75
我躲进了车里，我让伊玛坐在腿上，开动了车子。孩子看起来很高兴，她想摁喇叭，那是艾尔莎教给她的，她咿咿呀呀不知道在说什么，中间还夹杂着一声声尖叫，因为我陪着她，她很兴奋。我毫无目的地开车向前，只想离家越远越好。最后我来到了圣埃莫下面，把车子停了下来。熄了火，我发现自己一滴眼泪也没有，我并不觉得痛苦，我只是被吓得不知所措。
I took refuge in the car, I started the
engine, and with Imma on my knees I left. The baby seemed happy, she wanted
to honk the horn, as Elsa had taught her, she spoke her incomprehensible
little words alternating with shrieks of joy at my presence. I drove without
a goal, I wanted only to get as far away from the house as possible. Finally
I found myself at Sant’Elmo. I parked, turned off the engine, and discovered
that I had no tears, I wasn’t suffering, I was only frozen with horror.
我没办法相信这件事情。我看到尼诺把他的阴茎捣入了一个年龄很大的女人的身体里，这个女人为我收拾屋子，为我买东西做饭，照顾我的女儿。她是一个经历了生活磨练的女人，她身材走样，体形庞大，和尼诺平时带到家里的那些高雅、有文化的女士截然不同。我看到的这个尼诺，真是我年少时爱上的那个人吗？我一直都漫无目的地开着车，也许我都没意识到半裸着的伊玛坐在我腿上，她欢呼雀跃地摁着喇叭，叫着妈妈。我没法想清楚：我刚才看到的那个男人是谁。我感觉，那就好像我回到家里，在洗手间里忽然发现了暴露了身份的外星人，他通常都是隐藏在我三女儿的父亲的身体里。这个陌生人有着尼诺的外表，但实际上不是他，他是另一个人。这是在伊斯基亚之后产生的那个人吗？但他到底是谁？是那个让西尔维亚怀孕的男人吗？是马丽娅罗莎的情人吗？是埃利奥诺拉的丈夫吗，虽然非常不忠，但依然和她密不可分？这个已婚的男人，对我——一个已婚的女人——说他爱我，他千方百计想得到我。
I couldn’t believe it. Was it possible
that that Nino whom I had discovered as he was thrusting his taut sex inside
the sex of a mature woman—a woman who cleaned my house, did my shopping,
cooked, took care of my children; a woman marked by the struggle to survive,
large, worn-out, the absolute opposite of the cultivated, elegant women he
brought to dinner—was the boy of my adolescence? For the whole time I was
driving blindly, perhaps scarcely feeling the weight of the half-naked Imma,
who was pounding the horn in vain and happily calling me, I couldn’t give him
a stable identity. I felt as if, entering the house, I had suddenly found out
in the open, in my bathroom, an alien creature who usually stayed hidden
inside the skin of the father of my third daughter. The stranger had the
features of Nino, but wasn’t him. Was it the other, the one born after
Ischia? But which one? The one who had impregnated Silvia? The lover of
Mariarosa? The husband of Eleonora, unfaithful and yet closely bound to her?
The married man who had said to me, a married woman, that he loved me, wanted
me at all costs?
开车到沃美罗的一路上，我都想抓住之前那个尼诺，在城区和高中时期那个温柔、充满爱意的尼诺，我只是想摆脱那种厌恶感。只有当我把车停到圣埃莫时，我才想起了洗手间里上演的一幕，还有他睁开眼睛，在镜子里看到我站在门口的一幕。这时候，我感觉一切都变得很清楚：眼前这个男人，和我在莉拉之前爱上的那个男孩之间没有任何分裂。尼诺只有一个，他在西尔瓦娜的身体里，从他脸上的表情就能看出来，那种表情，不是他父亲多纳托在玛隆蒂让我告别处子之身时的表情，而是他父亲在内拉的厨房里，在床单下面抚摸我的双腿之间时的表情。
Along the entire route that led me to the
Vomero, I had tried to cling to the Nino of the neighborhood and of high
school, the Nino of tenderness and love, to get myself out of the revulsion.
