-*-
5
阿黛尔给大家分配了座位：我坐在尼诺旁边，在塔兰塔诺对面，她坐在塔兰塔诺旁边，尼诺对面。我们点了餐，这时候，我们的话题转到了那个戴眼镜的男人身上，他是一位意大利文学教授——我现在明白了——他长期给《晚邮报》撰稿，他是天主教民主党的人。无论是阿黛尔还是她的朋友，他们现在都彻底放开了，不像在书店里那样克制自己，他们畅所欲言。他们说了那个人的很多坏话，然后大力赞扬了尼诺，说他做得好，就是应该挤兑那个老头。尤其让他们觉得愉快的是那老头离开大厅时，尼诺对他说的话，那是他们都听到，但我没听到的话。他们每个字都记得，尼诺笑着说他不记得了。但后来那些话被复述出来了，也可能是当场改编的，大概是这么说的：您呢？为了捍卫权威，还有权威的言论，您甚至可以把民主搁置到一边。从那时候起，只有他们三个人在说话，谈得非常热闹。他们说到了间谍、希腊问题、秘密审判和酷刑、越南问题，还有意大利、欧洲甚至是全世界的学生运动的不成熟性，还提到艾罗塔教授在《桥报》上面发表的一篇文章，那篇文章谈论的是大学里的教学和研究条件。尼诺说，他认同艾罗塔教授说的每个字。
Adele assigned us places: I was next to
Nino and opposite Tarratano, she next to Tarratano and opposite Nino. We
ordered, and meanwhile the conversation had shifted to the man with the thick
glasses, a professor of Italian literature—I learned—a Christian Democrat,
and a regular contributor to the Corriere della Sera. Adele and her friend
now lost all restraint. Outside of the bookstore ritual, they couldn’t say
enough bad things about the man, and they congratulated Nino for the way he
had confronted and routed him. They especially enjoyed recalling what Nino
had said as the man was leaving the room, remarks they had heard and I
hadn’t. They asked him what his exact words were, and Nino retreated, saying
that he didn’t remember. But then the words emerged, maybe reinvented for the
occasion, something like: In order to safeguard authority in all of its
manifestations, you suspend democracy. And from there the three of them took
off, talking, with increasing ardor, about the secret services, about Greece,
about torture in the Greek prisons, about Vietnam, about the unexpected
uprising of the student movement not only in Italy but in Europe and the
world, about an article in Il Ponte by Professor Airota—which Nino said that
he agreed with, word for word—about the conditions of research and teaching
in the universities.
“我会告诉我女儿马丽娅罗莎，说您喜欢那篇文章，”阿黛尔说，“她觉得那篇文章写得很糟糕。”
“I’ll tell my daughter that you liked
it,” Adele said. “Mariarosa thought it was terrible.”
“马丽娅罗莎只热衷于这个世界不能给予她的东西。”
“Mariarosa gets passionate only about
what the world can’t give.”
“说得太对了，她就是这样。”
“Very good, that really is what she’s
like.”
我一点儿也不了解我未来公公的那篇文章，这让我很不自在，我在一旁默默地听着。在这之前，我先是要应付考试，然后是毕业论文，最后是那本匆忙出版的书，这些让我投入了大部分时间。对于这个世界在发生的事情，我只是了解了表面，我基本没有关注过学生运动、游行、冲突、受伤的人、被捕的人，还有流血事件。我已经离开大学了，关于大学里的情况，我只能通过彼得罗的抱怨得以了解，他在信中是这样描述学生运动的：“比萨发生的蠢事儿”。结果是，周围发生了很多事情，和我共餐的这些人对这些事都非常了解，尤其是尼诺，而我却不是很清楚。我坐在他旁边，听他说话，我们胳膊碰着胳膊，虽然只是隔着衣服的接触，但仍然让我很激动。他还是保留了对数字的热爱，他列举出了学校里注册的学生人数——简直太多了，还有学校校舍的真实容量，以及那些“权贵”的工作时间，那些人不是致力于教书、做研究，而是坐在议会里，要么给管理机构当顾问，要么是给私人企业当顾问。阿黛尔在那里听着，她的朋友也听着，时不时会插句话，他们提到一些我从来没听说过的人名。我感觉自己被排除在外。庆祝我的书出版，已经不是他们考虑的事儿了，我未来的婆婆似乎已经忘记了她提到的惊喜。我小声说，我离开一下，阿黛尔漫不经心地做了一个手势，尼诺还是热情洋溢地在说话。塔兰塔诺应该觉察到我有些烦了，他很小声地激励我说：
I knew nothing of that article by my
future father-*-law. The subject made me uneasy, and I listened in silence.
First my exams, then my thesis, then the book and its rapid publication had
absorbed much of my time. I was informed about world events only superficially,
and I had picked up almost nothing about students, demonstrations, clashes,
the wounded, arrests, blood. Since I was now outside the university, all I
really knew about that chaos was Pietro’s grumblings, his complaints about
what he called literally “the Pisan nonsense.” As a result I felt around me a
scene with confusing features: features that, however, my companions seemed
able to decipher with great precision, Nino even more than the others. I sat
beside him, I listened, I touched his arm with mine, a contact merely of
fabrics which nevertheless agitated me. He had kept his fondness for figures:
he was giving a list of numbers, of students enrolled in the university, a
crowd by now, and of the capacity of the buildings; of the hours the tenured
professors actually worked, and how many of them, rather than doing research
and teaching, sat in parliament or on administrative committees or devoted
themselves to lucrative consulting jobs and private practice. Adele agreed,
and so did her friend; occasionally they interrupted, mentioning people I had
never heard of. I felt excluded. The celebration for my book was no longer at
the top of their thoughts, my mother-*-law seemed to have forgotten even the
surprise she had announced for me. I said that I had to get up for a moment;
Adele nodded absently, Nino continued to speak passionately. Tarratano must
have thought that I was getting bored and said kindly, almost in a whisper:
“那您赶紧回来，我想知道您的看法。”
“Hurry back, I’d like to hear your
opinion.”
