与它融合。经过十多年的痛苦，特蕾莎修女似乎在一个相当有洞见的顾问的帮助下重新建立了她属灵的平衡。约瑟夫·纽努尔主教和特蕾莎修女相识于五十年代后期，那时候纽努尔主教已经是一个颇有名望的神学家了。特蕾莎修女转而向他倾诉了自己内心的“黑暗”。他给她讲了三件她有必要知道的事情：首先，她的这个问题在属世的范畴里是找不到答案的（因此她也没必要为此感到自责）；其次，感觉到耶稣并不是祂存在的唯一证据，她对上帝的渴求已经是祂“隐蔽地存在”的确据；最后，祂的缺席其实是她为耶稣属灵服侍的一部分。
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