Only when I stopped at Sant’Elmo did the bathroom return to mind, and the
moment when he had opened his eyes and seen me in the mirror, standing on the
threshold. Then everything seemed clearer. There was no split between that
man who came after Lila and the boy with whom—before Lila—I had been in love
since childhood. Nino was only one, and the expression he had on his face
while he was inside Silvana was the proof. It was the expression of his
father, Donato, not when he deflowered me on the Maronti but when he touched
me between the legs, under the sheet, in Nella’s kitchen.
因此，这没什么奇怪的，只是更猥亵一些。尼诺不想成为那样的人，但他本身就是那样的男人。当他有节奏地撞击着西尔瓦娜的屁股，他还想着让她舒服，他没有假情假意。就像做对不起我的事之后，他会懊悔，会道歉，会恳求我原谅他，他发誓他爱我，这都不是在说谎。他就是这样，我想。但这并没有带给我安慰，我的恐惧非但没有消散，而是找到了更充分、更坚实的理由。我感觉有一股热流从膝盖上流了下来，我忽然发现：伊玛还光着屁股，她尿到了我身上。
Nothing alien, then, but much that was
ugly. Nino was what he wouldn’t have wanted to be and yet always had been.
When he rhythmically hammered against Silvana’s buttocks and was also kindly
taking care to give her pleasure, he wasn’t lying, just as he wasn’t lying
when he wronged me and was sorry, apologized, begged me to forgive him, swore
that he loved me. He is like that, I said to myself. But that didn’t console
me. I felt, rather, that the horror, instead of fading, found a more solid
refuge in that statement. Then a warm liquid spread down to my knees. I shook
myself: Imma was naked, she had peed on me.
76
天气很冷，伊玛有生病的危险，但我觉得，我实在没法回家。我把她包在我的大衣里，就好像我们在玩游戏。我给她买了一包新尿布，用纸巾将她擦干净之后换上。现在我要决定该怎么办。黛黛和艾尔莎很快会从学校里出来，她们肚子会很饿，心情很坏，伊玛这时候已经饿了。我神经紧绷着，身上的牛仔裤是湿的，我没有大衣，冷得发抖。我找了一个电话，打给莉拉。我问：
Going home seemed unthinkable, even
though it was cold and Imma risked getting sick. I wrapped her in my coat as
if we were playing, I bought a new package of diapers, I put one on after
cleaning her with a baby wipe. Now I had to decide what to do. Dede and Elsa
would get out of school soon, irritable and hungry; Imma was already hungry.
I, my jeans wet, without a coat, nerves tense, was shivering with cold. I
looked for a telephone, I called Lila, I asked:
“我能带几个孩子来你家吃午饭吗？”
“Can I come to lunch at your house with
the children?”
“当然了。”
“Of course.”
“恩佐不会很烦吧？”
“Enzo won’t be annoyed?”
“你知道他会很高兴的。”
“You know he’ll be pleased.”
我听见蒂娜在电话那边欢快的叫喊声，莉拉对她说：“别叫！”然后，她用一种少有的小心翼翼的语气问我：
I heard Tina’s happy little voice, Lila
said to her: Quiet. Then she asked me with a wariness that she normally
didn’t have:
“出什么事儿了吗？”
“Is something wrong?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“怎么了？”
“What happened?”
“就是你之前已经预料到的。”
“What you predicted.”
“你和尼诺吵架了吗？”
“Did you fight with Nino?”
“等下我告诉你，现在我得走了。”
“I’ll tell you later, I have to go now.”
我提前到了学校门口，这时候伊玛已经对我、汽车方向盘还有喇叭彻底失去了兴趣，她变得很烦躁，哭得浑身发抖。我把她紧紧包在大衣里，去给她找饼干。我相信自己的举止很正常，内心很平静，我觉得恶心，而不是愤怒，那种厌烦无异于看到了两个正在交配的蜥蜴——但我觉察到，路上的人用一种好奇的目光在打量着我，有些不安地看着我穿着一条湿漉漉的裤子，在街上奔走，大声和包在大衣里的孩子说话，孩子在挣扎哭泣。
I arrived early at school. Imma had by
now lost any interest in me, the steering wheel, the horn, and was howling. I
forced her yet again to stay wrapped in the jacket and we went to find some
cookies. I thought I was acting calmly—inside I felt tranquil: not fury but
disgust still prevailed, a revulsion not different from what I would have
felt if I had seen two lizards coupling—but I realized that the passersby
were looking at me with curiosity, with alarm, as I hurried along the street
in my wet pants, talking aloud to the baby, who, squeezed tight in the coat,
was wriggling and wailing.