“我没有什么看法。”我带着一个苍白的微笑说。
“I don’t have opinions,” I said with a
half smile.
这次他微笑了，说：“作家总能想出来一个。”
He smiled in turn: “A writer always
invents one.”
“也许，我不是作家。”
“Maybe I’m not a writer.”
“是的，您是作家。”
“Yes, you are.”
我去了洗手间。尼诺总是有能力向我展示，他一张嘴，就会显现出我的落伍。我应该接着学习了，我想，我怎么能这么放任自流呢？当然，假如我愿意的话，我也能带着一点儿热情，不懂装懂地迎合一下。我不能这样继续下去，我学了太多不重要的东西，而那些关键的知识，我却没掌握。我和弗朗科的故事结束之后，我逐渐失去了他传递给我的，对于世界的好奇心。和彼得罗订婚，对我也没有什么帮助，对他不感兴趣的东西，我也失去了兴趣。彼得罗和他父亲、母亲还有姐姐是多么不同啊！尤其是，他和尼诺是多么不同啊！也许对于他来说，我的小说都不应该写出来，他几乎是很不耐烦地接受了这本书，就好像它背叛了学术世界。哦，可能是我太夸张了，这都是我的错。我是一个很局限的女孩，我只能专注于一件事情，从而忽略其他事情，现在我要改变现状。在这场令人厌烦的晚饭之后，我会开始改变自己，我会把尼诺拉走，强迫他整个晚上都和我散步，我会问他，我应该看什么书，看什么电影，听什么音乐。我会拉着他的胳膊说：“我很冷……”这不完整的句子是含糊的暗示，我会隐藏自己的焦虑。我想，这可能是我们唯一的机会，明天我会离开，再也见不到他。
I went to the bathroom. Nino had always
had the capacity, as soon as he opened his mouth, to demonstrate to me my
backwardness. I have to start studying, I thought, how could I let myself go
like this? Of course, if I want I can fake some expertise and some
enthusiasm. But I can’t go on like that, I’ve learned too many things that
don’t count and very few that do. At the end of my affair with Franco, I had
lost the little curiosity about the world that he had instilled in me. And my
engagement to Pietro hadn’t helped, what didn’t interest him lost interest
for me. How different Pietro is from his father, his sister, his mother. And
how different he is from Nino. If it had been up to him, I wouldn’t ever have
written my novel. He was almost irritated by it, as an infraction of the
academic rules. Or maybe I’m exaggerating, it’s just my problem. I’m so
limited, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time, excluding everything
else. But now I’ll change. Right after this boring dinner I’ll drag Nino with
me, I’ll make him walk all night, I’ll ask him what books I should read, what
films I should see, what music I should listen to. And I’ll take him by the
arm, I’ll say: I’m cold. Confused intentions, incomplete proposals. I hid
from myself the anxiety I felt, I said to myself only: It might be the only
chance we have, tomorrow I’m leaving, I won’t see him again.
这时候，我带着怒火看着镜中的自己：满脸疲惫，下巴上有很多小痘，眼圈发青，这预示着我的月经快要来了。我又矮又丑，胸太大。我从开始就应该明白，他从来都没有喜欢过我，他选择了莉拉，而不是我，这并非偶然。但结果呢？她在性方面有问题，尼诺是这么说的。我当时真不应该改变话题，我应该展示出我的好奇，让他继续说下去。下次假如他再提起这事儿，我应该更开明一点，我会对他说：“我想问一下，一个女孩子性方面有问题是什么表现？”我会解释说，假如有必要的话，我会纠正自己，不知道这是不是可以纠正。我带着一丝恶心，想到了我和他父亲在玛隆蒂海滩上发生的事情，也想到了我和弗朗科在比萨大学宿舍的小床上的性爱。在那些时候，我是不是也做了一些错误的举动，他们也觉察到了，但他们没有告诉我？假如那天晚上我和尼诺上床，我还是会犯一样的错误。他也会想，我跟莉拉一样也有问题。他会不会背着我，和我在比萨高等师范的朋友谈论这个问题，甚至是和马丽娅罗莎谈论这个问题？
Meanwhile I gazed angrily into the
mirror. My face looked tired, small pimples on my chin and dark circles under
my eyes announced my period. I’m ugly, short, my bust is too big. I should
have understood long ago that he never liked me, it was no coincidence that
he preferred Lila. But with what result? She’s made badly even when it comes
to sex, he said. I was wrong to avoid the subject. I should have acted
curious, let him continue. If he talks about it again I’ll be more
open-minded, I’ll say: what does it mean that a girl is made badly when it
comes to sex? I’m asking you, I’ll explain laughing, so that I can correct
myself, if it seems necessary. Assuming that one can correct it, who knows. I
remembered with disgust what had happened with his father on the beach at the
Maronti. I thought of making love with Franco on the little bed in his room
in Pisa—had I done something wrong that he had noticed but had tactfully not
mentioned to me? And if that very evening, let’s say, I had gone to bed with
Nino, would I make more mistakes, so that he would think: she’s made badly,
like Lila, and would he speak of it behind my back to his girlfriends at the
university, maybe even to Mariarosa?
我意识到，他的那些话太冒犯人了，我不得不指责他。我应该告诉他，从那场他评价很差的性关系里，产生了一个孩子，那就是小詹纳罗，他非常聪明。我应该说，你这样说是不对的，问题不能简化为谁在性方面有问题，莉拉为了你，已经毁掉了自己。我决定，当我摆脱了阿黛尔和她的朋友，尼诺陪我到宾馆时，我会跟他说这些话。
I realized the offensiveness of those
words; I should have rebuked him. From that mistaken sex, I should have said
to him, from an experience of which you now express a negative opinion, came
a child, little Gennaro, who is very intelligent: it’s not nice for you to
talk like that, you can’t reduce the question to who is made badly and who is
made well. Lila ruined herself for you. And I made up my mind: when I get rid
of Adele and her friend, when he walks me to the hotel, I’ll return to the
subject and tell him.
