Section 4 - Part 2 -～～1| Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings

【赏析者】Melaine Geng

IV. It’s also not helpful when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels.
Example:
TEENAGER: (grumbling) Steve kept me waiting on the street corner for half an hour, and then he made up some story that I know isn’t true.
MOTHER: That is inexcusable! How could he do such a thing to you? He’s inconsiderate and irresponsible. You must feel like never seeing him again.

【段落大意】

四、如果父母的回应过于强烈，超过了孩子的感受，也是无益的。

例子：

未成年人：（在发牢骚）Steve 让我在街角等他足足有半个小时，然后他编了一些我根本不相信的假话。

妈妈：那简直不可原谅！他怎么可以对你做这样的事情？他这个人算不得什么，而且不负责任。你一定觉得如果从来没有看见他该多好。

It probably never occurred to the teenager to react so violently to his friend or to consider so drastic a retaliation. All he probably needed from his mother was an understanding grunt and a shake of the head to convey sympathy for his irritation at his friend’s behavior. He didn’t need the additional burden of having to cope with her strong emotions.

【段落大意】

几乎不会发生一个未成年人对朋友反应如此强烈，或者想要极端地报复。或许他所想要从他妈妈那里得到的，只是一个理解他的“嗯”和一个摇头，传达对他因由朋友的不当行为而愤怒这件事的同情。

V. Children don’t appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their parents.
When a child tells you he’s dumb or ugly or fat, it’s not helpful to reply with “Oh, so you think you’re dumb,” or “You really feel you’re ugly.” Let’s not cooperate with him when he calls himself names. We can accept his pain without repeating the name.

【段落大意】

五、孩子们并不喜欢父母去重复那些他们自己给自己贴的标签。

当孩子告诉你他自己很愚蠢、很丑或者很胖，如果你回答“哦，所以你认为你很愚蠢”或者“你确实觉得你自己很丑”，是无益的。当他给自己贴标签的时候，不要顺着他来。我们可以不用重复这样的标签去接纳他的痛苦。

Example:
CHILD: The teacher said we’re only supposed to spend fifteen minutes a night on our math. It took me a whole hour to finish. I must be dumb.
PARENT: It can be discouraging when work takes longer than you expect.
Example:
CHILD: I look terrible when I smile. All you can see are my braces. I’m ugly.
PARENT: You really don’t like the way you look in those things. And it probably doesn’t help to know that to me you’re a pleasing sight—with or without your braces.

【段落大意】

例子：

孩子：老师说我们每天晚上在数学上应该只需要花费15分钟。而我却花了整整一个小时才完成。我肯定很笨。

家长：花费的时间比你预计得长，让你感到很泄气。

例子：

孩子：当我笑的时候我看起来很可怕。你所能看到的都是我的牙套。我太丑了。

家长：你还不太习惯看自己带牙套的样子。有件事对你来说可能帮助不大，但是我想让你知道，对我来说你还是令我喜欢的样子——不管有没有带牙套。

We hope our “cautions” haven’t scared you off. It’s probably obvious to you by now that dealing with feelings is an art, not a science. Yet we have faith (based upon years of observation) that parents, after some trial and error, can master the art. You’ll sense after a while what is helpful to your individual child and what isn’t.  With practice you’ll soon discover what irritates and what comforts, what creates distance and what invites intimacy, what wounds and what heals. There is no substitute for your own sensitivity.

【段落大意】

我们希望我们的“注意事项”没有把你吓倒。到目前可能给你最明显的感觉是处理感受是一门艺术，而不是一门技术。我们还是有信心（基于多年的观察），让家长在一些尝试和犯错之后，能够驾驭这门艺术。一段时间后你将会感受到这对于你自己的孩子是有帮助的，还是没有帮助的。通过练习你将很快发觉什么会令人恼怒，什么会令人感到舒服；什么会增加距离，什么会拉进亲密；什么是伤害，什么是疗愈。你自己感觉出来的东西是无法被替代的。

【单词/词组/句型】

① With practice you’ll soon discover what irritates and what comforts, what creates distance and what invites intimacy, what wounds and what heals.

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