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I started in middle school, and it became a way to create distance in my real-life relationships. But when I met the man I'd one day marry, I was forced to confront myself.
by ERICA GARZA
Aug 29, 2016
I started watching softcore porn when I was 12 years old. Once my parents were asleep, I'd sneak into the living room to catch late-night movies on Cinemax. The volume down low, I'd stare at the screen in fascination, anxious one of my parents would catch me and find out my secret.
I was sure that the attraction to the images I felt was abnormal and that touching myself was a sin, yet I couldn't stop myself. Even then, I was acting out both my desire for and fear of intimacy. This created a pattern of achieving orgasm through secrecy—and always feeling bad about it afterward. It was a pattern that would stick with me for years.
我是从初中开始的，这已经成为现实生活中制造距离的一种方式。但当我遇到那个要嫁的男人时，我告诫自己要勇敢面对。
@Erica Garza
2016 年 8 月 29 日
我开始看色情片是在我12岁的时候。只要我父母都睡着了，我就会偷偷溜进客厅看Cinemax的午夜电影。把音量调低，一边如痴如醉地盯着屏幕，一边担心会被父母抓到。
我非常清楚我被那些画面所痴迷是不正常的，抚摸自己更是一种罪过，但我根本停不下来。但当时，对亲密关系的的渴望以及恐惧并存的那些情绪纠缠着我。那种偷偷摸摸达到高潮的方式，事后让我一直感觉很沮丧。但也伴随着我很多年。
How I Got Hooked
Looking back, the movies were hardly pornographic. I saw plenty of bare breasts and chiseled abs, but I had to rely on my imagination to fill in the blanks. A few years later, technology cleared up that mystery as internet porn grew in popularity and accessibility. I started with the soft stuff, not knowing any better, but when one click led to the next, I soon found myself in an endless pursuit of hotter, harder, faster, dirtier. I grew bored and restless. Threesomes were exciting...until I discovered gang bangs. Women being admired or caressed eventually needed to be leashed and dragged around.
The more I watched porn, the more I trained my brain to need not just the provocative images dancing across my computer screen, but also all the emotions these images aroused in me—excitement, shame, sometimes even disgust.
我怎么迷上的呢？
回头想想，那时的电影一点也不色情。我只看过很多袒胸露乳的镜头，还有性感的腹肌，剩下我只好靠想象来满足。几年后，随着网络的普及，消除了色情这层神秘面纱。
那时不知道还有什么更好的方法，从用一个软的东西开始去体会，我很快就发现自己在无止境的追求那些更激情的，更猛烈的，速度更快的、更下流的刺激。渐渐开始觉得无聊和烦躁不安。3p的色情片一度令我兴奋......直到我发现了群p色情片。那些女人们都被宠爱着抚慰着，直到她们被拴起来拖来拖去。
看得越多的色情片，我就更加抑制自己不要让画面出现在我的电脑屏幕上，所有的影像使我兴奋又让我羞愧，有时甚至是恶心。
I never felt okay with watching such graphic porn, but that didn't stop me from bringing it into the bedroom with various boyfriends over the years. Their reactions were typically surprise, followed by amusement. And after they'd fall into a post-coital slumber beside me, I'd masturbate a few more times because getting off alone was always more comfortable. Isolation was fundamental to my sexuality.
For as far back as I could remember, I'd been scared of intimacy. Terrified, even. In junior high—around the same time I started watching softcore porn—I was diagnosed with scoliosis and sentenced to wear a bulky back brace for two years, leaving me painfully insecure and self-conscious. This made me an easy target for bullies, and I became withdrawn and wary of those around me.
我从来没觉得那些重口味的色情片好看，那些年里，我从我的各类男友们那里拿回很多。他们的反应通常是很吃惊，随后他们也觉得有趣。在我们啪啪后，他们睡着了，我通常会自慰几次让我感觉更舒服，好摆脱那种寂寞。而孤独又是我性欲的基础。
从我记事时起，我就一直害怕亲密关系。甚至感到恐惧。在初中时，我被诊断出患有脊柱侧弯，我被要求穿戴那个笨重的后撑矫正板长达两年，这让我很敏感并且非常没有安全感。因为这，我成为被欺负的对象，使我变得更孤僻，小心警惕身边的人。
Over the years, whenever I detected a closeness developing with someone, I found a way to sabotage things before they went too far. I was always prepared for people to figure me out, uncover my weirdness and decide I wasn't worth their time.
Porn was a great way to escape myself—just click a few keys, shut off my brain and disconnect from the world for however long I wanted. But it was also a great way to continue feeling bad about myself—it occupied me in my room all day, deepening the shame and exhaustion. In the romantic relationships that populated my twenties, I was perpetually lonely, but I was convinced this loneliness was what I deserved.
多年来，每当我察觉到和某人的关系变得更亲近了，我就会在他们还没陷入太深之前，故意破坏掉。我总是让他们察觉到我不可思议的地方，然后他们会认定我不是那种值得花费时间在一起的人。
色情片是一种很棒的逃避自我的方式—只需单击几个键，关闭我的大脑，断开与这个世界的联系，沉浸在想要多久都可以的世界里。同时这也是厌恶自己的方式—这种厌恶能蔓延一整天，让我更加羞耻越加疲惫。在我二十几岁的恋情中，它侵蚀着我，让我认为我会永远孤独下去，并且罪有应得。
未完待续......
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