我从洗手间里出来，回到餐厅里，我发现我不在期间，情况发生了变化。我未来的婆婆一看到我，就对我招手，她兴高采烈地对我说：“你的惊喜终于到了。”那个惊喜就是彼得罗，他坐在阿黛尔身边。
I came out of the bathroom. I went back
to the dining room and discovered that during my absence the situation had
changed. As soon as my mother-*-law saw me, she waved and said happily, her
cheeks alight: the surprise finally got here. The surprise was Pietro, he was
sitting next to her.
-*-
6
我的未婚夫一看到我，马上就站起来拥抱了我。我从来都没有跟他提到过尼诺，我提到过安东尼奥，次数也不多，我只是跟他提到过我和弗朗科之间的关系，当时这在比萨高等师范的学生中人尽皆知。我从来都没提到过尼诺的名字。这是一件让我痛苦的事，那些糟糕的事情让我很羞愧——把这个故事讲述出来，就意味着要坦白，我一直爱着一个人，说出为什么我爱他，需要把这件事厘清，就要说明尼诺的意义，就要说到莉拉、伊斯基亚，也许最后会促使我承认，我在书中讲述的那个情节：女主人公和成熟男人的性爱是源于我在玛隆蒂海滩上的体验，是一个绝望的小姑娘做出的选择。事情过去了那么久，我现在觉得，那是一件很恶心的事，但那是我自己的事儿，我要埋在心里。假如彼得罗知道这些，他一定会明白我见到他为什么会那么不高兴。
My fiancé jumped up, he embraced me. I
had never told him anything about Nino. I had said a few words about Antonio,
and had told him something about my relationship with Franco, which, besides,
was well known in the student world of Pisa. Nino, however, I had never
mentioned. It was a story that hurt me, it had painful moments that I was
ashamed of. To tell it meant to confess that I had loved forever a person as
I would never love him. And to give it an order, a sense, involved talking
about Lila, about Ischia, maybe even going so far as to admit that the
episode of sex with an older man, as it appeared in my book, was inspired by
a true experience at the Maronti, by a decision that I had made as a
desperate girl and which now, after so much time had passed, seemed to me
repugnant. My own business, therefore. I had held on to my secrets. If Pietro
had known, he would have easily understood why I was greeting him without
pleasure.
他坐在了桌子的首席，在他母亲和尼诺之间，他狼吞虎咽地吃了一块牛排，喝了葡萄酒，他看着我，他感觉到了我的坏心情，因此表现得有些小心翼翼。当然了，他觉得自己有些理亏，因为在我人生中一个非常重要的时刻，他没有及时赶到。他觉得自己对这件事不够重视，可能会被我理解为他不爱我，毕竟他让我一个人面对那些陌生的面孔，少了他精神上的支持。很难向他解释，我阴着脸不说话正是因为他现在来了，而且夹在我和尼诺中间。
He sat down again at the head of the
table, between his mother and Nino. He ate a steak, drank some wine, but he
looked at me in alarm, aware of my unhappiness. Certainly he felt at fault
because he hadn’t arrived in time and had missed an important event in my
life, because his neglect could be interpreted as a sign that he didn’t love
me, because he had left me among strangers without the comfort of his
affection. It would have been difficult to tell him that my dark face, my
muteness, could be explained precisely by the fact that he hadn’t remained
completely absent, that he had intruded between me and Nino.
尼诺呢——让我更不高兴的是——虽然他坐在我身边，但他一句话也不跟我说。好像彼得罗来了让他很高兴，他给彼得罗倒酒，请他抽自己的烟，还给他点上了一根。现在，他们两人都在吞云吐雾，谈到从比萨开车到米兰很累，还谈到了开车的乐趣。让我惊异的是他们之间的区别：尼诺很瘦，很修长，声音很高，也很热情；彼得罗又矮又结实，顶着一头乱糟糟、有些可笑的头发，额头很高，腮帮子很大，脸剃得发青，声音很低沉。他们好像很高兴能相互认识，这对于彼得罗来说很不正常，因为他一贯只专注于自己的事情，并不热衷于社会交往。尼诺对他的研究表现出极浓的兴趣（他读了一篇文章，文中反对喝葡萄酒，反对任何形式的醉酒，推崇牛奶和蜂蜜），他想引导彼得罗谈论这个问题。关于这些话题，我的未婚夫向来都倾向于什么都不说，但这次他妥协了，他很耐心地纠正了那种观点，然后开始敞开心扉。正当彼得罗畅所欲言时，阿黛尔插了一句：
Nino, meanwhile, was making me even more
unhappy. He was sitting next to me but didn’t address a word to me. He seemed
happy about Pietro’s arrival. He poured wine for him, offered him cigarettes,
lighted one, and now they were both smoking, lips compressed, and talking
about the difficult journey by car from Pisa to Milan, and the pleasure of
driving. It struck me how different they were: Nino thin, lanky, his voice
high and cordial; Pietro thick-*-humoredly, he opened up. But just when
Pietro was starting to gain confidence, Adele interrupted.
“别聊闲话了，”她对儿子说，“你给埃莱娜准备的惊喜呢？”
“Enough talk,” she said to her son. “What
about the surprise for Elena?”