第一块饼干就让伊玛平静下来了，但我的焦虑一下子就冒了出来。尼诺可能已经推迟了他的约会，有可能正在找我，我可能会在学校门口遇到他。黛黛已经上初中二年级了，艾尔莎比黛黛放学早，我在小学门口找了一个隐蔽的地方，看着那道小门。我冷得牙齿打架，伊玛把她的口水和饼干渣都弄到了我的大衣上了。我很警惕地看着那个区域，但尼诺没有出现。他也没有出现在中学校门口，这时候，黛黛很快在推推搡搡的人群操着方言的骂声和叫喊声中走了出来。
At the first cookie Imma quieted down,
but her calm freed my anxiety. Nino must have put off his appointment, he was
probably looking for me, I was in danger of finding him at school. Since Elsa
came out before Dede, who was in her second year of middle school, I went and
stood in a corner from which I could watch the entrance of the elementary
school without being seen. My teeth were chattering with cold, Imma was
smearing my coat with saliva-soaked cookie crumbs. I surveyed the area,
nervously, but Nino didn’t appear. And he didn’t appear at the entrance of
the middle school, from which Dede soon emerged in a flood of pushing and
shoving, shouts, and insults in dialect.
两个孩子都没有太关注我，她们只是对我带着伊玛去接她们表示好奇。
The children paid little attention to me;
they were very interested in the novelty of my coming to get them with Imma.
“你为什么要把她包在大衣里？”黛黛问。
“Why are you holding her in the coat?”
Dede asked.
“因为她很冷。”
“Because she’s cold.”
“你有没有看到，她把你的大衣搞脏了？”
“Did you see she’s ruining it?”
“没关系。”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“有一次，我把你的大衣弄脏了，你给了我一个耳光。”艾尔莎抱怨说。
“Once when I got you dirty you slapped
me,” Elsa complained.
“这不是真的。”
“It’s not true.”
“千真万确。”
“It’s very true.”
黛黛在审问：
Dede investigated:
“为什么她只穿了汗衫和尿布？”
“Why is it that she has only a shirt and
diaper on?”
“这样穿就可以了。”
“She’s fine like that.”
“发生了什么事儿？”
“Did something happen?”
“没什么。现在我们去莉娜阿姨家吃饭。”
“No. Now we’re going to have lunch at
Aunt Lina’s.”
听到这个消息，她们像往常一样振奋，上了车。伊玛咿咿呀呀地对两个姐姐说话，她很高兴能得到关注。两个姐姐都争着抢着要抱她，我让她们一起抱着，不要把她拽来拽去的。我喊道：“她不是橡皮！”艾尔莎对于这个方案不满意，用方言骂了黛黛一句。我想扇她一个耳光，我通过后视镜看着她，说：“你说什么？再说一遍，你说什么？”她没哭，她把伊玛交给黛黛来抱，她说带着小妹妹让她好烦。后来伊玛伸出手要和她玩儿，她很粗暴地推开了，尖叫着说：“伊玛，别这样，好讨厌！你把我的衣服弄脏了。”这让我很心烦。艾尔莎对我说：“妈妈，让她别碰我。”这时候我再也受不了了，我发出一声尖叫，这让她们都很害怕。我们就这样在紧张的气氛中穿过城市，只有黛黛和艾尔莎时不时的嘀咕会打破沉默。她们想知道，她们的生活是不是又发生了什么无法挽回的事情。
They greeted the news with their usual
enthusiasm, then they settled in the car, and while the baby talked to her
sisters in her obscure language, happy to be the center of their attention,
they began to fight over who got to hold her. I insisted that they hold her
together, without pulling her this way and that: She’s not made of rubber, I
cried. Elsa wasn’t pleased with that solution and swore at Dede in dialect. I
tried to slap her, I said, staring at her in the rearview mirror: What did
you say, repeat it, what did you say? She didn’t cry, she abandoned Imma to
Dede, muttering that taking care of her sister bored her. Then, when the baby
reached out her hands to play, she pushed her away roughly. She shouted,
assaulting my nerves: Imma, that’s enough, you’re bothering me, you’re
getting me dirty. And to me: Mamma, make her stop. I couldn’t bear it
anymore, I let out a scream that frightened all three of them. We crossed the
city in a state of tension broken only by the whispering of Dede and Elsa,
who were trying to understand if, again, something irreparable was about to
happen in their lives.
