如何与我们的爱人沟通对我们的关系的质量可以有很强的影响。心理学家约翰和朱莉戈特曼运行着一所“爱的实验室”， 他们对上千对夫妻进行了超过30年的研究。他们调查的目的是总结出导致幸福与不幸关系的因素。从他们的数据他们总结除了轻视，批评，自我防御， 和筑墙是伤害一段婚姻和关系的最显著的因素。这些因素中，轻视是离婚的最大预警。对自己的伴侣存在轻视的人常常不以决问题为目的地传达否定。他们有时会给他们的伴侣贴上侮辱性的标签，例如“懒惰”， “愚蠢” 或者“情绪化”， 这尤其会造成伤害。
How we communicate with our romantic partners can have a strong impact on the quality of our relationships. Psychologists John and Julie Gottman run the "Love Lab", where thousands of couples have been studied over the last 30 years. The purpose of their research is to determin the factors that lead to happy and unhappy relationships. From their data, they have concluded that contempt, criticism, defensivenness, and stonewalling are the most significant factors that can hurt a marriage or relationship. Among these, contempt is the biggest predictor of devioce. People who feel contemp for their partaner often convey disapproval without addressing the issuse. They sometimes lable their partner with insulting words such as "lazy", "stupid" or "emotional", which is particularly damaging.
很多夫妻试图通过直接批评他们伴侣的缺点和错误来解决问题。过于直接的批评可能会伤害你伴侣的自尊心。有些人对批评的反应是树立自我防御或者将注意力放在如何赢得这场争吵上, 而不是放在提升自己上。另一些人对批评的反应是不回应，在一段时间内拒绝和他们的伴侣打招呼或者回应他们。不幸的是，反击或者忽视你的伴侣都会使发现你们的问题的根源更加困难。如果你的伴侣觉得他们没有获得尊重，这将加剧对这段关系的不满。
Manycouples try to address issues by criticizing their partner's flaws or mistakes directly. Being too direct with criticism can hurt your partner's self-esteem. Some people may react to criticism by become defensive and focus on winning the argument, rather than on improving themselves. Others may react to criticism by stonewalling ,where they refuse to acknowledge and response to their partner for a period of time. Unfortunately, fighting back or ignoring your partner can make it difficult to determine the root of you problems. If your partner feels that they aren't valued, it may lead to increased dissatisfaction with the relationship.
戈特曼夫妇坚称在沟通中一时到这些因素是改善一段关系的第一步。认识到所有关系都存在问题是很重要的。目标不应该是避免这些问题，而是学会解决它们。尤其是，我们应该避免伤害我们伴侣自尊的沟通方式。更好的讨论问题的做法是采用一种不那么直白但是能让你的伴侣在你的角度产生同理心的方式。比如，不要说“你为什么忽视我。这很粗鲁！”， 我们可以说“我不能得到你的回应我感觉很受伤，被看轻”。通过关注我们与伴侣沟通的方式， 我们可以开始建立一段更健康的关系。
The Gottmans maintain that being aware of these factors in communication is the first step to improving a relationship. It is important to acknowledge that all relationships have issues. The goal shouldn't be to avoid these issues, but to learn to resolve them. In paticular, we should avoid communicating in ways that hurt our partner's self-esteem. It is better to discuss problem in a way that is less confrontational but can help your partner sympathize with your perspective. For example, rather than saying "Why are you ignoring me? It's rude!", one could say "I feel hurt and undervalued when I don't get response from you." By being conscious of how we communicate with our partner we can begin to build a healthier relationship.
重点词扩展
stonewall
VERB (为隐瞒或逃避某事而)暂不作决定，迟迟不作答复，态度骑墙If you say that someone stonewalls, you disapprove of them because they delay giving a clear answer or making a clear decision, often because there is something that they want to hide or avoid doing.
The administration is just stonewalling in an attempt to hide their political embarrassment...
政府只是在模棱两可地拖延时间，企图掩盖自己的政治窘态。
He did his best this week to stonewall questions and to block even the most modest proposals.
他这周竭力避免作出明确答复，甚至连一些最温和的建议都企图阻拦。
acknowledge
1
VERB 承认（事实、局面等）If you acknowledge a fact or a situation, you accept or admit that it is true or that it exists.
Naylor acknowledged, in a letter to the judge, that he was a drug addict...
内勒在给法官的信中承认自己吸毒。
Belatedly, the government has acknowledged the problem...
政府迟迟才承认了该问题。
2
VERB 公认，认可（某人的成就、地位、品质等）If someone's achievements, status, or qualities are acknowledged, they are known about and recognized by a lot of people, or by a particular group of people.
He is also acknowledged as an excellent goalkeeper...
他也被公认为是一名出色的守门员。
Some of the clergy refused to acknowledge the new king's legitimacy.
一部分神职人员拒绝承认新国王的合法地位。
3
VERB 告知（信函等）的收到;确认…收悉If you acknowledge a message or letter, you write to the person who sent it in order to say that you have received it.
The army sent me a postcard acknowledging my request.
军队寄给我一张明信片告知我的申请书已收到。
4
VERB （以点头、微笑等）向…打招呼，理会If you acknowledge someone, for example by moving your head or smiling, you show that you have seen and recognized them.
He saw her but refused to even acknowledge her.
他看见了她，却连招呼也不打。
5
VERB （对掌声、赞扬、好意等作出姿态表示）感谢If you acknowledge someone's applause, compliments, or kindness you make a gesture in order to thank them or show your appreciation.
Doran stuck his head out of the window to acknowledge the cheering...
多兰将头探出窗户向欢呼的人们致谢。
She never even acknowledged the man who opened the door for her...
她对为自己开门的男士甚至连一点表示都没有。
undervalue ~~ unvelued
VERB
低估；轻视；小看If you undervalue something or someone, you fail to recognize how valuable or important they are.
We must never undervalue freedom...
我们决不能低估自由的价值。
Many companies deal with their female employees in a way that undervalues them.
许多公司轻视女员工。