我看着她，有些迷惑，还有其他惊喜吗？彼得罗一刻不停地开车过来，就是为了赶上我的庆功晚宴，这还不够吗？我带着好奇想。这时候，我的未婚夫做出一副不高兴的样子，我了解他的反应——那是在环境的迫使下，不得不说自己好话时，他脸上才会有的表情。他向我宣布，几乎是嘟囔着说，他正式成为一名非常年轻的教授，佛罗伦萨大学聘请他做正教授。他说话的样子，就像是发生了奇迹，才让他一下子成为了教授。他就是这样的人，从来不夸耀自己，也从来都没有提到过他面临的严峻考验，以至于我根本不知道，他作为学者是那么受器重。现在，就这样，他几乎是用轻蔑的语气说了这个消息，就好像是他母亲逼他说的，就好像这对他来说毫无意义。但实际上，这意味着他年纪轻轻就取得了让人称道的成绩，意味着经济保证，意味着可以离开比萨，轻松地摆脱那里的政治和文化氛围。我不知道为什么，这几个月他有些受不了那个城市。这尤其意味着，在那年秋天，或者最晚第二年开春，我们就会结婚，我就会离开那不勒斯。没人提到最后这件事情，但大家都恭喜彼得罗，也恭喜我，包括尼诺。在听到这个消息之后，他看了看表，语气尖酸地说到了大学里的职称，然后就向大家抱歉，说他该走了。
I looked at her uncertainly. There were
other surprises? Wasn’t it enough that Pietro had driven for hours without
stopping, to arrive only in time for the dinner in my honor? I thought of my
fiancé with curiosity, he had a sulky expression that I knew and that he
assumed when circumstances forced him to speak about himself in public. He
announced to me, but almost in a whisper, that he had become a tenured
professor, a very young tenured professor, with a position at Florence. Like
that, by magic, in his typical fashion. He never boasted of his brilliance,
he was scarcely aware of his value as a scholar, he kept silent about the
struggles he had endured. And now, look, he mentioned that news casually, as
if he had been forced to by his mother, as if for him it meant nothing. In
fact, it meant remarkable prestige at a young age, it meant economic
security, it meant leaving Pisa, it meant escaping a political and cultural
climate that for months, I don’t know why, had exasperated him. It meant
finally that in the fall, or at the beginning of the next year, we would get
married and I would leave Naples. No one mentioned this last thing, instead
they all congratulated Pietro and me. Even Nino, who right afterward looked
at his watch, made some acerbic remarks on university careers, and exclaimed
that he was sorry but he had to go.
所有人都站了起来。我不知道该怎么办才好，我感觉胸口一阵疼痛，我很想抓住他的目光。都结束了，我失去了一个机会，那些愿望也泡汤了。我们走到路上，我希望他能给我一个电话号码，一个地址，但他只是握了握我的手，祝我一切如意。从那时候开始，我觉得他的每个动作都是想摆脱我。告别的时候，我微笑着挥动一只手，好像手里拿着一支笔，其实那是一个祈求，意思是：你知道我住在哪儿，给我写信吧，求你了，但他已经转身离去。
We all got up. I didn’t know what to do,
I uselessly sought his gaze, as a great sorrow filled my heart. End of the
evening, missed opportunity, aborted desires. Out on the street I hoped that
he would give me a phone number, an address. He merely shook my hand and
wished me all the best. From that moment it seemed to me that each of his
gestures was deliberately cutting me off. As a kind of farewell I gave him a
half smile, waving my hand as if I were holding a pen. It was a plea, it
meant: you know where I live, write to me, please. But he had already turned
his back.
-*-
7
我对阿黛尔和她的朋友表示感谢，还特别感谢了他们为我，还有我的书所遭的罪。他们俩都诚恳地赞美了尼诺，说了尼诺很多好话，就好像他长得那么可爱、那么聪明，都是因为我的缘故。彼得罗什么也没说，只是在他母亲要他早点回去时，他做了一个不耐烦的动作。他们都住在马丽娅罗莎那里。我马上对他说：“你不用陪我去宾馆，你和你母亲回去吧。”没有人觉得我这是真心话，但实际上，我真的很不开心，想一个人待着。
I thanked Adele and her friend for all
the trouble they had taken for me and for my book. They both praised Nino at
length, sincerely, speaking to me as if it were I who had contributed to
making him so likable, so intelligent. Pietro said nothing, he merely nodded
a bit nervously when his mother told him to return soon, they were both
guests of Mariarosa. I said immediately: you don’t have to come with me, go
with your mother. It didn’t occur to anyone that I was serious, that I was
unhappy and would rather be alone.
一路上，我的情绪都非常糟糕，我的未婚夫简直没法和我交流。我感叹说，我不喜欢佛罗伦萨，那不是真的；我说我再也不想写作，我想教书，那也不是真的；我说我很累、很困，那也不是真的。不仅仅如此，当彼得罗毫无预告地向我宣布，他想去那不勒斯见我的父母，我对他叫喊着说：“你疯了吗？你应该放过我的父母，你不适合他们，他们也不适合你。”他有些担忧地问我：
All the way back I was impossible. I
exclaimed that I didn’t like Florence, and it wasn’t true. I exclaimed that I
didn’t want to write anymore, I wanted to teach, and it wasn’t true. I
exclaimed that I was tired, I was very sleepy, and it wasn’t true. Not only
that. When, suddenly, Pietro declared that he wanted to meet my parents, I
yelled at him: you’re crazy, forget my parents, you’re not suitable for them
and they aren’t suitable for you. Then he was frightened, and asked:
“你不想嫁给我了？”
“Do you not want to marry me anymore?”
那时候我差一点儿就说：“是的，我不想嫁给你了。”但我马上就忍住了，我知道那不是真的。我轻声说：“对不起，我很沮丧，我当然想嫁给你。”我拉住了他的一只手，和他十指相扣。他是个聪明的男人，非常博学，也很善良，我很喜欢他，我不想让他痛苦。尽管如此，当我拉着他的手，说我想嫁给他的时候，我清楚地知道，假如那天晚上他没有出现在餐厅里，我会试着得到尼诺。
I was about to say: No, I don’t want to,
but I restrained myself in time, I knew that that wasn’t true, either. I said
weakly, I’m sorry, I’m depressed, of course I want to marry you, and I took
his hand, I interlaced my fingers in his. He was an intelligent man,
extraordinarily cultured, and good. I loved him, I didn’t mean to make him
suffer. And yet, even as I was holding his hand, even as I was affirming that
I wanted to marry him, I knew clearly that if he hadn’t appeared that night
at the restaurant I would have tried to sleep with Nino.