我无法容忍她们咬耳朵说悄悄话。我再也受不了任何事了：她们的童年，我作为母亲的身份，伊玛的咿咿呀呀。我几个女儿在车上，我脑子不停地回想之前看到的交媾场景，鼻孔依然能嗅到性器的味道，我不断升腾的怒火开始伴随着那些最粗俗的方言冒出来，我感到很撕裂。尼诺操了家里的女佣，然后他若无其事地去奔赴他的约会，根本就不管我还有他的女儿。啊，真是一个混蛋！我真是瞎了眼，他就像他的父亲吗？不，这样的比较太过简单。尼诺太聪明了，他非常有文化，他对于交媾的爱好，和一般南方男人和法西斯分子不一样，那不是一种粗鲁的、对男性气概的单纯展示。无论过去和现在，他对我的背叛源于一种更高级的意识。他有一系列很复杂的思想，他知道他的这种做法会让我非常气愤，会把我毁掉，但他还是会那么做。他想：我不会因为那个贱人跟我吵架，就放弃自己的乐趣。他就是这样想的，他一定会觉得我是庸人自扰——在我们当时的环境中，“庸人”是一个经常用到的词汇——我是庸人，一个庸人。我甚至能想到，他很优雅地为自己开脱：“这有什么问题，肉体是脆弱的，我看的所有书上都是这样写的。”这个婊子养的，他会说这样的话。我的怒火开始转化为恐惧。我甚至对着伊玛叫喊，让她闭嘴。到了莉拉的家楼下时，我对尼诺已经恨之入骨了，我从来都没有那么恨过一个人。
I couldn’t even tolerate that
consultation. I couldn’t bear anything anymore: their childhood, my role as
mother, Imma’s babbling. And then the presence of my daughters in the car
clashed with the images of coitus that were constantly before me, with the
odor of sex that was still in my nostrils, with the rage that was beginning
to advance, along with the most vulgar dialect. Nino had fucked the servant
and then gone to his appointment, not giving a shit about me or even about
his daughter. Ah, what a piece of shit, all I did was make mistakes. Was he
like his father? No, too simple. Nino was very intelligent, Nino was
extraordinarily cultured. His propensity for fucking did not come from a
crude, naïve display of virility based on half-fascistic, half-southern
clichés. What he had done to me, what he was doing to me, was filtered by a
very refined knowledge. He dealt in complex concepts, he knew that this way
he would offend me to the point of destroying me. But he had done it just the
same. He had thought: I can’t give up my pleasure just because that shit can
be a pain in the ass. Like that, just like that. And surely he judged as
philistine—that adjective was still very widespread in our world—my possible
reaction. Philistine, philistine. I even knew the line he would resort to in
sophisticated justification: What’s the harm, the flesh is weak and I’ve read
all the books. Exactly those words, nasty son of a bitch. Rage had opened up
a pathway in the horror. I shouted at Imma—even at Imma—to be quiet. When I
reached Lila’s house I hated Nino as until that moment I had never hated
anyone.
