It must have been a Sunday. You were away, and your man was dragging back the heavy rugs (地毯), which he had been beating, through the open door of the flat.
They were rather too much for his strength, and I summoned up courage to ask whether he would let me help him. He was surprised, but did not refuse.
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Can I ever make you understand the awe (敬畏), the pious veneration (虔诚的崇拜), with which I set foot in your dwelling (住所), with which I saw your world-the writing-table at which you were accustomed to sit (there were some flowers on it in a blue crystal vase), the pictures, the books?
I had no more than a stolen glance, though the good John would no doubt have let me see more had I ventured (冒险) to ask him.
But it was enough for me to absorb the atmosphere, and to provide fresh nourishment for my endless dreams of you in waking and sleeping.
This swift minute was the happiest of my childhood. I wanted to tell you of it, so that you who do not know me might at length begin to understand how my life hung upon yours.
I wanted to tell you of that minute, and also of the dreadful (可怕的) hour which so soon followed. As I have explained, my thoughts of you had made me oblivious (毫不在意的) to all else.
I paid no attention to my mother's doings, or to those of any of our visitors.
I failed to notice that an elderly (上了年纪的) gentleman, an Innsbruck (因斯布鲁克(奥地利西部城市)) merchant, a distant family connection (远房亲戚) of my mother, came often and stayed for a long time.
I was glad that he took mother to the theatre sometimes, for this left me alone, undisturbed (不受打扰的) in my thoughts of you, undisturbed in the watching, which was my chief, my only pleasure.
But one day my mother summoned (传唤) me with a certain formality (仪式), saying that she had something serious to talk to me about. I turned pale (苍白的), and felt my heart throb (颤动).
Did she suspect anything? Had I betrayed myself in some way? My first thought was of you, of my secret, of that which linked me with life.
But my mother was herself embarrassed. It had never been her way to kiss me.
Now she kissed me affectionately (亲切地) more than once, drew me to her on the sofa, and began hesitatingly and rather shamefacedly to tell me that her relative, who was a widower (鳏夫), had made her a proposal of marriage, and that, mainly for my sake (利益), she had decided to accept.
I palpitated (颤抖) with anxiety, having only one thought, that of you. " We shall stay here, shan't we?" I stammered out (结结巴巴地说).
"No, we are going to Innsbruck, where Ferdinand has a fine villa." I heard no more. Everything seemed to turn black before my eyes.
I learned afterwards that I had fainted. I clasped (扣紧) my hands convulsively (痉挛性地), and fell like a lump of lead (一块铅).
I cannot tell you all that happened in the next few days; how I, a powerless child, vainly (徒劳地) revolted against the mighty elders.
Even now, as I think of it, my hand shakes so that I can hardly write.
I could not disclose the real secret, and therefore my opposition seemed ill-tempered obstinacy (固执).
No one told me anything more. All the arrangements were made behind my back. The hours when I was at school were turned to account.
Each time I came home some new article had been removed or sold. My life seemed falling to pieces; and at last one day, when I returned to dinner, the furniture removers had cleared the flat.
In the empty rooms there were some packed trunks (行李箱), and two camp-beds (行军床) for mother and myself. We were to sleep there one night more, and were then to go to Innsbruck.
On this last day I suddenly made up my mind that I could not live without being near you. You were all the world to me.
I can hardly say what I was thinking of, and whether in this hour of despair I was able to think at all. My mother was out of the house.
I stood up, just as I was, in my school dress, and went over to your door. Yet I can hardly say that I went.
With stiff limbs (僵硬的四肢) and trembling joints (颤抖的关节), I seemed to be drawn towards your door as by a magnet (磁铁).
It was in my mind to throw myself at your feet, and to beg you to keep me as a maid (女仆), as a slave.
I cannot help feeling afraid that you will laugh at this infatuation (迷恋) of a girl of fifteen.
But you would not laugh if you could realise how I stood there on the chilly landing, rigid with apprehension (恐惧), and yet drawn onward (向前) by an irresistible force; how my arm seemed to lift itself in spite of me.
The struggle appeared to last for endless, terrible seconds; and then I rang the bell. The shrill (尖锐的) noise still sounds in my ears.
It was followed by a silence in which my heart well-nigh stopped beating, and my blood stagnated (停滞), while I listened for your coming.
But you did not come. No one came. You must have been out that afternoon, and John must have been away too.
With the dead note of the bell still sounding in my ears, I stole back into our empty dwelling, and threw myself exhausted upon a rug, tired out by the four steps as if I had been wading (费力地行走) through deep snow for hours.
Yet beneath this exhaustion there still glowed the determination to see you, to speak to you, before they carried me away.
I can assure you that there were no sensual (肉欲的) longings in my mind; I was still ignorant (无知的), just because I never thought of anything but you.
All I wanted was to see you once more, to cling to (紧握不放) you. Throughout (贯穿) that dreadful night I waited for you.
Directly my mother had gone to sleep, I crept into the hall to listen for your return. It was a bitterly (极其) cold night in January.
I was tired, my limbs (手臂) ached, and there was no longer a chair on which I could sit; so I lay upon the floor, in the draught that came under the door.
In my thin dress I lay there, without any covering. I did not want to be warm, lest (以免) I should fall asleep and miss your footstep.
Cramps (绞痛) seized me, so cold was it in the horrible darkness; again and again I had to stand up. But I waited, waited, waited for you, as for my fate.
At length (it must have been two or three in the morning) I heard the house-door open, and footsteps on the stair. The sense of cold vanished, and a rush of heat passed over me.
I softly opened the door, meaning to run out, to throw myself at your feet . . . I cannot tell what I should have done in my frenzy (狂热).
The steps drew nearer. A candle flickered (闪烁). Tremblingly I held the door-handle. Was it you coming up the stairs?
Yes, it was you, beloved; but you were not alone. I heard a gentle laugh, the rustle of silk (沙沙作响的丝绸), and your voice, speaking in low tones. There was a woman with you . . .
I cannot tell how I lived through the rest of the night. At eight next morning, they took me with them to Innsbruck. I had no strength left to resist.