但我不能承认这一点，彼得罗不应该受到那样的对待。当然，假如我得到尼诺的话，我也会无怨无悔，我会找到一种方式把尼诺吸引过来，就像在过去那些年，从小学到高中，一直到伊斯基亚，还有马尔蒂里广场那段时期那样。尽管我不喜欢他说的关于莉拉的那句话，那句话让我很不安。我会得到尼诺，但我永远都不告诉彼得罗。也许，我会把这件事情告诉莉拉，但谁知道会是在什么时候呢，可能等到我们都老了吧，我想象着，无论是我还是她，到时候已经完全不在乎这些事了。时间，就像对于其他事情，是决定性的。拥有尼诺，可能就只有一夜，他会在早晨时离开。尽管我认识他很久了，但他一直在我的想象里，那些想象自我童年就开始了，由孩童时期的种种愿望组成，没有任何具体的内容，没有一个未来，我知道，和他永远在一起是不可能的。彼得罗属于现在，他像界碑一样确凿，他给我划出了一片崭新的领地，一片充满理性的天地。这片领域存在一些规范，这些规则来自他的家庭，就是要赋予每样东西意义，要捍卫伟大的理想，要坚持原则，要维护家族的声誉。在艾罗塔家的领地里，一切都不在话下，比如说结婚，就是一场世俗与宗教对峙的战争。彼得罗的父母没有在教堂结婚，只是在民政局做了登记。就我所知，彼得罗对宗教非常了解，可能是因为这个缘故，他也不会在教堂结婚。可能是他真的对宗教太了解了，他宁肯放弃我，也不会在教堂里结婚。洗礼的问题也一样，彼得罗没受过洗礼，马丽娅罗莎也没受过洗礼，因此将来我们生了孩子孩子也不会接受洗礼。他就是这样，事情肯定会向这个方向发展，就好像有人指挥着他一样。他没有神的支撑，支撑着他的是家庭，但这足以使他确信，自己站在真理和正义的一边。至于性，我不知道他的态度，但我知道他非常慎重。他非常了解我和弗朗科·马里之间的事情，他应该能推测出来，我不是处女，然而他从来都没提过那个话题，甚至连一个小小的玩笑都没开过，哪怕是一句绕弯子，或是带点儿醋意的话都没说过。我觉得，他应该没有别的女朋友，去召妓更是不可想象的事情，我也排除了他和其他男性谈论女人的可能。他特别讨厌黄色笑话，他也讨厌闲聊、聚会、大喊大叫以及任何形式的浪费。尽管他家境非常富裕，但他还是倾向于过一种节制的生活，有一次，他和父母以及姐姐为此产生了争论。他有着很强的责任感，他永远不可能辜负我，也不会背叛我。
I had a hard time admitting it to myself.
Certainly it would have been an offense that Pietro didn’t deserve, and yet I
would have committed it willingly and perhaps without remorse. I would have
found a way to draw Nino to me, with all the years that had passed, from
elementary school to high school, up to the time of Ischia and Piazza dei
Martiri. I would have made love with him, even though I hadn’t liked that
remark about Lila, and was distressed by it. I would have slept with him and
to Pietro I would have said nothing. Maybe I could have told Lila, but who
knows when, maybe as an old woman, when I imagined that nothing would matter
anymore to her or to me. Time, as in all things, was decisive. Nino would
last a single night, he would leave me in the morning. Even though I had
known him forever, he was made of dreams, and holding on to him forever would
have been impossible: he came from childhood, he was constructed out of
childish desires, he had no concreteness, he didn’t face the future. Pietro,
on the other hand, was of the present, massive, a boundary stone. He marked a
land new to me, a land of good reasons, governed by rules that originated in
his family and endowed everything with meaning. Grand ideals flourished, the
cult of the reputation, matters of principle. Nothing in the sphere of the
Airotas was perfunctory. Marriage, for example, was a contribution to a
secular battle. Pietro’s parents had had only a civil wedding, and Pietro,
although as far as I knew he had a vast religious knowledge, would never get
married in a church; rather, he would give me up. The same went for baptism.
Pietro hadn’t been baptized, nor had Mariarosa, so any children that might
come wouldn’t be baptized, either. Everything about him had that tendency, seemed
always to be guided by a superior order that, although its origin was not
divine but came from his family, gave him, just the same, the certainty of
being on the side of truth and justice. As for sex, I don’t know, he was
wary. He knew enough of my affair with Franco Mari to deduce that I wasn’t a
virgin, and yet he had never mentioned the subject, not even an accusatory
phrase, a vulgar comment, a laugh. I didn’t think he’d had other girlfriends;
it was hard to imagine him with a prostitute, I was sure he hadn’t spent even
a minute of his life talking about women with other men. He hated salacious
remarks. He hated gossip, raised voices, parties, every form of waste.
Although his circumstances were comfortable, he tended—in this unlike his
parents and his sister—to a sort of asceticism amid the abundance. And he had
a conspicuous sense of duty, he would never fail in his commitments to me, he
would never betray me.