77
莉拉做了饭，她知道黛黛和艾尔莎爱吃西红柿猫耳面，她跟她们宣布，我们午饭要吃这个，她们一阵欢呼雀跃。不仅仅如此，她还把伊玛从我怀里接了过去，她照顾着两个婴儿，就好像她的女儿一下变成了两个。她给蒂娜和伊玛换了衣服，给她们洗了脸，穿上了一样的衣服，很疼爱她们，表现出一种无与伦比的母性。这时候两个孩子相互认出了对方，开始一起玩儿，莉拉把她们放在一张旧地毯上，让她们在上面爬，一起咿咿呀呀。我很不自在地把我女儿和莉拉的女儿进行对比，心里不由得产生了对尼诺的怨恨。我觉得蒂娜要比伊玛更漂亮、更健康，她是莉拉和恩佐的坚固关系的一个美好产物。
Lila had made lunch. She knew that Dede
and Elsa adored orecchiette with tomato sauce and she announced this,
creating a rowdy scene of enthusiasm. That wasn’t all. She took Imma from my
arms and cared for her and Tina as if suddenly her daughter had doubled. She
changed them both, washed them, dressed them identically, cuddled them with
an extraordinary display of maternal care. Then, since the two little girls
had recognized each other at once and were playing, she put them down on an
old carpet, to crawl around, babble. How different they were. Bitterly I
compared the daughter of Nino and me to the daughter of Lila and Enzo. Tina
seemed prettier, healthier than Imma: she was the sweet fruit of a solid
relationship.
恩佐从上班的地方回到家，他很客气，但像往常一样寡言。在饭桌上，他和莉拉都没问我为什么一口都没吃。只有黛黛插了一句，就好像为我开脱，不想让别人对我产生不好的看法。她说：“我妈妈一直吃得很少，因为她不想发胖，我也要和她一样少吃。”我很凶恶地对她说：“你要吃光最后一块猫耳朵面。”这时候恩佐可能是为了保护我女儿，开始和她们比赛看谁先吃完。他一直在回答黛黛关于里诺的问题——我女儿还希望在午饭时遇到里诺。恩佐说，里诺开始在一家修理厂工作，一整天都在外面。吃完饭之后，他悄悄把两姐妹带到了詹纳罗的房间，给她们展示里面的宝贝。几分钟之后，里面传来震耳欲聋的音乐，她们一直都在那里待着。
Meanwhile Enzo came home from work,
cordially laconic as usual. At the table neither he nor Lila asked me why I
wasn’t eating. Only Dede intervened, as if to take me away from her own bad
thoughts and those of the others. She said: my Mamma always eats just a
little because she doesn’t want to get fat, and I’m doing that, too. I
exclaimed, threatening: You have to clean your plate down to the last bite.
And Enzo, perhaps to protect my daughters from me, started a comical contest
to see who could eat the most and finish first. He patiently answered Dede’s
many questions about Rino—my daughter had hoped to see him at least for
lunch—and explained that he had started a job in a workshop and was out all
day. Then, at the end of the meal, in great secrecy, he took the two sisters
into Gennaro’s room to show them all the treasures there. After a few minutes
there was a burst of furious music, and they didn’t come back.
我和莉拉单独在一起，我用一种介于讽刺和痛苦之间的语气，原原本本对她讲了发生的事情。她没有打断我，一直在听我说。我意识到，我越通过语言描述发生在我身上的事情，描述尼诺和那个肥胖女人性交的场面，我就越觉得好笑。“他醒了，”我忽然说起了方言，“他看到西尔瓦娜在厕所里，在她要撒尿之前，他把那女人的衣服拉起来，把他那玩意儿放了进去。”我很粗俗地笑了起来，莉拉很不自在地看着我。那种语气是她经常用的，但我这样说话让她很意外。她说：“你要平静下来。”这时候伊玛哭了起来，她去另一个房间里看。
I was alone with Lila, and I told her
every detail, in a tone between sarcasm and suffering. She listened without
interrupting. I realized, the more I put into words what had happened, the
more ridiculous the scene of sex between that fat woman and skinny Nino
seemed. He woke up—at a certain point the words emerged in dialect—he found
Silvana in the bathroom, and even before peeing he pulled up her skirt and
stuck it in. Then I burst out laughing in a vulgar fashion and Lila looked at
me uneasily. She used such tones, she didn’t expect them from me. You have to
calm down, she said, and since Imma was crying we went into the other room.
