4 Identifying and expressing Feelings
Rollo May: the mature person becomes able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances, strong and passionate experiences, or delicate and sensitive ones as in the different passages of music in a symphony.
The Heavy Cost of Unexpressed Feelings
We are trained to be “other-directed” rather than to be in contact with ourselves. We learn to be “up in our head,” wondering, “What is it that others think is right for me to say and do?”
(The school learning process is splitting our feeling and brain, not as a natural people)
Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts
Feelings versus Non-Feelings
Distinguish feelings from thoughts.
Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are.
In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are.Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.
Words like ignored express how we interpret others, rather than how we feel.
abandoned
abused
attacked
(The thoughts is that we explain other’s action)
Building a Vocabulary for Feelings
Summary
The second component necessary for expressing ourselves is feelings. By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.
4 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings
People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.
—Epictetus
- Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options
We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our needs and expectations in that moment. With this third component, we are led to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.
(Our feelings is a mirror that show how we choose to receive what others say and do.)
When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally our nonverbally, we have fore options:
Blame ourselves
Blame others
Sense our feelings and needs
Sense others’ feelings and needs
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others.
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
(Heart connection is the basic requirement before the saying.)
The Needs at the Roots of Feelings:
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
When we express our needs indirectly using evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.The Pain of Expressing Our Needs versus the Pain of Not Expressing Our Needs
In a world where we’re often judged harshly for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening.
- From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation
First stage: Emotional slavery. We see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings. In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.
Second stage: The obnoxious stage. We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings. In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry.
Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions. At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others. At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled. NVC is designed to support us in relating at this level.
Summary
The third component of NVC is the acknowledgment of the needs behind our feelings. What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings. When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message.
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values. When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
In a world where we are often harshly judged for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be very frightening, especially for women who are socialized to ignore their own needs while caring for others.
In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages: (1) “emotional slavery”—believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, (2) “the obnoxious stage”—in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and (3) “emotional liberation”—in which
we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.
4 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life
- Using Positive Action Language
In addition to using positive language, we also want to word our requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake and to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing.
We all know how opinions vary as to what constitutes “help”: some members of my family, when asked to help with the dishes, think “help” means supervision.
(The request is coming from you heart or your brain? ? ? )
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
we often use vague and abstract language to indicate how we want other people to feel or be without naming a concrete action they could take to reach that state.
Making Requests Consciously
in other instances, we may express our discomfort and incorrectly assume that the listener has understood the underlying request.
We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.Asking for a Reflection
As we know, the message we send is not always the message that’s received. We generally rely on verbal cues to determine whether our message has been understood to our satisfaction. If, however, we’re uncertain that it has been received as intended, we need to be able to clearly request a response that tells us how the message was heard so as to be able to correct any misunderstanding.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.
Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.Requesting Honesty
After we’ve openly expressed ourselves and received the understanding we want, we’re often eager to know the other person’s reaction to what we’ve said.
After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know
(1) what the listener is feeling;
(2) what the listener is thinking;
(3) whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.Making Requests of a Group
In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.
Conversations often drag on and on, fulfilling no one’s needs, because it is unclear whether the initiator of the conversation has gotten what she or he wanted.Requests versus Demands
Our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip.
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.Defining Our Objective When Making Requests
Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands.
If I clearly understand
you intend no demand,
I’ll usually respond when you call.
But if you come across
like a high and mighty boss,
you’ll feel like you ran into a wall.
And when you remind me
so piously
about all those things you’ve done for me,
you’d better get ready:
Here comes another bout!
Then you can shout,
you can spit,
moan, groan, and throw a fit;
I still won’t take the garbage out.
Now even if you should change your style,
It’s going to take me a little while
before I can forgive and forget.
Because it seems to me that you
didn’t see me as human too
until all your standards were met.
—“Song from Brett” by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Summary
The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.
Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it. Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard. Especially when we are expressing ourselves in a group, we need to be clear about the nature of the response we are wanting. Otherwise we may be initiating unproductive conversations that waste considerable group time. Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly. The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.