是的，我不愿意失去他。尽管我上了学，但我的本性依然低俗，距离他的要求很远，假如我没法像他一样诚实规矩，那只能认命了，但他会让我摆脱我父亲卑劣的机会主义，还有我母亲的粗鲁。因此，我拼命地想把尼诺从脑子里排除出去，我拉着彼得罗的胳膊，喃喃地说：“是的，我们要尽早结婚，我想早点儿离开家，想考驾照，想旅行，我想有电话、电视机，我从来都是一无所有。”这时候，他高兴起来了，他笑了，他说好的，我说的他都答应。在距离宾馆不到几步的地方，他停了下来，用沙哑的声音问：“我能不能和你一起睡？”这是那天晚上的最后一个惊喜。我有些不安地看着他：过去有很多次，我都提议和他做爱，但他总是推脱；但在米兰，在这家宾馆里，在经历了书店里的争论和与尼诺的相遇之后，我觉得无法接受这件事情。我说：“我们已经等了很长时间了，我们可以再等等。”我在一个阴暗的角落里吻了他，在宾馆的门槛那里，我看着他走上了加里波第路，时不时回头看，对我羞怯地挥手。他凌乱的脚步，还有蓬乱地顶在头上的头发，忽然让我很心软。
No, I did not want to lose him. Never
mind if my nature, coarse in spite of the education I had had, was far from
his rigor, if I honestly didn’t know how I would stand up to all that
geometry. He gave me the certainty that I was escaping the opportunistic
malleability of my father and the crudeness of my mother. So I forced myself
to repress the thought of Nino, I took Pietro by the arm, I murmured, yes,
let’s get married as soon as possible, I want to leave home, I want to get a
driver’s license, I want to travel, I want to have a telephone, a television,
I’ve never had anything. And he at that point became cheerful, he laughed, he
said yes to everything I randomly asked for. A few steps from the hotel he
stopped, he whispered hoarsely: Can I sleep with you? That was the last
surprise of the evening. I looked at him bewildered: I had been ready so many
times to make love, he had always avoided it; but having him in the bed
there, in Milan, in the hotel, after the traumatic discussion in the bookstore,
after Nino, I didn’t feel like it. I answered: We’ve waited so long, we can
wait a little longer. I kissed him in a dark corner, I watched him from the
hotel entrance as he walked away along Corso Garibaldi, and every so often
turned and waved timidly. His clumsy gait, his flat feet, the tangle of his
hair moved me.
-*-
8
从那时候开始，我的生活就一直不得安生，接下来的几个月里，似乎每天都有这样或那样的事情发生，有好也有坏。回到那不勒斯，我脑子里一直在想着尼诺，想着我们那些没有任何结果的会面。我有时候会克制不住自己，想去找莉拉，等她上完班回来，给她讲那些可以讲的事情，尽量不伤害她。我觉得，提到尼诺就是对她的一种伤害，最终我还是放弃了。莉拉麻烦缠身，而尼诺已经有了自己的生活，我也有很多要紧的事要面对。比如说，从米兰回去的当天晚上，我就告诉我父母，彼得罗想来见他们，我们可能会在一年内结婚，婚后我们会去佛罗伦萨生活。
From that moment life began to pound me
without respite, the months were rapidly grafted onto one another, there was
no day when something good or bad didn’t happen. I returned to Naples,
thinking about Nino, and that encounter without consequences, and at times
the wish to see Lila was strong, to go and wait for her to come home from
work, tell her what could be told without hurting her. Then I convinced
myself that merely mentioning Nino would wound her, and I gave it up. Lila
had gone her way, he his. I had urgent things to deal with. For example, the
evening of my return from Milan I told my parents that Pietro was coming to
meet them, that probably we would be married within the year, that I was
going to live in Florence.
他们没有表现出惊喜，或者说高兴。我想，他们已经彻底习惯于我的来去自如，我已经成了家里的外人，对于家里的生活问题，从来都不过问。我觉得，我父亲有一点儿激动，这很正常，那些他从来没面对过的问题，总是让他有些焦虑。
They showed no joy, or even satisfaction.
I thought that they had finally grown used to my coming and going as I liked,
increasingly estranged from the family, indifferent to their problems of
survival. And it seemed to me normal that only my father became somewhat
agitated, always nervous at the prospect of situations he didn’t feel
prepared for.
“那个大学教授真要来我们家里吗？”他有些不耐烦地问。
“Does the university professor have to
come to our house?” he asked, in irritation.
“他不来咱家里，那他去哪儿？”我母亲发火了，“他不来这里，怎么向莱农求婚，怎么跟你提亲呢？”
“Where else?” my mother said angrily.
“How can he ask you for Lenuccia’s hand if he doesn’t come here?”
通常，我母亲遇事要比父亲镇静，她很实际，而且很有决断，甚至让人觉得有些无情，她让丈夫闭嘴。我父亲去睡觉了，埃莉莎、佩佩和詹尼在餐厅里搭起了他们的床。她开始教训我，她的声音很低，但是是吼出来的，她红着眼睛盯着我，一字一句地说：“对于你来说，我们什么都不是，你总是在最后一刻才通知我们。你上了几天学，写了本书，要和一位大学教授结婚，就觉得自己特别了不起，觉得自己是千金小姐了，但是，我亲爱的，你是从这个肚子里出来的，你本质就是这样的，你尾巴不要翘得那么高。你永远不要忘了，假如你很聪明，那也是我生的你，我和你一样聪明，或者比你更聪明。假如我有你这样的机会，我也会和你做一样的事情，明白了吗？”在气头上，她先说因为我的缘故，因为我出去念书了，只考虑自己的事儿，我的几个弟弟在学校里成绩很差，一无是处；然后她问我要钱，理由是她需要钱给埃莉莎买一件像样的衣服，以及收拾收拾家里，因为我强迫她接待我的未婚夫。
Usually she seemed more prepared than he,
concrete, resolute to the point of indifference. But once she had silenced
him, once her husband had gone to bed and Elisa and Peppe and Gianni had set
up their beds in the dining room, I had to change my mind. She attacked me in
very low but shrill tones, hissing with reddened eyes: We are nothing to you,
you tell us nothing until the last minute, the young lady thinks she’s
somebody because she has an education, because she writes books, because
she’s marrying a professor, but my dear, you came out of this belly and you
are made of this substance, so don’t act superior and don’t ever forget that
if you are intelligent, I who carried you in here am just as intelligent, if
not more, and if I had had the chance I would have done the same as you,
understand? Then, on the crest of her rage, she first reproached me saying
that because I had left, and thought only of myself, my siblings hadn’t done
well in school, and then asked me for money, or, rather, demanded it: she
needed it to buy a decent dress for Elisa and to fix up the house a bit,
since I was forcing her to receive my fiancé.