我的女儿头发是金色的，脸很红，大张着嘴巴在哭，脸上全是大颗的眼泪，她一看到我就伸出胳膊，让我抱。这时候，蒂娜——她头发很黑，脸色很苍白，有些不安地看着伊玛。她母亲出现时，她也没有动，但她想搞清楚这是怎么回事儿，我听见她清清楚楚地叫了一声“妈妈”。莉拉一下子把两个孩子都抱了起来，一只胳膊抱一个，她亲了亲我女儿的脸蛋，安慰她，让她平静下来了。
My daughter, fair-haired, red in the
face, was shedding large tears, her mouth open, and as soon as she saw me she
raised her arms to be picked up. Tina, dark, pale, stared at her,
disconcerted, and when her mother appeared she didn’t move, she called to her
as if she wanted her to help her understand, saying “Mamma” clearly. Lila
picked up both babies, settled one on each arm, kissed mine, drying her tears
with her lips, spoke to her, soothed her.
我很吃惊。我想：蒂娜已经能清清楚楚地叫妈妈了，每个音节都发得很清晰，伊玛比她大几乎一个月，但还一点儿也不会叫妈妈。我感觉自己很失败，也很难过。一九八一年快要结束了，我会把西尔瓦娜赶走。我不知道要写什么，一月一月时间会飞快地过去，我会交不了那本书，在工作上一败涂地，我会失去我的领地。我会成为一个没有未来的女人，靠着彼得罗的钱过活，一个人带着三个女儿，没有尼诺，我已经失去了尼诺，和他已经结束了。但我内心深处依然爱着他，但不像在佛罗伦萨我对他产生的那种爱情，而像小学时，看着他从学校里出来时我心里萌生的喜欢。我内心很挣扎，面对他对我的羞辱，我还想着找个借口原谅他，我没办法忍受把他从我的生活里驱赶出去。他在哪儿？他都一直没有找我吗？我想到了恩佐，他一回来就照顾着我的两个女儿。莉拉马上也让我什么都不用管，她在听我诉说，给了我表达自己的所有空间。我终于明白，在我到城区之前，他们已经明白会发生什么事。我问：
I was amazed. I thought: Tina says
“Mamma” clearly, all the syllables, Imma doesn’t do that yet and is almost a
month older. I felt at a loss and sad. 1981 was about to end. I would get rid
of Silvana. I didn’t know what to write, the months would fly by, I wouldn’t
deliver my book, I would lose ground as well as my reputation as a writer. I
would remain without a future, dependent on financial support from Pietro,
alone with three daughters, without Nino. Nino lost, Nino over. The part of
me that continued to love him appeared again, not as in Florence but, rather,
as the child in elementary school had loved him, seeing him coming out of
school. In confusion I searched for an excuse to forgive him in spite of the
humiliation, I couldn’t bear to drive him out of my life. Where was he? Was
it possible that he hadn’t even tried to look for me? I put together Enzo,
who had immediately taken care of the two children, and Lila, who had freed
me of every task and had listened, leaving me all the space I wanted. I
finally understood that they had known everything before I arrived in the
neighborhood. I asked:
“尼诺打电话了？”
“Did Nino call?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“他说什么？”
“What did he say?”
“他说他干了一件傻事儿，让我待在你身边，让你明白现在的人都是这样。真是一派胡言。”
“That it was foolish, that I should stay
with you, that I should help you understand, that today people live like
this. Talk.”
“你是怎么回答的。”
“And you?”
“我把电话挂了。”
“I slammed the telephone down on him.”
“他还打了吗？”
“But he’ll call again?”
“他不打就怪了。”
“Of course he’ll call again.”
我很沮丧。
I felt discouraged.
“莉拉，离开他我不知道怎么生活。那么短时间，我离了婚，带着两个孩子来这里生活，我又生了一个女儿。这都是为什么？”
“Lila, I don’t know how to live without
him. It all lasted such a short time. I broke up my marriage, I came to live
here with the children, I had another child. Why?”
“因为你错了。”
“Because you made a mistake.”
我不喜欢她说的话，听起来像是一种对于积怨的报复。她想对我说，她以前想让我免于这个错误，但我照样陷了进去。她想告诉我：我是故意犯的错，她看错我了，我不聪明，我是一个愚蠢的女人。我说：
I didn’t like the remark, it sounded like
the echo of an old offense. She was reminding me that I had made a mistake
even though she had tried to get me out of the mistake. She was saying that I
had wanted to make a mistake, and as a result she had been mistaken, I wasn’t
intelligent, I was a stupid woman. I said:
“我要面对面和他谈谈。”
“I have to talk to him, I have to
confront him.”
“好吧，但你要把几个孩子放到我这儿。”
“All right, but leave me the children.”
“你管不过来的，一共有四个呢。”
“You can’t do it, there are four.”
“一共有五个，还有詹纳罗，他比其他几个更让人费心。”
“There are five, there’s also Gennaro.
And he’s the most difficult of all.”
“你看到了吧？我把她们带走吧。”
“You see? I’ll take them.”
“那肯定不行。”
“Don’t even mention it.”
我承认我需要她的帮助。我说：
I admitted that I needed her help, I
said:
“你帮我照看她们到明天，我需要时间来解决这个问题。”
“I’ll leave them until tomorrow, I need
time to resolve the situation.”
“怎样解决？”
“Resolve it how?”
“我不知道。”
“I don’t know.”
“你想继续和尼诺在一起？”
“You want to continue with Nino?”
我感觉她不赞成，我几乎在高喊：
I could hear her opposition and I almost
shouted:
“我能怎么做？”
“What can I do?”
“你唯一的选择就是离开他。”
“The only thing possible: leave him.”
对于她来说，这是正确的解决办法，她一直希望这段关系结束，她从来都没有隐瞒着一点。我说：
For her it was the right solution, she
had always wanted it to end like that, she had never concealed it from me. I
said:
“我会考虑的。”
“I’ll think about it.”
“不，你不会考虑的，你会假装什么事儿也没有，会继续过下去。”
“No, you won’t think about it. You’ve
already decided to pretend it was nothing and go on.”
我不想回答。她在逼迫我，她说我不应该自暴自弃，我有自己的路要走，假如继续那样下去，我会越来越失去自我。我觉察到她的语气变得刻薄，我感觉，为了说服我，她要说出我一直都想知道，但她没告诉我的事儿。我很害怕，但我不是有好几次都希望她讲清楚吗？我现在不是跑到她跟前，让她终于可以全盘托出吗？
I avoided answering but she pressed me,
she said that I shouldn’t throw myself away, that I had another destiny, that
if I went on like that I would lose myself. I noticed that she was becoming
harsh, I felt that to restrain me she was on the point of telling me what for
a long time I had wanted to know and what for a long time she had been silent
about. I was afraid, but had I not myself, on various occasions, tried to
urge her to be clear? And now, had I not come to her also so that finally she
would tell me everything?
“假如你有什么事情要告诉我，你就明说吧。”我嚅嗫着。
“If you have something to tell me,” I
said, “speak.”
她终于下定了决心，她看着我的眼睛，我垂下了目光。她说，尼诺经常来找她，想和她重归于好，跟我在一起之前以及之后，他都提过这些。她说，当他们陪着我母亲去医院时，那次他非常明确。当医生给我母亲看病时，我们在等待大厅，他发誓说，他和我在一起，只是为了靠近她。
And she made up her mind, she looked at
me, I looked down. She said that Nino had often sought her out. She said that
he had asked her to come back to him, both before he had become involved with
me and after. She said that when they took my mother to the hospital he had
been particularly insistent. She said that while the doctors were examining
my mother and they were waiting for the results in the waiting room he had
sworn to her that he was with me only to feel closer to her.
“你看着我。”她小声说，“我知道，告诉你这些很残忍，很坏，但他比我更坏。他更糟糕，他是那种轻浮的坏。”
“Look at me,” she whispered. “I know I’m
mean to tell you these things, but he is much worse than I am. He has the
worst kind of meanness, that of superficiality.”