我没有理会几个弟弟在学校的成绩，但马上给了她钱，尽管我知道那些钱不是用来收拾家里的，她不停地问我要钱，每个理由都是好的。她虽然没有明说，但她还是没办法接受我把钱存到邮局里，而不是像之前那样，把挣的钱全部交给她。以前我在迈佐卡农内书店工作，或者我带着文具店老板娘的女儿去海边，挣的钱都是全部给她的。我想，也许她觉得，我的钱都是属于她的，她想说服我，她觉得我也属于她，虽然我会结婚，我还是会永远属于她。
I passed over my siblings’ lack of
success in school. The money, on the other hand, I gave her right away, even
if it wasn’t true that she needed it for the house—she continually asked for
money, any excuse would do. Although she had never said so explicitly, she
still couldn’t accept the fact that I kept my money in a post-office savings
account, that I hadn’t handed it over to her as I always had, ever since I
first took the stationer’s daughters to the beach, or worked in the bookstore
on Via Mezzocannone. Maybe, I thought, by acting as if my money belonged to
her she wants to convince me that I myself belong to her, and that, even if I
get married, I will belong to her forever.
我尽量保持平静，就像我们商量好了一样。我告诉她，我会给家里装一部电话，而且会分期付款给家里买一台电视。她有些不敢相信似地看着我，忽然做出一副很欣赏的表情，还是用刚才的语气对我说：
I remained calm, I told her as a sort of
compensation that I would have a telephone put in, that I would buy a
television on the installment plan. She looked at me uncertainly, with a
sudden admiration that clashed with what she had just been saying.
“给家里装电话和电视？”
“A television and telephone in this house
here?”
“当然了。”
“Yes.”
“你掏钱啊？”
“You’ll pay for it?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“你会一直出钱，结婚后也出钱啊？”
“Always, even after you’re married?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“那位教授知道不知道，我们一毛钱嫁妆也没有，也没钱请客？”
“The professor knows that there’s not a
cent for a dowry, and not even for a reception?”
“他知道，我们不会举行婚宴。”
“He knows, and we’re not having a
reception.”
她的心情又变坏了，眼睛变得通红。
Again her mood changed, her eyes became
inflamed.
“什么，没有婚宴？你可以让他掏钱啊。”
“What do you mean, no reception? Make him
pay.”
“不用，我们不会举行婚宴。”
“No, we’re doing without.”
我母亲又开始火冒三丈，她用各种话骂我，她想让我回应她，给她火上浇油。
My mother became furious again, she
provoked me in every way she could think of, she wanted me to respond so that
she could get angrier.
“你记不记得莉拉的婚礼，你记不记得当时的婚宴？”
“You remember Lila’s wedding, you
remember the reception she had?”
“记得。”
“Yes.”
“你要比她好得多，你为什么不想办？”
“And you, who are much better than she
is, don’t want to do anything?”
“不想。”
“No.”
我们一直都这样交流，最后我决定，与其慢慢玩味她的怒火，不如让她一次性发泄完。
We went on like that until I decided
that, rather than taking her rage in doses, it would be better to have it all
at once, one grand fury:
“妈！”我说，“我们不但不办婚宴，我们也不会在教堂里结婚，只是在市政府民政处结婚。”
“Ma,” I said, “not only are we not having
a party but I’m not even getting married in church, I’m getting married at
city hall.”
这时候，就好像一阵强风吹来，把门和窗子吹开了。尽管我母亲一点儿也不虔诚，但她开始失控地叫喊起来了，她满脸通红，整个人向前探着身子，骂得非常难听。她叫喊着说，如果没有神父，那婚姻是无效的！她说，假如我没在上帝面前结婚，那我就不是一个妻子，而是一个婊子。尽管她腿有些毛病，还是飞一般地去叫醒了我父亲还有我的几个弟弟，告诉他们她一直担心的事情，也就是说我上太多年学，把脑子学坏了。我那么幸运，那么一帆风顺，但我让别人像婊子一样对待，她说有这样一个不信主的女儿，她会羞得出不了门。
At that point it was as if doors and
windows had been blown open by a strong wind. Although she wasn’t religious,
my mother lost control and, leaning toward me, red in the face, began yelling
insults at me. She shouted that the marriage was worthless if the priest
didn’t say that it was valid. She shouted that if I didn’t get married before
God I would never be a wife but only a whore, and, despite her lame leg, she
almost flew as she went to wake my father, my siblings, to let them know what
she had always feared, that too much education had ruined my brain, that I
had had all the luck and yet I was treated like a whore, that she would never
be able to go out of the house because of the shame of having a godless
daughter.
我父亲穿着内裤出来了，他有些懵，几个弟弟妹妹想搞清楚我到底做了些什么，他们又要面对什么麻烦。他们尽量让我母亲平静下来，但没有用，她大喊大叫，说要马上把我从家里赶出去，她可不想忍受那样的屈辱，不想有一个像莉拉或艾达那样的女儿，连个正式婚姻都没有。这时候，尽管她没真的过来扇我耳光，只是在空中挥舞着手掌，但看起来就好像我是一个影子，而她打的是一个真实的我。她费了好大力气才平静下来，这是埃莉莎的功劳。我妹妹小心地问：
My father, stunned, in his underwear, and
my siblings sought to understand what other trouble they had to deal with
because of me, and tried to calm her, but in vain. She shouted that she
wanted to throw me out of the house immediately, before I exposed her, too,
her, too, to the shame of having a concubine daughter like Lila and Ada.
Meanwhile, although she wasn’t actually hitting me, she struck the air as if
I were a shadow and she had grabbed a real me, whom she was beating
ferociously. It was some time before she quieted down, which she did thanks
to Elisa. My sister asked cautiously:
“是你还是你未婚夫想在民政局结婚？”
“But is it you who want to get married at
city hall or is it your fiancé?”
我跟她解释，其实是想给所有人解释清楚：我已经很长时间都没去教堂了，对我来说，无论在教堂结婚还是在民政局结婚，都是一样的；但对于我的未婚夫来说，在民政局结婚非常重要，他了解宗教的所有问题，他觉得宗教是一件神圣的事情，但教会在国家事务上干涉得太多了，已经变质了。我最后总结说，总之，假如我们不在民政局结婚的话，那他不会娶我的。
I explained to her, but as if I were
explaining the matter to all of them, that for me the Church hadn’t counted
for a long time, but that whether I got married at city hall or at the altar
was the same to me; while for my fiancé it was very important to have only a
civil ceremony, he knew all about religious matters and believed that
religion, however valuable, was ruined precisely when it interfered in the
affairs of the state. In other words, I concluded, if we don’t get married at
city hall, he won’t marry me.
这时候，我父亲开始站到我母亲那一边，但现在他不再附和着抱怨，骂我了。
At that point my father, who had
immediately sided with my mother, suddenly stopped echoing her insults and
laments.
“他不会娶你？”
“He won’t marry you?”
“不会。”
“No.”
“他会怎么做？会和你分手？”
“And what will he do, leave you?”
“我们不结婚，但会一起去佛罗伦萨生活。”
“We’ll go and live together in Florence
without getting married.”
这是我母亲最受不了的一句话。她简直怒不可遏，她说，我要是敢那么做，那她就会拿一把刀把我杀了。我父亲惊慌失措地捋着头发，对我母亲说：
That information my mother considered the
most intolerable of all. She completely lost control, vowing that in that
case she would take a knife and cut my throat. My father instead nervously
ruffled his hair, and said to her:
“你先闭一下嘴，不要惹我的火，我们好好说。我们都很清楚，那些在神父面前结婚，又举行了一场盛宴的人，婚姻后来可能会非常糟糕。”
“Be quiet, don’t get me mad, let’s be
reasonable. We know very well that someone can get married by the priest,
have a fancy celebration, and still come to a bad end.”
他是在影射莉拉，这件事一直是我们城区的一桩丑闻。我母亲终于明白了，神父并不是一个保证，在我们生活的这个丑陋世界里，是没有任何保证的。她不再叫喊了，让我父亲来分析现在的情况，然后让我顺从。而她这时候一瘸一拐地在家里走来走去，还一边摇着头，一边骂着我未来的丈夫：“他是什么东西？教授？是Communist吗？什么屁教授！”她叫喊着说，“一个有这种想法的人，算是什么教授啊？混蛋才会这么想！”我父亲说：“不是这样，这个教授只是研究过宗教问题，他比任何人都明白，那些神父做了多少龌龊事儿，正因为这个原因，他才想着去民政局结婚。”“好吧，你说得对，很多党人都是这么做的。这样，你女儿就像没结婚一样，但我一点儿也不相信那个大学教授。如果他很爱我们的女儿，我没法相信，他会让莱农像破鞋一样，没结婚就和他生活在一起。”“无论如何，假如我们不相信他，那我们也应该相信市政府——但我相信他，尽管我还不认识他，他是一个非常重要的人，是很多姑娘都想嫁的人。我在市政府工作，我可以向你保证，那里举行的婚礼和在教堂里举行的婚礼一样有效，甚至更加有效。”
He, too, was obviously alluding to Lila,
the ever-vivid scandal of the neighborhood, and my mother finally understood.
The priest wasn’t a guarantee, nothing was a guarantee in the brutal world we
lived in. So she stopped shouting and left to my father the task of examining
the situation and, if necessary, letting me have my way. But she didn’t stop
pacing, with her limp, shaking her head, insulting my future husband. What
was he, the professor? Was he a Communist? Communist and professor? Professor
of that shit, she shouted. What kind of professor is he, one who thinks like
that? A shit thinks like that. No, replied my father, what do you mean shit,
he’s a man who’s educated and knows better than anyone what disgusting things
the priests do, that’s why he wants to go and say “I do” only at city hall.
Yes, you’re right, a lot of Communists do that. Yes, you’re right, like this
our daughter doesn’t seem married. But I would trust this university
professor: he loves her. I can’t believe that he would put Lenuccia in a
situation where she seems like a whore. And anyway if we don’t want to trust
him—but I do trust him, even if I don’t know him yet: he’s an important
person, the girls here dream of a match like that—at least we can trust the
city hall. I work there, at the city hall, and a marriage there, I can assure
you, is as valid as the one in church and maybe even more.
他们就这样又说了好几个小时，几个弟弟妹妹后来撑不住了，陆续都去睡觉了。我安慰我的父母，我想说服他们接受这件事，我觉得这对我进入彼得罗的世界非常重要。此外，通过这种方式，我感到自己比莉拉还要大胆。尤其是，假如我再遇到尼诺，我会用影射的方式对他说：“你看，那次我和宗教老师的争执，最后带来了什么结果。每个选择都会产生后果，很多时候，我们的生活都被挤压在一个角落里，等待着一个机会，而那个机会终会到来。”但可能是我夸张了，实际上事情很简单，已经有至少十年时间，我童年的那个上帝，对我的影响已经越来越微弱了，他就像一个生病的老人，躺在角落里。我一点儿也不需要神圣的婚姻，最核心的问题是：我要离开那不勒斯。
He went on for hours. My siblings at a
certain point collapsed and went back to sleep. I stayed to soothe my parents
and persuade them to accept something that for me, at that moment, was an
important sign of my entrance into Pietro’s world. Besides, it made me feel
bolder than Lila. And most of all, if I met Nino again, I would have liked to
be able to say to him, in an allusive way: See where that argument with the
religion teacher led, every choice has its history, so many moments of our
existence are shoved into a corner, waiting for an outlet, and in the end the
outlet arrives. But I would have been exaggerating, in reality it was much
simpler. For at least ten years the God of childhood, already fairly weak,
had been pushed aside like an old sick person, and I felt no need for the
sanctity of marriage. The essential thing was to get out of Naples.